I just had to share this....

[qat727]

Man to friend: "I just got the news from the doctor today."Friend: "Was it bad?"Man: "All those years of phone sex finally caught up with me. I have Hearing AIDS."

[qat727]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to you is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler!

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[qat727]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[qat727]

Something To Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? -Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee? -The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? -The position of the dirt bag!

Why is divorce so expensive? -Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? -Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex? -Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? -A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? -Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? -45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? -45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? -They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? -After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? -Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? -A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? -"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? -Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ? -Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? -Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? -He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? -Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? -A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? -They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? -A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? -They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? -A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? -Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ? -No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

AND....LAST BUT NOT LEAST

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

-A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

-A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s***..."

[qat727]

I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you have great sex, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play with Legos, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

[qat727]

A woman walks into an Oklahoma accountant's office, and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant, is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is!!"

[qat727]

A body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was."

______________________________________

Note to self: that's the archive up to March 2007______________________________________

I'll post more sometime else.

[nissangirl74]

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/2209757/6976672

[EZcheese15]

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/2209757/6976672

Girl! I hope you like missionary. Because that's the only one I'm really comfortable with.

[nissangirl74]

Girl! I hope you like missionary. Because that's the only one I'm really comfortable with.

It's good to step out of your comfort zone....try something new....

[EZcheese15]

It's good to step out of your comfort zone....try something new....

Are you offering?

[nissangirl74]

Are you offering?

and you know why not

[nissangirl74]

Why Parents Drink > > A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his > bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. > > Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was > addressed to 'Mom'. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope > with trembling hands and read the letter. > > Dear Mom, > > It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope > with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and > you.. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But > I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, > tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. > But it's not only the passion...... > > Mom she's pregnant. > > Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods > and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of > having many more children. > > Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt > anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with t he other > people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will > pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She > deserves it.. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of > myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get > to know your grandchildren. > > Love, > Your Son, Paul > > P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just > wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report > card that's in my center desk drawer. > > I love you - call me when it's safe to come home! >

[AZhitman]

and you know why not

...pwnt....

[Otto.]

Why Parents Drink > > A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his > bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. > > Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was > addressed to 'Mom'. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope > with trembling hands and read the letter. > > Dear Mom, > > It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope > with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and > you.. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But > I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, > tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. > But it's not only the passion...... > > Mom she's pregnant. > > Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods > and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of > having many more children. > > Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt > anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with t he other > people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will > pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She > deserves it.. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of > myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get > to know your grandchildren. > > Love, > Your Son, Paul > > P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just > wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report > card that's in my center desk drawer. > > I love you - call me when it's safe to come home! >

Where did you get that? Its great!

[95.240AZN378]

my new favorite thread

[nissangirl74]

i have lots of friends just like me who have a sort of twisted sense of humor; we pass stuff like this back and forth all the time....

this thread gets pushed to the bottom of the pile pretty quick but i do try to update it as often as i can, do a search for it.....there's always some good stuff here

[Otto.]

If you ever get another story like that, by all means, put it here.

[Otto.]

put it here.

Thats what she said.

...........

[nissangirl74]

Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.

The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

[nissangirl74]

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.

"Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies.

Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?"

"Well, first you get the son of b****. Then, you slap the piece of s*** up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a **** hair off here and a **** hair off there and put the damn thing up."

Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!"

Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me," Dad asks.

"Well, first you get the son of b****. Then you slap the piece of s*** up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a **** hair off here and a **** hair off there and put the damn thing up".

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Screw you, that's the electrician's job!"

[nissangirl74]

A young innocent girl is about to go on her first date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.

"How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped."

"Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped."

"Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said.

"And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!'"

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."

[nissangirl74]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gypyc9d3IWE

funniest s*** ever!!!!!!!!

[qat727]

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

[qat727]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

[qat727]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

[qat727]

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

[qat727]

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

[qat727]

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:

A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman B. 2 French men and 1 French woman C. 2 German men and 1 German woman D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman G. 2 American men and 1 American woman H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

1 month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:A One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.

C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.

E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.

G. The American woman is lecturing on the true nature of feminism, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men are contemplating suicide.

H. What happened to the Indians ??????The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman....

[qat727]

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Adults ask children what they want to be when they grow upbecause they are looking for ideas.