I just had to share this....

[ADDirishboy]

Hang on, I'm gonna get the baby oil. We're gonna see how well these hand rails really work!!

Uh oh, you better hold on tight Becky. Don't be afraid to use your nails in my back to get some extra grip! Feel free to bite too. You know how much I like that.

[nissangirl74]

Uh oh, you better hold on tight Becky. Don't be afraid to use your nails in my back to get some extra grip! Feel free to bite too. You know how much I like that.

As long as you give it just as good as you get it...you're on!!!

[ADDirishboy]

Oh don't worry. I love to bite and scratch. I may leave bruises though....

[Razi]

I'll be leaving this thread now.....

[ADDirishboy]

I'll be leaving this thread now.....

We really should move this back to the Learned'd thread. Too many innocent eyes wander into these threads.

[nissangirl74]

We really should move this back to the Learned'd thread. Too many innocent eyes wander into these threads.

I agree. See you there

[nissangirl74]

OK kids, back to your regularly scheduled program...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

[ADDirishboy]

Dumb blondes!

[Razi]

OK kids, back to your regularly scheduled program...

Just when it was getting good.

[nissangirl74]

Just when it was getting good.

You think this is good, go take a peak in the Learned'd...better yet, look up the night Tyler and i were doing our part to get 100K posts for one month....bring your crash helmet...that night wasn't for the weak

[Razi]

You guys are nuts.

[ADDirishboy]

You think this is good, go take a peak in the Learned'd...better yet, look up the night Tyler and i were doing our part to get 100K posts for one month....bring your crash helmet...that night wasn't for the weak

That night got STEAMY! Man, we are lucky we have a thread we can do whatever we want in. We would have been banned for some of the things we were saying had we posted it elsewhere!

[nissangirl74]

That night got STEAMY! Man, we are lucky we have a thread we can do whatever we want in. We would have been banned for some of the things we were saying had we posted it elsewhere!

Hell, we could have been ARRESTED for some of the things we said that night!

[ADDirishboy]

Hell, we could have been ARRESTED for some of the things we said that night!

That's a fact. Man, that was a good night!

[nissangirl74]

Man marries a deaf girl. He says we must work out a code. If i want sex, I'll stroke your left breast. You pull my d*** once for yes and 86 times for no.....

[nissangirl74]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank f*** for that !" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[IanS]

Hey guys (and Becky)..

Whats going on in here?

[EZcheese15]

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

ewwwww

[nissangirl74]

Cinderella was fired from Disney today. She was found bouncing on Pinocchio's face screaming, LIE F*****, LIE!!!

[qat727]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and

All the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her

'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,

'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.

'Which word?' the woman asked.

'Love.'

The woman correctly spelled 'Love'

And Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman

And asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'

'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her.

'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.

And my wife and I traveled all around the world.

We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.

I fell and hit my head, and here I am.

What a bummer!

How do I get in?

you have to spell a word, the woman told him.

'Which word?' her husband asked.

'Czechoslovakia.'

Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later

[qat727]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. “This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, ‘What are you celebrating?’‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’‘I used a different c***,’ he replied.The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, ‘What a coincidence!’

[qat727]

A young man shopping in a supermarket Noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out,

"Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled Back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries."That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[EZcheese15]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. “This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, ‘What are you celebrating?’‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’‘I used a different c***,’ he replied.The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, ‘What a coincidence!’

HAHAHAHA

[qat727]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won.

[qat727]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[qat727]

Question....What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer....Princess Diana's death.

Question....How come?

Answer....An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gate's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

tr ansported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegal.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

[qat727]

A small West Virginia zoo had in a new, very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, because of its rarity, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck, part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper readily agreed to this condition.

"Second," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want the young'uns raised up Southern Baptist." Once again, the Keeper agreed.

"And last of all," Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

[qat727]

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and her cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[qat727]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



___________________________________________________

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



___________________________________________________





Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

___________________________________________________



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

___________________________________________________



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

___________________________________________________



Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[qat727]

Simple Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

7. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.