I just had to share this....

[qat727]

Italian Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed." " Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

[qat727]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, ''I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you!"...The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'She agreed and accepts the proposal.Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, ''The bastard had all dimes!''

[qat727]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

[qat727]

Here's a joke posted on the wall at my old job..."Our Tech Support Director's name is Helen Waite, If you want tech support, go to Helen Waite!"

[qat727]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story -- Always keep your condoms in your car.

[qat727]

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erectlon.

The woman noticed his erectlon, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erectlon it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.''But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 68 years old. I only get an erectlon once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'M OUTTA HERE!!!!!
Modified by qat727 at 9:28 PM 2/23/2009

[qat727]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way...

[qat727]

Why I Gave Up fishing.

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, mademy lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook theboat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrentialdownpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, anddiscovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slippedback into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a differentanticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there isterrible!'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe mystupid husband is out there fishing in that crap?"

I still dont know if she was joking or not.....

[qat727]

I've got a lot more that I might put up if I dig them out.

Becky - I've got a few jokes about being from Tennessee if you want them. You might have already seen them, though.

[EZcheese15]

HAHA I've heard a few of those, but most of them were new to me! I especially like the anger management one LOL.

[nissangirl74]

I've got a lot more that I might put up if I dig them out.

Becky - I've got a few jokes about being from Tennessee if you want them. You might have already seen them, though.

Bring them on...sometimes, these things are what gets me through my day....lol

[qat727]

It takes tallent to be a Tennessean

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Tennessee.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

"Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Tennessee (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be a Tennessean; it takes talent. You might say, it's an art form or a gift from God!

[qat727]

You might be from Tennessee--

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Tennessee ..aka "Orangenecks" .

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Tennessee.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Tennessee.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Tennessee.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Knoxville for the weekend, you may live in Tennessee.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Tennessee.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Tennessee.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Tennessee.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Tennessee.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Tennessee.

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Tennessee

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Tennessee friends & others, you definitely live in Tennessee .

[qat727]

You might be from Tennessee if...

1. You can properly pronounce Ooltewah, La Vergne, Etowah and Maryville, Whitwell. And you know Dunlap isnt just tires!

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at weddings and funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes.

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You know someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Long Bed Crew Cab is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin'" to send them to your friends.

And finally: 19. You are 100% Tennessean if you have ever had this conversation: "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper"

[EZcheese15]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to: God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC...

and those ***holes deducted $95 in taxes

[marlin29311]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to: God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC...

and those ***holes deducted $95 in taxes

Those are all great!

[nissangirl74]

well, i guess I am talented then , because I could relate to so many of the things on that list......

[qat727]

well, i guess I am talented then , because I could relate to so many of the things on that list......

I've seen plenty of lists go around. I liked those. I can relate to a lot of the stuff on them, too. I love this state.

[nissangirl74]

My wife told me to make love to her like in the movies. So I stuck it in her a** and came on her face. She got mad! I guess we don't watch the same movies??

[nissangirl74]

definition of trust:

Letting a cannibal give you a blow job!

[EZcheese15]

definition of trust:

Letting a cannibal give you a blow job!

[EZcheese15]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .



3. She was only a whiskey maker,

but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class

because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder

and got a little behind in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

and was cited for littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France

would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



9. Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,

a nurse said, 'No change yet.'



17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison

was a small medium at large.



20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray

is now a seasoned veteran.



21. A backward poet writes inverse.



22. In democracy it's your vote that counts..

In feudalism it's your count that votes.



23. When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.



24. Don't join dangerous cults:

Practice safe sects!

[RCA]

OMG These jokes are funny for all the wrong reasons...

It reminds me of something Buzz Killington would say, LMAO non the less

[nissangirl74]

The Sex Professor asks:"Do you know what your ***hole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"Woman replies.."Probably deer hunting with his friends...."

[BusyBadger]

Three guys are in a bar (because all good jokes start in bars)...

The first comments on how he has four kids and only needs one more to have his own basketball team.

The second nods and says he only has three children but seven grandchildren, one more and he's got a football team.

The last man, recently divorced smirks and says, "You guys know I don't have any kids...but since Debbie I split I've been sleeping with five different women. One more and I've got my own golf course."

[nissangirl74]

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. Sure it tastes the same but it ain't f****** right!

[krimsonviper]

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. Sure it tastes the same but it ain't f****** right!

Wow... Just... Wow...

[nissangirl74]

A man comes home and shouts "Honey, pack your bags, i hit the lottery!!" She says, "OMG what should I pack?" He says, "Everything...get the F*** out B****!!"

[Logan76]

A man comes home and shouts "Honey, pack your bags, i hit the lottery!!" She says, "OMG what should I pack?" He says, "Everything...get the F*** out B****!!"

bahahahah lol!

[ADDirishboy]

A man comes home and shouts "Honey, pack your bags, i hit the lottery!!" She says, "OMG what should I pack?" He says, "Everything...get the F*** out B****!!"

That's terrible! I would keep my wife. I wouldn't want some high maintenance whore to spend my lottery money!