to guys with little sisters...

Post by **fiznat** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

If you're a big brother like I am, then you know what I'm talking about. This is a little bit personal, so please dont screw around with this too much.

Little background first: I'm 21 and my sister is 20. We're both goin to college right now, she's a junior in Worcester MA, and I'm a senior in Boston. We go to our seperate schools during the winter, and both come home for the summers.

Ever since I went to college and she was finishing up high school, I have been noticing some changes in my sister. Its like she stopped caring about normal courtesy, stopped caring about repect (for both herself and others), and stopped being the sister that I really remember. I know that she started trying drugs (weed at first, I dont know how far she's taken it though), and she's been drinking alot lately as well. She dates (or hooks up with) the most piece of garbage guys I have ever seen in my life- people who you dont want to set foot in your yard, nevermind date your friggin sister. She doesnt care what anyone says to her, and she gets defensive as HELL whenever I try to give her a little truth and honestly. She dyed her blonde hair black and started acting super shady, broke off communication with her high school friends and acts really secretive.

She has started treating me with complete disrespect. I had her over my place a month or so while she was in town. I was pulling an all nighter writing a lab report due the next day so she went out to "meet up with some people." She ended up coming back drunk with this total loser she met in the friggin subway and decided that she wanted to have him sleep over at my place. I kicked his *** out, and *****ed her out for being so stupid (and rude!), and she got pissed at ME.

Over break she tried to hook up with 2 of my friends while she was drunk. My friends are good guys and they know better than to mess with my sister... plus they told me all about what happened- but I'm REALLY ANGRY with my sister for it.

Now, I know the brotherly thing is to protect her and to take her side. I love her, she's my sister, but she's doing all kinds of stupid things (even more than Ive mentioned here), hurting herself and everyone around her. She's EXTREMEMLY defensive when anyone asks what the hell she thinks shes doing, wont take advice from aaaaannnyone.

I dont know what to do guys... I'm angry and I'm concerned, and I feel like I have no real option besides wait it out and hope things get better.

Anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice?

Post by **Get240DiZzY** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I have a li'l sister too, (not quite as old as yours yet) but I don't think she holds much relevence to this thread... sorry I can't contribute.

However I will say that I really don't see any options than to wait it out either. Hopefully she will come around some day, or worse, it'll take her getting pregnant/overdosing to snap her out of it.

Again, I'm sorry I couldn't be more help. ...by the by, have you talked to your parents?

Post by **j-z** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

i dont have a sister but let me take a stab, is she a pisces?

Post by **fiznat** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

my parents are worried about her as well, but I dont think they really know the extent of it. They see that she's changing as much as anyone around her does, but she doesnt hear the rumors I do, or see what I see all the time.

I dont think my parents could handle it any better than I can though... not to say that they dont deserve to know, but I... I donno

Post by **The Mic** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

i have some advice. Well shes 20 yrs old and you guys go to seperate colleges, theres not that much u can do to have her change her ways, she can only change is SHE wants to. How she lives her life is up to her. IF u keep telling her that shes being stupid and dumb shell just keep drifting away from you and keep being stubborn and think that shes right and ur wrong. The one thing u can do is have a good talk with her , in person if u can, and discuss how you feel in a calm manner. Like invite her to have coffee with you , that way shell know you want to talk. Dont get all upset bc shell just ignore you and wont hear you out. Just explain to her in a calm manner how her actions affect you and sometimes u are not comfortable with her decisions, and u care about what she does bc ur her bro, if u werent her bro u could give a flying fuk about what she does. idk its just my .2 centavos

Post by **Cyberkreig** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

I'm sorry to hear that man. I've got a kid brother that looks up to me.. or he use to. I can identify in some ways.. and obvisouly not in others.

I belive firmly in tough love.. have you ever considered 'narcing' on her? turning her into your parents or the cops when she is drunk? Schools, parents and police take underage drinking seriously. You could even do it annomously (sp). It might make her hate you forever.. or it might be the kind of wakeup call she needs. I am fine with my little bro partying, i'd even party with him, but if it got that far out of hand that I couldnt reason with him, I would find someone that could.

Post by **f1seb** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

BOOT CAMP and that will straighten her way out. The problem is she needs to be sent there by a judge. So if you know somebody then send her *** off there.

Post by **The Mic** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

nah i belive shell just hate you if u told on her. One of my best friends is a girl and she use to call me like a 2:00am in the morning to pick her up from parties or if she was just left stranded. I got so pissed at her, i told her off but i didnt yell i let her know in a serious yet cool kinda way. Anyway since i gave her a good talkin to and she woke up and went back to her old self. Lotsa times girls do crazy stuff bc theyre confused and think its them against the world. I mean I would rather have a person close to me tell me off than a total stranger.

Post by **gabossie** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

I am in the same situation. My sister is 19, and I'm 20 but we go to the same college, which is both good and bad. I have to fight myself, especially at parties with her because I want to be protective, but it only pisses her off. I've found the only way I can have ANY success in influencing the way she chooses to live her life, is to be her friend. She and I get along better now than ever, and it's because I stopped getting pissed when she did stupid stuff, and started hanging out with her more. I just occasionally give her a little piece of my mind in a "friendly" way, and she takes it respectfully most of the time, rather than shutting me out and getting pissed as it used to be. Good luck man, we both need it and so do our sisters. Oh, and parents DON'T help. She's old enough to take care of herself, and interference from parents makes the situation much worse. Trust me....

Post by **j-z** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

gabossies reply is in my favor.

Post by **Qdemption** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

I have a little sister as well. She is 21 and I 24.

My advice is to take jabs at her. Like, "Oh you dyed your hair black, what did Daddy not give you enough attention?". Blunt and sarcastic like.

She sounds like she doesn't want to take any responsibilities for her actions. She will come around, it might take time, but remember she is only one year removed from being a teenager and all this new freedom from going to college might be going to her head. It is normal man. Just let it ride and all the while make fun of her for it. Nothing makes me smile more than making fun of my little sister, sad but true.

Post by **j-z** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

lol making fun of does help.

Post by **blue eyes** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

well advice from a women... it is hard to seperate from people you love and it might be a rebuttle and if she is being that sexually active... as she might have had something happen sorry to say, i could be wrong but women that has been raped and or molested sometimes either have a hard time speaking to men or they go to men for sex for they need to feel ...well it is so hard to explain. but f you have any more questions i will try to explain it better

Post by **blue eyes** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

ps it is 3 in the morning and i am half asleep sorry i hope it is somewhat clear

Post by **Mr1der** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

get incredibly drunk around her while she's sober, like puking on yourself drunk.

maybe she'll get a sample of what she's giving you.

well, probably not, but I bet she won't enjoy you puking in her hair.

I suck at advice...

Post by **jesda_guy** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

She sounds like me. Perfect through high school, but saved the teen angst for the early 20s. (Im now 22 and fully reformed.)

To be honest, she's going to learn this the hard way. Hopefully she doesnt drop out or get pregnant. Problem is, the parentals have a harder time keeping an eye on an older kid.

She could also be suffering from recent trauma -- rape, abuse, etc. Keep a close eye on her and nag her to make her tell you whats up. Maybe use her drunken moments as an opportunity to squeeze out the truth... Unless shes like me and lies through her teeth when drunk.

-Jesda_Guy

Post by **Axel Grungy** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

yeah theres not much you can do i would say, she has to want to change HERSELF, simple as that. no one is going to do that for her. i would definately voice my concerns for her, but dont try to be mean and piss her off more. i so know how you feel tho, your almost helpless. i was in that situation for many years.

Post by **Scorch** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

kinda know what you mean. i have this girl freind whos like a sister to me. since going to college with me, shes changed into exactly the description you gave of your sister. Now, i know she did some experimenting in high school, but she kicked it into overdrive recently. From getting drunk at least twice a week to buying a quarter pound and dealing frequently, i worry for her at times. I guess the worst was when she called me at 430 on a tuesday night to come pick her up from a house an hour away. i drive over there (being the nice guy that i am:rolleyes ) cant find her, and after another hour of searching i find her passed out underneath a bed in the back room surrounded by guys and chicks (lets not think about that). after making sure shes alive and telling her belligerent guy freind to **** off, i drag her *** back to my car and get back to campus around 8 oclock, where she still out of it. later i find out she had a little cocaine and a lot of booze and weed. after two days of recovery i ask her about it and she gets pissed off. hmmm, sorry for caring.eh, people change. i know i did. just dont let them affect you.

Post by **Rockenreno** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

fiz-I too have a little sister who will be headed off to college soon. She can be real stubborn, but luckily I don't think she's messing with any of the "bad stuff" yet. You probably aren't going to get anywhere doing it the hard way. That tends to just drive them further away. I think the best thing that you can do is try to spend a little more time with her doing things that are "good clean fun", etc. Express your concern calmly, reassure her that you know that its her decision, etc, but convince her to think about her actions and how they affect not only her, but you, your family, and her friends. Maybe you can appeal to her kindness (or whats left of it) to change her. The change won't happen overnight, but if you get it into her head enough it just might get to her before its too late. It all comes down to her willingness to change though, you can't do it for her.

Best of luck!

Website · Post by **creophus** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

Man that's a heavy situation. You may not be a religious man, but the best thing you can do for your sister is pray. Pray that God will change her from the error of her ways. Seriously.

Post by **[Zero-S]** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

Fiz, I don't have a sister, but my little brother is getting the same way. And I mean theres only but so much I can do to protect him aside from slamming him into a wall every now and then just to get the idea to him. I guess even though I don't always show it I love him to death, I mean hes my bro.

On a side note, my gf/ex gf/I don't know what she is right now is getting like that, and I don't like it one bit. See her I can stop tho...

Post by **StrangeLove** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

Is she hot? :pimp

JOKING

But seriously man... The best thing you can do is to turn her in, and get her some help. She will hate for it for a long time. but trust me, in the end after shes grown up abit. She will love you for doing it...

Post by **fiznat** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

Thanks guys for all the thoughtful advice, I read every bit of it and it's really been helping.

I talked to her today on the phone- actually had a meaningful conversation for like the first time in 4 years. I told her I was pissed off that she was treating me and my friends with such disrespect, and made her realise how much it bothers me that shes starting to let herself slide. I tried to remain as neutral and anti-antagonist as possible so she didnt get defensive-- and I think it worked to an extent.

She still pretty much told me that everything is fine, which I dont totally beleive, but she also pointed out that I dont really know whats going on in her life right now. It's true that I've sorta seperated myself from her recently, not visiting her at school and all that... I donno I guess I just didnt know what to do. She said that she would tell me whatever I wanted to know if she could beleive that I wanted to take an active part in her life there. I see her sorta turning it all around on me here, but she does have a point. I found out the truth about a couple things that was bothering me, and we're now at least heading in a positive direction as brother + sister. Not to say that she's dumped her ex-crack dealer boyfriend yet, but I'm working on it-heh.

Thanks again guys, I truly appreciate it. NICO is definetly good for many things above and beyond cars.

Post by **Get240DiZzY** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

:thumbup

Post by **The Mic** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

bleh screw nico :p

::raises hands :: WHAT, WHAT!!

Post by **StrangeLove** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

Quote »she also pointed out that I dont really know whats going on in her life right now. It's true that I've sorta seperated myself from her recently,[/quote]

It seems to me that you had a good reason to seperate yourself from her. Don't let her put the blame on you. It was her actions that caused you to back away ... right? Hell, what do I know, i'm only 16 :slap

Post by **James @ ID-M** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

I can take a very good shot. Being her age.. and how you describe her.. and saying your not sure how far she has gone with drugs. It could quite easily be ice or some sort of meth. It is extremely popular with kids in highschool and college right now. It makes people very defensive and shadey. Things you could look for.. does she eat much? sleep much? etc.. if you find out she is... try to get her some help.

Post by **Cyberkreig** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

to associate shady teenage angst and meth is a big jump. dont get me wrong meth is horrible stuff and anyone on it should get help while they can... but..

a 20 year old college girl doing drugs, drinking & being promiscious(sp).. its not really a shock (no offense fiz). Fiz seems to be a pretty strait laced guy.. he seemed shocked that his college aged sister smoked weed.. to many people this is simply a fact of life (college kids drink & smoke). I dont mean to at all downplay the sevarity of your situation fiz. I just mean that it is to some extent a matter of perception. It strikes me as odd that some people think its 100% normal, some feel its a problem, and james thinks she is on meth..

Post by **The Mic** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

no its just the fact that its HIS sister doing it. Its like when dad's daughter is married, he doesnt imagine that his little girl would have sex , but everyone else knows they are. its all in his mind. You know waht im saying?

Post by **C-Kwik** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:16 pm

fiznat wrote:Thanks guys for all the thoughtful advice, I read every bit of it and it's really been helping.

I talked to her today on the phone- actually had a meaningful conversation for like the first time in 4 years. I told her I was pissed off that she was treating me and my friends with such disrespect, and made her realise how much it bothers me that shes starting to let herself slide. I tried to remain as neutral and anti-antagonist as possible so she didnt get defensive-- and I think it worked to an extent.

She still pretty much told me that everything is fine, which I dont totally beleive, but she also pointed out that I dont really know whats going on in her life right now. It's true that I've sorta seperated myself from her recently, not visiting her at school and all that... I donno I guess I just didnt know what to do. She said that she would tell me whatever I wanted to know if she could beleive that I wanted to take an active part in her life there. I see her sorta turning it all around on me here, but she does have a point. I found out the truth about a couple things that was bothering me, and we're now at least heading in a positive direction as brother + sister. Not to say that she's dumped her ex-crack dealer boyfriend yet, but I'm working on it-heh.

Thanks again guys, I truly appreciate it. NICO is definetly good for many things above and beyond cars.

What you did is along the lines of what I would recommend. More than anything, be open and understanding and don't be quick to judge. People generally tell you more when you listen, even if it's something you didn't ask about. And make sure you listen to her entirely. Wait for her to be finished before telling her how you feel. It's important you are honest with her, but let her realize that it is her choice what she does with her life. I would also make sure you tell her what her strenghts are. People who are insecure about themselves tend to make poor decisions on a regular basis. This also reinforces that you still think she is a good person. Make sure she understands that even good people make bad choices. But that she also has to take responsibility for her choices. If you leave the conversation with her knowing it is her choice, it is more likely that she will take control of her life more. A lot of people who are told what to do, don't do it out of the fact that it seems like they would be doing it to please someone else. Reverse Psychology works two ways...

Lastly don't be focused on how she treats you. That can come off as selfish. Be focused on her well-being.

to guys with little sisters...

to guys with little sisters...

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