A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.
Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
I just had to share this....
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (nissangirl74)
A young boy went to his father and asked: "Why do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
His father thought for a minute and said: "Son, they don't, some start with 'If I am elected, I promise...' and others start with 'I promise that if I am elected...'"
His father thought for a minute and said: "Son, they don't, some start with 'If I am elected, I promise...' and others start with 'I promise that if I am elected...'"
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
80-year old Metzenbaum invested in one of those tiny hearing aids to correct his hearing loss. On his next visit to the doctor, he asked, "Well, how do you like your hearing aid?""I love it. I am hearing sounds that I didn't know existed.""I'm sure your family loves it too!" "Well, I haven't told them yet. And, am I having a great time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months."
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings."Hi honey, are you at the club?""Yes, dear.""Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window.""How much is it, dear?""They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?""But you already have fur coats?""Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!""Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!""Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??""Honey, come on, we already have cars!""You promised me that I could get a convertible!""How much is it?""You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!""OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!""I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!""I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?""Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!""How much is it listed at?""Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!""I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000.""This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!""See you tonight dear."The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (EZcheese15)
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants; a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband; a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't; a man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Secrets to a Happy Marriage It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
It is important that these three women never meet.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband; a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't; a man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Secrets to a Happy Marriage It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
It is important that these three women never meet.
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (EZcheese15)
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (EZcheese15)
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
-
nissangirl74
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Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
Special Bulletin from the Pentagon
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elitefighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. TheseAlabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have beengiven only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.2. There is no limit.3 They taste just like chicken.4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elitefighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. TheseAlabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have beengiven only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.2. There is no limit.3 They taste just like chicken.4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (EZcheese15)
Things my mother taught me ....My mother taught me LOGIC "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (EZcheese15)
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
The phone rings at KGB headquarters."Hello?""Hello, is this KGB?""Yes. What do you want?""I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.""This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house."Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?""Yes.""Did they chop your firewood?""Yes, they did.""Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house."Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?""Yes.""Did they chop your firewood?""Yes, they did.""Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (EZcheese15)
A thought for Christmas: 1.There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
4. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of goo.
5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
4. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of goo.
5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (EZcheese15)
On a clear day, I want to hurt my computer. I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently.
When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.
I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone.
For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course.
And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.
I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English."
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.
I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?
There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?
I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people, what did they need, a memo or something?
I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program wouldn't work because - get this - my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I need to buy another computer.
I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you want. It's on Earth."
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower!
Please understand, I don't hate my computer....I just want to hurt it every once in a while!
When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.
I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone.
For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course.
And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.
I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English."
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.
I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?
There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?
I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people, what did they need, a memo or something?
I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program wouldn't work because - get this - my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I need to buy another computer.
I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you want. It's on Earth."
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower!
Please understand, I don't hate my computer....I just want to hurt it every once in a while!
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
How to give a pill to a cat....
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend to help.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
15) Consider giving cat to friend and call pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend to help.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
15) Consider giving cat to friend and call pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
College Essay: Just remember, on tests, B.S. does pay off.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN
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MinisterofDOOM
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1961 Corvair Lakewood
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Former:
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1995 Ranger XL 2.3
1984 Coupe DeVille - Location: The middle of nowhere.
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
*Bitter laugh*qat727 wrote:Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
Riiiiight. No, more like this:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To ask why your child spends half his class time watching videos - Press 1
To inquire about your child's math teacher's incompetence - Press 2
To inquire about why you have endured multiple visits with the school "counselor" and yet your child is still somehow missing required credits - Press 3
To listen to a staff member explain why the school knows better than you what is good for your child - Press 4
To talk to one of our useless, b****y, defensive, high-and-mighty, know-it-all assistant sub backup principles who doesn't actually DO anything at all - Press 5
To complain that your child was cited for parking illegally when the school only has parking for 1/4 of it's population - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request a teacher who isn't incompetent - Press 8
To bribe a teacher to give your child preferential treatment - Press 9
To ask why you're paying money for you and your child to put up with this s*** - Press 0
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (MinisterofDOOM)
I think the only sure thing is that NOBODY is happy with the education system as it is currently set up.MinisterofDOOM wrote:
*Bitter laugh*
Riiiiight. No, more like this:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To ask why your child spends half his class time watching videos - Press 1
To inquire about your child's math teacher's incompetence - Press 2
To inquire about why you have endured multiple visits with the school "counselor" and yet your child is still somehow missing required credits - Press 3
To listen to a staff member explain why the school knows better than you what is good for your child - Press 4
To talk to one of our useless, b****y, defensive, high-and-mighty, know-it-all assistant sub backup principles who doesn't actually DO anything at all - Press 5
To complain that your child was cited for parking illegally when the school only has parking for 1/4 of it's population - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request a teacher who isn't incompetent - Press 8
To bribe a teacher to give your child preferential treatment - Press 9
To ask why you're paying money for you and your child to put up with this s*** - Press 0
No Child Left Behind has been a dismal failure that was implemented terribly.
Budget shortfalls leave schools scraping stuff together, and as much as some teachers ARE incompetent, there are a LOT of incompetent parents out there.
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nissangirl74
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Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (nissangirl74)
A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.
The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading pen15.
The doctor said, damn how did you do that?
The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.
So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my pen15 in the hole.
So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!
The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading pen15.
The doctor said, damn how did you do that?
The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.
So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my pen15 in the hole.
So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!
-
nissangirl74
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Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (nissangirl74)
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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marlin29311
- Posts: 8342
- Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 8:21 pm
- Car: 2008 Infiniti G35x
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (nissangirl74)
nissangirl74 wrote:One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
- Posts: 13910
- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
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Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (nissangirl74)
A girl from Kentucky writes into Dear Abby....
Dear Abby,
I am 13 years old and still a virgon. Do you think my brothers are ghey?
Dear Abby,
I am 13 years old and still a virgon. Do you think my brothers are ghey?
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
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- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
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Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (qat727)
APARTMENT FOR RENT A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spendthe night with her for $500. They did their thing,and, before he left, he told her that he didnot have any cash with him, but he would have hissecretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not beenworth the price. So he had his secretary send a checkfor $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of yourapartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediatelyreturned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect abeautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if youknow how to turn it on.#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed ofregular size, but if you don't have enough furnitureto fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced tocontact your present landlady. _____
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not beenworth the price. So he had his secretary send a checkfor $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of yourapartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediatelyreturned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect abeautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if youknow how to turn it on.#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed ofregular size, but if you don't have enough furnitureto fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced tocontact your present landlady. _____
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marlin29311
- Posts: 8342
- Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 8:21 pm
- Car: 2008 Infiniti G35x
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (nissangirl74)
nissangirl74 wrote:APARTMENT FOR RENT A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spendthe night with her for $500. They did their thing,and, before he left, he told her that he didnot have any cash with him, but he would have hissecretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not beenworth the price. So he had his secretary send a checkfor $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of yourapartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediatelyreturned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect abeautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if youknow how to turn it on.#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed ofregular size, but if you don't have enough furnitureto fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced tocontact your present landlady. _____
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DrifterXRPS13
- Posts: 12391
- Joined: Fri Sep 19, 2003 4:14 am
- Car: 1993 Acura Integra LS, 1998 Nissan 240SX SE 5sp. KA-T,2004 Honda CBR 600RR, 2005 Suzuki GSX-R 600, 2013 Harley Davidson Iron 883, 2014 BMW S1000RR
- Location: Vernon Hills, IL
- Contact:
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
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- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
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Re: (DrifterXRPS13)
The Vanilla pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.. The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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DrifterXRPS13
- Posts: 12391
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- Car: 1993 Acura Integra LS, 1998 Nissan 240SX SE 5sp. KA-T,2004 Honda CBR 600RR, 2005 Suzuki GSX-R 600, 2013 Harley Davidson Iron 883, 2014 BMW S1000RR
- Location: Vernon Hills, IL
- Contact:
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
- Posts: 13910
- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
- Car: 2014 Xterra Pro4X, '12 Titan 4x4, '98 240sx, '89 Pao, '77 620, '72 240Z w/RB25, '68 510, '67 WRL411, '67.5 SPL 311, '63 Bluebird, '63 NL320
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (nissangirl74)
Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'
Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'
First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'
Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'