I just had to share this....

[drksolest]

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

this one is my fav so far!

[nissangirl74]

DON'T LET HIM CATCH A COLD

A man returns home a day early from abusiness trip. It's after midnight. Whileenroute home he askshe cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspects his wife is having anaffair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arriving home, the husband andcabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husbandswitches on thelights, yanks the blanket back and there ishis wife in bed withanother man!

The husband puts a gun to the nakedman's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I liedwhen I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.HE paid for your season PhiladelphiaEagles tickets.HE paid for our house at the lake.HE paid for our country club membership,and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, thehusband lowers the gun. He looks over at thecabby and says,'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his a**with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[jdansmith]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[nissangirl74]

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.""Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Pouff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Pouff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull s*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who s***s on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[nissangirl74]

What do you call an empty beer bottle with 5 bumble bees inside?

A redneck vibrator!!

[nissangirl74]

> This is a great example of "of did i say that out loud?" In a biology > class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels in semen which > gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A female freshman raised > her hand and asked,"if i understand you correctly, you're saying there is > a lot of glucose, as in sugar,in semen?" thats correct responded the > professor, going on to but statistical info. Raising her hand again, she > asked," then why doesn't it taste sweet?" after a stunned silence, the > whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red,and > as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said.( or rather > implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, > never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the professors > reply was classic. Totally straight faced he answered her question. "it > doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of > your tongue not the back of your throat.

[nissangirl74]

A male whale ejaculates 325 gallons of sperm. Only 10 gallons make it inside the female. Still wonder why the ocean tastes salty???

[hachiroku781]

A male whale ejaculates 325 gallons of sperm. Only 10 gallons make it inside the female. Still wonder why the ocean tastes salty???

[nissangirl74]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl said "No."Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."She thought for a minute and said she would have to consult with her boyfriend. she called her boyfriend and told him the story.The boyfirend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened...She said breathlessly, "The bastard used quarters!!"

[Cleveland180]

This Thread made my day... seriusly! Thanks Becky!

[nissangirl74]

A married couple walked into a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet, Mon!'

[RCA]

Haha...

Becky do you know the Voodoo Dildo joke?

[nissangirl74]

Nope. Post it plz and thank you.

[RCA]

VooDoo Dildo:

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the'voodoo dildo.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dildo?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big f***ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dildo, the door."The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dildo, get back in your box!" The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dildo, my p****." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dildo, my p****!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive tothe hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her p****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dildo, my a**!"

[snwbrdr435]

Lulzz

[TurboSauce]

^

[Chaotic_Warlord]

Here is a true story from my brother-in-law who had a couple of friends in college that were Army Rangers on assignment to teach the ARMY ROTC program.

Apparently this particular group of guys were in the same fire team together at their home Ranger Regiment and as such did everything together, in particular they always ate at the same table every meal. Well on this one particular day the chow hall was packed and all the tables were full up with only a seat or two left at each. So instead of eating separately one of the guys grabbed a giant fudge brownie off the chow line and puts it in his BDU pant pocket and him and one of the other guys sat at their favorite table.

The one with out the brownie starts to eat and then sniff, he makes a nasty face and say "Dude, do you smell something?" to his buddy, the one with the brownie says yeah and starts sniffing and says to everyone at the table "Everyone check their shoes", while they are doing this he slyly pulls the brownie out of the pocket and smashes it on the bottom of his boot. When everyone starts to say they don't have anything on the bottom of their shoes, the Ranger without the brownie tells his buddy to check his boots. Sure enough there in all of it's glory is this big nasty brown poo looking mess. He then takes his hand and claws it off the bottom of his boot, and says "Looky there I must have stepped in dog s***" afterward he sniffs it to make sure, makes a nasty face expression and witout missing a beat shoves the whole mess into his mouth... needless to say the whole team got to sit at their favorite table together that day.

[RCA]

GENIUS!

[nissangirl74]

A woman went into a pet store to buy her hubby a pet for his b-day. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet & didnt wanna spend a fortune. "Well" said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say its been trained to give blowjobs" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. The woman thought it would make a great gag gift & what if its true..no more blowjobs for her! So she bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her hubby, he was extremely skeptical & laughed it off.The woman went to bed happy, thinkin she may never need to give another blow job again.In middle of night she was awakened by the noise of pots & pans flyin everywhere makin hellacious bangin n crashin sounds. She ran downstairs to The kitchen only to find her hubby & the frog readin cookbooks. "What are you 2 doin at this hour?" she asked. The hubby replied..." If I can teach this frog to cook....u're a** isgone!"

[Nazc0]

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”

i have a few as well this thred mad my day all day long so might as well give back to the community
Modified by Nazc0 at 10:40 PM 9/28/2009

[Nazc0]

heres something to make you think for a whilesquares A and B are the same color

[Nazc0]

A Letter :THIS IS A GENUINE LETTER

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband orboyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer inOxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco LoyaltyCard, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you andyour family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by oursurveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people'strolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minuteintervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminineproducts aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3" in house wares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department andtold shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and aCalor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, hebegan to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as amirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in theHouse wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where theantidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the"Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voicesagain."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

[Nazc0]

A guy in a bar see a man with a head the size of an orange. Curious he asks him "were you born that way" the guy replys no and proceeds to tell the story of finding a mermaid stranded on the beach, and he helps her to get back to the water. For his kindness the mermaid offers him a free wish and having noticed just how beautiful and sexy she looks, he asks to have sex with her. "Unfortunately" says the mermaid "from the waste down I'm a fish so thats impossible". "OK" said the guy "how about a little head?"

[Nazc0]

Masked ManA couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.

Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.

She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.

Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.

When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"

He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing p0ker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"

[nissangirl74]

Masked ManA couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.

Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.

She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.

Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.

When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"

He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing p0ker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"

[TurboSauce]

ab the same color, this puzzled you?A and B are the same color.not the tiles. the LETTERS.

[EZcheese15]

ab the same color, this puzzled you?A and B are the same color.not the tiles. the LETTERS.

Actually no, it's the tiles that are the same color, not the letters. It's a puzzle because its an optical illusion, not a a trick of semantics. See below:

[nissangirl74]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Anime_TuneR]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl said "No."Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."She thought for a minute and said she would have to consult with her boyfriend. she called her boyfriend and told him the story.The boyfirend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened...She said breathlessly, "The bastard used quarters!!"

Very naughty

I enjoy reading these short stories. Keep posting please!

[Nazc0]

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a s***, my car was parked around the corner...