themadscientist wrote:I like the way everyone looked real scared like he was going to come across that table and bitchslap them if they interrupted. He's calling for exactly what I have said the President needs to do, come out and tell the people what the deal is and align himself with us. I'm not a supporter of this President, but congress is the problem here. Obama can't make them do anything and while that is one of our valuable checks and balances people seem to forget who the problem is here and while he may say things some people don't like it's people like Pelosi and Reid and Boehner and McConnell causing this political quagmire.
I would give Obama a thumbs up and a F-yeah Mr. President if he held a press conference and said,
America, s***'s f***ed up and I've tried to get these people to work together, but they are just a bunch of selfish ***holes who don't give two s*** about this country. I encourage you to make sure they hear your voice because I do. We have our difference, yes, and we have different ideas on how to get out of this situation, but I think we all agree that the current condition is unsustainable and that the political bullsh*t needs to be tabled and a real discussion commenced. I'm a Democrat, yes, but I am an American first, and what is going on here is juvenile and we no longer have the luxury of putting party before country, credit before progress, and egos before action.
It would be cool if he added
I have been a nice guy up till now. That s*** is over. I am announcing today the appointment of some new staffmembers. A Mr. Greg Childs will be placed in charge of the FBI and charged with digging up all the dirt on every congressman and woman. He has an established track record of "PWN the scammers" and i think we have quite a bit of that down the street. A Mr. Madscientist will be placed in charge of a special communications enforcement division and you may expect to see an elevation of the quality of questions expected and answers given and a lowering of tolerance for anything asinine and irrelevant.
He is currently en-route to Donald Trump's house with a copy of my birth certificate and the stated intent, and I quote, "to staple it to his f**king toupee and tell him to learn how to quit losing his own money before suggesting what America should do with it's money."
From there I am told he will be meeting Michelle Bachman on the campaign trail to give her a history book so that she might start to resemble someone who actually has a clue. He will be taking a weekend hiatus to meet with Sarah Palin to encourage her to fade into the obscurity she so richly deserves, shoot some guns and lay her out on a bear skin rug before providing her his "stimulus package." Upon his return to Washington, after delivering a monogrammed White House souvenir handkerchief to John Boehner, he will take up his post.
Per TMS' advice I will dispense with using a teleprompter, even though many people use them and nobody seemed to care. He thinks it will force you, again these are his words, "partisan hacks posing as objective professional journalists to fumble into real stories much like your adolescent gropings that lead top your first hand jobs." I will not resort to writing notes on my hand, but will instead look to my predecessor for guidance and biting my lower lip pause before multisylabic words before coining new terms on the fly like "terrorizors" or pasting in Who lyrics to common terms and then laughing about it before retiring to my new ranch that Tony Resco got me a sweet deal on.
TMS will stand beside me ready to wade into the crowd an backhand reporters who ask stupid questions so either start asking better questions or develop a tolerance for pain.
I'll be honest. I did this President thing because it looked cool, but truth be told it's a bunch of work and people are really pissed off at me. I'm here, though, so I'm going to try to see if we can get some things done.
"SIT DOWN! I'm not done.
...tomorrow at 4pm, we're taking all the Somalian and Pakistani aid money and giving it to a group of geneticists from India who are going to bring Ronnie James Dio, John Bonham and Randy Rhoads back to life, because they're gonna play at my re-election party on the White House lawn.
Wednesday, before we sit down with the people who run Wal-Mart (to figure out how they stay profitable year after year), we're gonna take away the tax-exempt status of every feel-good agency in the nation, including NOW and the NAACP (I got here, 'nuff said, yo). Later in the afternoon, I'm signing a bill that will take marriage out of the legal system and put it back in the churches, so you can marry whoever the hell you want, and you can smoke a big fat joint while you do it, because that's getting legalized on Thursday. Deal with it.
Friday morning, I'm gonna be busy as hell signing dismissal letters for all sitting members of Congress, but as soon as that's done, we're gonna roll back the legal drinking age to 18 for all members of the US military, because they'll all be coming home by next Monday and we want them to be able to have a cold brew with their brothers and sisters. At 2pm, I'll announce that half of the money we're gonna save on rebuilding craphole countries that I can't pronounce will instead be diverted into a special fund for policemen, EMT's, teachers and firefighters, effectively doubling their current income. The other half will go to funding college educations for any high-schooler with a 3.5 gpa or higher, so hit the books, kiddies - The rest of you will be issued a shovel, a spatula, or a paintbrush - since the military won't need them anymore.
Friday night, I'm gonna sit on the front porch of the White House, smoke a Cuban cigar with my new Cabinet members, pray to my God that the American people can somehow get behind this new direction we're taking, and if they don't want me back in 2012, I'll sleep well at night knowing I sacked up and implemented REAL hope and change.
God bless you all, and God bless the US of A. Peace out."