Questions For the married couples out there.

[costa_rican13]

That's assuming he works hard enough once he's in them...

[Jesda]

I wash the dishes, take out the trash, Vacuum the house, feed the cats, scoop the cat box (which the cats are decidedly NOT mine), occasionally feed and walk the dog, Shovel\plow snow, and fix anything broken (including computers). I also help my wife cook and do grocery shopping.

The easiest way is to just ask her to leave after handing her the cash. You shouldn't be following her home and doing her chores.

[cellardoorv]

This is in NO way going to answer the OP's questions, because hell, I'm not even married. But I wanna talk too.

I too, have become SLIGHTLY cynical towards marriage, but I attribute that to age. I still believe in the... "essence" of marriage I suppose, but I think the average person my age (24) is WAY too young to even fathom marriage. (Unless you're Lou, and you're like, the epitome of young gentleman ) I completely see where you're coming from Stace. As little girls, we were given this idea of planning our marriage at age three, envisioning our bridal party, jotting down the best wedding songs/dances and have all this cranked out by age 25 at the LATEST. And me coming from a foreign/European family, this issue is stressed even more. The women need to get wifed up, pop out the babies, and cook and clean for the husband. If you're not doing this by age 18, something's wrong with you. I've fallen out of the rabid "marriage hunt" a lot of girls my age are going through. When it comes, it will. If it doesn't, meh. I'm too young to worry about it anyway.

I do agree, however, about living together before marriage becomes an idea. It's good to know about people's little quirks before you're willing to share your life with them. You find out what is a deal-breaker and what's not. I couldn't tell you how many times I exhausted myself picking up Ryan's random black socks everywhere. They were just... littered, wherever he felt like putting them. Sigh. But I'm pretty sure my constant forgetfulness of closing cabinet doors bugged him just as much I think learning to co-adapt and sharing your personal space is very important before signing those papers.

As far as sharing duties, I feel that each person should be aware of their strengths and weaknesses. For example, (even though I love cooking) I usually did most of the cooking with Ryan and myself. I was the better meal-maker. But forget it if I'm trying to make something with less than three ingredients. Like... pancakes. But that's where he came in. Ryan made phenomenal breakfasts. So there ya go. I vacuumed and folded laundry (he didn't "do" it right and I'd have to refold it anyway), he bagged the dog poop, unclogged the shower drain , and most car maintenance (but I liked participating to learn). It's all about balance.

I feel like the institution of marriage has become a joke for a lot of people. People go into it with the notion of "hey, if it doesn't work out, I can always divorce". Nevermind the many, many different ways people are defining a marriage. One man, one woman? Two men? Two women? One man four women? Two woman, a man, and a duck? The possibilities are endless.

[Bubba1]

i do however get annoyed that he hates cleaning and grocery shopping (the very minimum which I ask him to do).
does that a marriage make?

No, you're missing one of the important components of marriage: Communication. Identifying whats wrong and fuming about it is easy. The real challenge is discussing it with him and divvying up all the household chores fairly. If he refuses to pitch in now, don't expect him to change if you get married.

[Bubba1]

I too, have become SLIGHTLY cynical towards marriage, but I attribute that to age. I still believe in the... "essence" of marriage I suppose, but I think the average person my age (24) is WAY too young to even fathom marriage. (Unless you're Lou, and you're like, the epitome of young gentleman )
s.

Lou???
I don't think 24 is necessarily too young, but I think much depends on the person/couple.

<got married at age 24.

[cellardoorv]

Marlin. I'm just teasin'... but he is a good guy. From what I've gathered anyway.

I do think it depends on a person, there's an exception to everything, but I did mention the AVERAGE 24 year old. Joel, we all know you're not just average

[Jesda]

Well, in Joel's time the average life expectancy was 40.

[Bubba1]

Well, in Joel's time the average life expectancy was 40.

[cellardoorv]

[Kompresshun]

<got married at age 24.

<Did too

It's not always easy finding the right person either, so I don't blame people for wanting to live with someone beforehand or not wanting to get married at younger ages. I honestly hated dating, I had the worst luck with every girl before I met my wife, but when I met her everything just fell into place. We never lived with each other beforehand either, but we were both raised that way so I believe it's different for everyone. The important thing is finding someone that you mesh well with and that you feel comfortable with. Also one of many things my wife and I agreed on while we were dating, is that divorce is never an option by any means, if we couldn't agree on that then we shouldn't get married. You can always work it out, aside from a few things that are usually unforgivable.

[Jesda]

A33, you're tugging at my heart strings with your old fashioned values.

[Kompresshun]

A33, you're tugging at my heart strings with your old fashioned values.

Don't cry Jesda, it's ok. Lets hug

Don't get me wrong, i'm not Mr. Perfect Goody Good but who is? I do have old fashioned values when it comes to relationships and marriage(and some other things too), but a lot of it is to do with what I grew up around.

My parents got a divorce when I was 11, my mom got re-married 3 years later to a guy she met in a bar, which she had only been seeing for 3 weeks and had been living together with since the first week. They went to the courthouse one day, got married, didn't care what I thought. My dad died from a 12 yr battle with lung cancer when I was 14, my mom divorced my step dad when I was 17, because of him being a prescription drug addict(which she found out about a few months into the marriage), then she dated a married man while still married to my step dad, then my mom developed brain cancer and died when I was 19. That's just a brief rundown of the things I had to see from age 11-19, not mentioning other things that shaped me into the person that I am today. I knew that I never wanted to make the mistakes that my parents made, mainly my mom, so I did my best to not.

I still made mistakes, but I had to grow up really quick, so while most guys my age were partying and dating every girl they could, I was trying to start myself in a good career and focus on what I felt like was important to me in life. Some thought I was missing out on living life, but I don't feel like i've missed out on anything. I have a great wife, a healthy and awesome baby girl, a roof over my head, two cars, and we both have good paying jobs. The only thing I still want to accomplish is getting a bachelors degree, which I wasn't able to do when my mom became ill and passed away, since I started working full time right away, I didn't know how to juggle it all at the time in my life.

So, that's the cliff notes of A33's life so far

[nissangirl74]

I'm assuming those aren't the only two chores (if you will) assigned to him. If he generally pulls his weight, I guess you just have to decide if these two annoyances are too much.

those are the ONLY chores assigned to him. lol.

I'm curious. Who "assigned" the chore list? You or him? Granted he sounds like he's perpetually lazy on all counts, but did the two of you sit down and discuss the 'chore list' or did you just assign him something you didn't want to be bothered with? You HAVE to sit down and talk about these things. He doesn't need a mommy to tell him what to do. And you don't need a little boy to raise. If there is a chore that neither one of you like, hell, flip a quarter for it. Heads you win, tails he loses.

[MinisterofDOOM]

Honestly, I think the root of the problem lies in thinking of them as "chores"--particularly chores that need assignment. Which I guess is two problems, really.

A: They're not "chores." They're s*** that needs to get done. So get it done.
B: Don't "assign" anything. Just effing do it. And I'm speaking to both people involved.

This is the example my parents set for me. If you're doing it right, assignments of chores and crap shouldn't be necessary. If you have to "sit down" and hash out who is going to haul out the garbage, you have much bigger problems than just chores.

If your husband/boyfriend is a big enough d!ck to make a big deal (or any deal at all) out of doing the dishes or vacuum or carry a smegging bag of garbage 30 feet, it's time to find a new husband/boyfriend. This s*** isn't rocket science, and it also ISN'T unpleasant. Tedious, sure, but so is a lot of s***. Still needs to be done.

Alternatively, if your girlfriend/wife is nitpicking who is "supposed to be" doing what, it's also time to find a replacement.

People make the biggest deals out of the stupidest s***. This is why I can't deal with people. Stop making everything an ordeal and just GET ON WITH LIFE for Hell's sake. If the floor needs vacuuming, vacuum it! If the garbage is full, haul it outside! Where. The Hell. Is the problem?

[Jesda]

Just pay your wife to do all the housework. All the underhanded stuff is fixed.


Trust me I'm an expert on lasers.

[Bubba1]

MoD,.I suspect if you found yourself doing the overwhelming majority of the household upkeep, and your significant other did pretty much nothing, you would not hesitate to speak up and work out changes. Not everyone is like that. Some people need their responsibilities spelled out for them.

Stace, its no secret most of us guys love to be pampered. So to hear that he doesn;t offer to chip in while you do the majority of the housework is unsurprising. That's not to say he's blameless. There is a partnership aspect to relationships. If you don't like something that's going on, like his being a lazy slob, its your responsibility to get it on the table and discuss it. If he's unwilling to work it out with you, then perhaps he's not a wise choice for a future husband.

[marlin29311]

(Unless you're Lou, and you're like, the epitome of young gentleman )

You make me blush Play date?

[AppleBonker]

he didn't "do" it right and I'd have to refold it anyway

How are there sooooo many different ways to fold laundry? And why is it that no one folds things the way I do? And have you ever tried folding using some other person's method? I've tried to fold the girl's clothes before and it just feels so unnatural. Somehow it feels like someone fed me 15 shots of whiskey and then tied my hands behind my back and said, "Fold!". Why is it so complicated?!?

MoD,.I suspect if you found yourself doing the overwhelming majority of the household upkeep, and your significant other did pretty much nothing, you would not hesitate to speak up and work out changes. Not everyone is like that. Some people need their responsibilities spelled out for them.

As much as I understand this point, it is kind of annoying having to hash that out. Granted, I live by myself. But when the girl is over she does an equal amount of the "housework". In fact, I believe she's cleaned my place more than I have over the last couple of months. But I cook most of the meals and she ends up with breakfast in bed most days. We never discussed any of this. It just happens naturally.

[MinisterofDOOM]

MoD,.I suspect if you found yourself doing the overwhelming majority of the household upkeep, and your significant other did pretty much nothing, you would not hesitate to speak up and work out changes. Not everyone is like that. Some people need their responsibilities spelled out for them.

This is true. But it's not likely I would HAVE a significant other like that, since I'd have to have made it to that point, which won't happen if they need their hand held to the bathroom and back. Which was the point of my post: if you really, really can't stand having to nag your significant other, why are they your significant other? Or why are you theirs?

[sentrastace]

But I'm pretty sure my constant forgetfulness of closing cabinet doors bugged him just as much

someone leaving cabinet doors open is like my ultimate pet peeve. im glad im not getting married to you

[Kompresshun]

Which was the point of my post: if you really, really can't stand having to nag your significant other, why are they your significant other? Or why are you theirs?

^True

My wife was always afraid to ask me to do stuff, during the first few months of our marriage, because she didn't want to "nag" me. We've always been good about helping each other out though and knowing what needs to get done, but I still had to explain to her that she didn't need to be afraid to ask me to do something. I can't read her mind, so something that may be dirty or out of place may not bother me at all, but may drive her bonkers and vice versa. We help each other out though, we know what bothers each other and we try to be aware of those things but there's some things that just don't bother us as much as other things.

Example for me: I absolutely cannot stand for the inside of our cars to be a mess, I can understand a couple of things here and there but my wifes car looks like a landfill at times. Fast food bags and cups all over the place, wrappers, ect. It doesn't bother her though, she works 12hr shifts, only usually drives her car to work, and occasionally on her days off. So rather than continually complaining about it, I clean it up myself but I do let her know in a nice way that I would appreciate it if she would try to throw away some of the garbage out of it more often and she does.

Example for her: She hates it when the bathroom sink is dirty for days on end, from shaving, toothpaste, ect. I could care less honestly because we're the only two people that go in that bathroom, but I do wipe down the sink every once in a while because I know it bothers her.

No matter how good either of the two are as a couple, neither are going to be mind readers, sometimes you have to help each other out

[Jesda]

Example for her: She hates it when the bathroom sink is dirty for days on end, from shaving, toothpaste, ect. I could care less honestly because we're the only two people that go in that bathroom, but I do wipe down the sink every once in a while because I know it bothers her.

I let the toilet and tub get kind of bad before I call my maid. I have an excuse though; I'm nearsighted and don't often use my glasses in the bathroom, so I literally can't see the mess. On occasion I've stepped into the tub without remembering to remove my glasses and I've been a bit shocked at the sight. Its like the grime came out of nowhere.

[Kompresshun]

I let the toilet and tub get kind of bad before I call my maid. I have an excuse though; I'm nearsighted and don't often use my glasses in the bathroom, so I literally can't see the mess. On occasion I've stepped into the tub without remembering to remove my glasses and I've been a bit shocked at the sight. Its like the grime came out of nowhere.

I can't blame it on my eyes, I have near 20/20 vision, I really only need my glasses for driving. Even then, I can live without them

It would begin to bother me after a couple of weeks, but i've never really cared about the bathroom much, as long as it wasn't moldy and gross. We're not clean freaks anyway though, we keep things clean but we don't have people over to our house very regularly so we just keep the basic areas clean and when we're having company over, we usually go overboard with the cleaning. When I was single though, the living room and the kitchen were the only places I kept clean, mainly because I hardly ever spent any time there.

[Bubba1]

someone leaving cabinet doors open is like my ultimate pet peeve. im glad im not getting married to you

I always thought leaving the toilet seat up would be worse...

[sentrastace]

I always thought leaving the toilet seat up would be worse...

oddly, that doesnt bother me at all! he doesnt do it, but it doesnt drive me bonkers like leaving cabinets open does. its like god damn its the easiest thing to do, you open it, you close it...and when you leave a ton open the entire place looks like s***. hahaha. (luuuuuuv you michelle )

[cellardoorv]

Oddly enough, I never did it before I moved out... and now that I'm back home, I don't do it either. Dunno what it was about Maryland that left me "cabinet door open" prone.

[skydragoness]

MoD,.I suspect if you found yourself doing the overwhelming majority of the household upkeep, and your significant other did pretty much nothing, you would not hesitate to speak up and work out changes. Not everyone is like that. Some people need their responsibilities spelled out for them.

You mean..like children? [gets the hell out of this thread]

[MinisterofDOOM]

You mean..like children? [gets the hell out of this thread]

Internet high-five.

[Jesda]

Would like to know why some of you got divorced

[nissangirl74]

MoD,.I suspect if you found yourself doing the overwhelming majority of the household upkeep, and your significant other did pretty much nothing, you would not hesitate to speak up and work out changes. Not everyone is like that. Some people need their responsibilities spelled out for them.

You mean..like children? [gets the hell out of this thread]

WIN