I just had to share this....
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (Nazc0)
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (Nazc0)
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (Nazc0)
This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."
Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a c*** that touches the floor." Whereupon both his legs fell off.
Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a c*** that touches the floor." Whereupon both his legs fell off.
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (Nazc0)
A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally."
The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.
One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay.
A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story.
Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!"
The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.
One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay.
A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story.
Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!"
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (Nazc0)
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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juliarichard34
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snwbrdr435
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Re: (juliarichard34)
you could have had more like that if you read the thread
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nissangirl74
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nissangirl74
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Re: (nissangirl74)
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat p***y." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like s***".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat p***y." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like s***".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
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wantz87
- Posts: 222
- Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 12:12 pm
- Car: 1990 240sx/stock v2.0
1998 GMC Sierra c1500 - Location: Dover, DE
Re: (nissangirl74)
litle tommy walks into his parents room to see his dad going at it with his mom. his dad notices tommy and gives him a wink and a nod, little tommy understands and leaves, closing the door behind him. after the parents finish and are laying in bed, the hear a weird noise from down the hall.... dad gets up to go investigate, only to find little tommy getting down with grandma. when the dad sees this, tommy looks at him and calmly says, "not so funny when it's your mom now is it?"
there's 2 potatoes in an oven. one rolls over and says to the other, "dammit it's hot in here..." the second rolls over and says, "OH MY GOD!! IT'S A TALKING POTATO!!!!!!
there's 2 potatoes in an oven. one rolls over and says to the other, "dammit it's hot in here..." the second rolls over and says, "OH MY GOD!! IT'S A TALKING POTATO!!!!!!
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nissangirl74
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Re: (wantz87)
A guy walks into a bar and after only taking 2 steps in, he realizes that it's a gay bar. He decides to proceed because he really needs a drink. A gay waiter approaches and asks: "What's the name of your pen15?" The customers says: "Look, I'm just not into that kind of stuff. All I want is a cold beer." The gay waiter says: "I'm sorry but house rules dictate that I cannot serve you until you tell me the name of your pen15." The customer says to the gay waiter: "All right....I will but first tell me the name of your pen15." The gay waiter says: "NIKE...you know, 'JUST DO IT!" The customer thinks for a moment and then says: The name of my pen15 is 'SECRET'. The waiter is puzzled and asks: "SECRET? What does that mean?" The customer says: You know, SECRET.....STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!
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nissangirl74
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Re: (nissangirl74)
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him. He looks down and says: 7 ft tall, 350 lbs, 20 in c***, 3lb testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says 'What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... ? I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 lbs, I have a 20 in c***, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'.
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nissangirl74
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Re: (nissangirl74)
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's a** and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's a** and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
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nissangirl74
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Re: (nissangirl74)
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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wantz87
- Posts: 222
- Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 12:12 pm
- Car: 1990 240sx/stock v2.0
1998 GMC Sierra c1500 - Location: Dover, DE
Re:
three mice are talkin in a bar, and discussing how tough they are... the first looks to the others and says, "when i find a mouse trap with the chesse, i set off the trap. when the bar comes down, i grab it, do thirty presses and walk away with the cheese."the second mouse laughs and replies, "when i come across rat poison, i grind it up and put it in my coffee. barely gives me a buzz..."they both turn and look at the third who has been uncharacteristicly quiet... he downs his beer and says, "i don't have time for this.... i gotta go home and f*** the cat...."
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
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- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
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Re: Re: (wantz87)
That was f***ing awesome dude!!!!wantz87 wrote:three mice are talkin in a bar, and discussing how tough they are... the first looks to the others and says, "when i find a mouse trap with the chesse, i set off the trap. when the bar comes down, i grab it, do thirty presses and walk away with the cheese."the second mouse laughs and replies, "when i come across rat poison, i grind it up and put it in my coffee. barely gives me a buzz..."they both turn and look at the third who has been uncharacteristicly quiet... he downs his beer and says, "i don't have time for this.... i gotta go home and f*** the cat...."
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
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- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
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Re: Re: (nissangirl74)
My wife was hinting about what> she wanted for our upcoming> anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that> goes from 0 to 150 in> about 3 seconds.'>> I bought her a bathroom scale.>> And then the fight started...
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Legion76
- Posts: 59
- Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:44 pm
- Car: 95 Zenki, 99 Ram 1500
- Location: Valdosta, GA
- Contact:
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND.....
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district..
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part..
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday She haddiahre dyrea direathethe s***s.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines...
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well..
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district..
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part..
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday She haddiahre dyrea direathethe s***s.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines...
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well..
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids
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Legion76
- Posts: 59
- Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:44 pm
- Car: 95 Zenki, 99 Ram 1500
- Location: Valdosta, GA
- Contact:
Vaseline Survey:
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes.. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge . But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you Use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes.. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge . But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you Use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke
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Legion76
- Posts: 59
- Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:44 pm
- Car: 95 Zenki, 99 Ram 1500
- Location: Valdosta, GA
- Contact:
First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Legion76
- Posts: 59
- Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:44 pm
- Car: 95 Zenki, 99 Ram 1500
- Location: Valdosta, GA
- Contact:
One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone 's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had exti nguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone 's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had exti nguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"
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Legion76
- Posts: 59
- Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:44 pm
- Car: 95 Zenki, 99 Ram 1500
- Location: Valdosta, GA
- Contact:
A beautiful woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the stunning woman and all his professionalism went out of the window. He told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting the Clap, which is why I came here in the first place.'
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting the Clap, which is why I came here in the first place.'
Re: I just had to share this....I'll post new ... (nissangirl74)
This deserves a
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
- Posts: 13910
- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
- Car: 2014 Xterra Pro4X, '12 Titan 4x4, '98 240sx, '89 Pao, '77 620, '72 240Z w/RB25, '68 510, '67 WRL411, '67.5 SPL 311, '63 Bluebird, '63 NL320
Re: (Legion76)
Legion76 wrote:
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
- Posts: 13910
- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
- Car: 2014 Xterra Pro4X, '12 Titan 4x4, '98 240sx, '89 Pao, '77 620, '72 240Z w/RB25, '68 510, '67 WRL411, '67.5 SPL 311, '63 Bluebird, '63 NL320
Re: (nissangirl74)
Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you. The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.His pen15 was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you. The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.His pen15 was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
- Posts: 13910
- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
- Car: 2014 Xterra Pro4X, '12 Titan 4x4, '98 240sx, '89 Pao, '77 620, '72 240Z w/RB25, '68 510, '67 WRL411, '67.5 SPL 311, '63 Bluebird, '63 NL320
Re: (nissangirl74)
A boy asked his dad, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'? The man thought for a moment, then replied, "Go ask ur mom, sister & brother if they would sleep w/Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back & tell me what u've learned." So the boy went to his mom & asked, "Would u sleep w/Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" She replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to send u kids to college!' Then the boy went to his sister & asked her the same question. She replied, 'OMG, I LOVE Brad Pitt, I would sleep w/him in a heartbeat!' Then the boy went to his brother & asked him the same question. 'Of course.' he replied. 'Do u kno what a million bucks could buy?' The boy thought for a few days & then went back to his dad. 'Did u find out the difference, son?' The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, u & I are sittin on 3 million dollars. Butrealistically, we're livin w/ 2 hookers & a queer
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
- Posts: 13910
- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
- Car: 2014 Xterra Pro4X, '12 Titan 4x4, '98 240sx, '89 Pao, '77 620, '72 240Z w/RB25, '68 510, '67 WRL411, '67.5 SPL 311, '63 Bluebird, '63 NL320
Re: (nissangirl74)
TAX QUESTIONS:
The end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d!ck.
The end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d!ck.
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nissangirl74
- Moderator
- Posts: 13910
- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:15 pm
- Car: 2014 Xterra Pro4X, '12 Titan 4x4, '98 240sx, '89 Pao, '77 620, '72 240Z w/RB25, '68 510, '67 WRL411, '67.5 SPL 311, '63 Bluebird, '63 NL320
Re: (nissangirl74)
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears..
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes" the mother replied, we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision. "That's great", said Little Johnnie cuz he'd be f***ed if he needed glasses.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes" the mother replied, we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision. "That's great", said Little Johnnie cuz he'd be f***ed if he needed glasses.
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dusred
- Posts: 3856
- Joined: Mon May 26, 2008 3:23 pm
- Car: Previous Q45 owner, 09 Corolla, Ford F250 Diesel truck
Re: (nissangirl74)
nissangirl74 wrote:TAX QUESTIONS:
The end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d!ck.
Re: (dusred)
How do you turn your dishwasher into a snow blower?................Give her a shovel.
Does not work around my house...but it did make me lol.
<<<<(wife)
Does not work around my house...but it did make me lol.
<<<<(wife)