Mad's whiny diatribe against overteched cars

[themadscientist]

I wrote this a long time ago. Well, my gnome did. Sorry, he owns the property rights and the little f*** has been taking paralegal classes online and is being a d!ck about it lately. I was looking up another post and tripped over it and the s*** made me chuckle. Please forgive my naked nipple-pierced narcissism.

Fast forward to the R37

Driver walks to car and says "door open". The car door flips open automatically and the driver gets in. the car reads the RFID chip in the drivers neck and adjusts the seat for optimum ergonomic support accounting for the extra two pounds he has due to his midnight snacking on illegal doughnuts purchased from a seedy bodeg; pure uncut krispy kreme. Car makes report of potential illegal sugar and transfat consumption and forwards it to law enforcement before greeting the driver. "Good morning Dave".

"good morning GT-R" the driver replies. He continues "power up, drive to office". The car retracts it's electric plug from the garage floor and engages "D" to pull out of the driveway. The driver begins to read his paper and says to the car "GT-R, decaf skim milk latte with 1 unit of I can't believe it's not sugar". The car begins to dispense the beverage into its official GT-R mug while selecting government-approved popular music to play at a legal volume through the Bose acustimassive X-5000 stereo available only in the hi-fi spec 2024 GT-R.

As the car follows the road precisely equidistant from the edges of the road and at exactly 54 mph, "sport mode" would mandate 54.8, Its rear cameras target a strange white vehicle. The GT-R sends a request to the traffic satellite for information based upon the plate number. The satellite forwards the request to the government database. The supercomputers crunch the data and return the information back down the chain. The car scrolls through the data and modulates interior lighting to the perfect candlepower for reading the Wall Street Journal.

All that the database has on this car that is rapidly approaching is the make, model and owner. Apparently 1985 is under the cutoff date for mandatory ODB-6 compliance and this Skyline is that old. Some holdouts refuse to accept the demise of the internal combustion engine and in defiance brew their own ethanol at home and through a network of machinists and cottage-industry businesses craft replacement parts for these antique vehicles. They have no automation, many run hacked transponders that broadcast spoofed codes and do not record accurate operational data. They are a highway menace that good citizens fear.

The white car pulls up alongside and after passing cuts in front of GT-R 20 feet from the stoplight. GT-R immediately applies perfect braking and traction control to slow itself while the gyroscopic cup holder makes millions of calculations per second to keep the latte perfectly balanced without a ripple. The “driver,” now perturbed, instructs the car to respond, "GT-R, aggressive response level 2". The car flashes its lights and beeps the horn twice.

The driver of the obsolete Skyline turns down his stereo to confirm he heard something. GT-R takes a DB measurement, compiles a citizen action report and forwards it to law enforcement "Slipknot, unapproved entertainment at 8 times the legal level". The driver smiles in his classic reflective rear viewing apparatus on the door and begins spinning his tires. The GT-R driver, now alerted looks away from his paper in horror as smoke, rocks and chunks of melted rubber begin spitting from the spinning tires onto GT-R. "GT-R, reverse"! he screams. The car replies, "unable to comply with that request as traveling against the posted direction of travel is not permitted". The $200,000.00 car is now covered with dirt and melted rubber.

Satisfied, the obsolete Skyline owner pops the manual power engagement control and the car rips across the intersection but not before flipping "the bird." An archaic aggressive gesture, now illegal; GT-R files another report.

[dasoupdude]

High freaking five sir. +3245452345

[skydragoness]

High freaking five sir. +3245452345

I concur

[IanS]

well done.

[nissangirl74]

Spectacular. Hope I never see that day, or at least I hope to be the one in the Skyline.

[s0m3th1ngAZ]

They really need to make a movie based on "Red Barchetta". Your diatribe is exactly what that song is acting against

[Jesda]

I actually have the same gripe with luxury cars. I don't want gadgets, nannies, and OnStar nonsense. I want smooth, effortless motoring.

I don't want iDrive or 10 different settings for my rear diff. I want refinement and beauty.

Its too much!

[themadscientist]

I like simplicity as a default. Sorry ladies, in, out, repeat, that's all I got; try and make it work for you.

I would welcome certain types of whiz-bang like verbal control over certain things like windows and such, especially tuning for those of us who try to map solo. To be able to scream at the car "more fuel, less timing" during pulls would speed up things and leave both hands on the wheel and eyes on the road. Real time monitoring with audible updates would be nice instead of an old warning light.

Essentially, if the technology helps ME drive better, without driving FOR me, I am probably ok with it. If my car is smart, I want it to be an evil criminal f*** like me and be a wingman, not a nanny.

I would like the aforementioned old Skyline to have that.

Chapter 2, the day as seen from the "other car."

Driver walks to car and says "open." Car sits there. Driver says "open" again. Sexy lady's voice emanates from car. "What the hell do you think I am, an R37? Open me yourself you lazy f***." Driver takes out an old style key and opens the door and as he sits down the car continues to berate him. "Do you ask chicks to stick it in and get on top too, sheesh." Driver retorts "remind me to dial back your sarcasm setting. Car laughs, "you know you like me naughty."

The driver knows she's right. He starts her up and screens mounted low on the passenger side spark to life. "wheres the traffic today RS?" The car's computer screens start to outline primary routes to various destinations and she asks "where to today hot stuff?" "Out to farm here," touching a map point on the screen "to set up another feed stock arrangement; you drink a lot of the home brew baby." RS replies, "I'm worth it." Smiling the driver confirms "yes you are sexy," and revs the engine. "Ooooh, don't tease," RS replies.

The driver depresses the clutch (remember those?) slides the transmission into gear and eases out of the garage. Turning onto the street he gooses it a bit and steps the tail out leaving a hint of rubber on the asphalt. "The neighbor just reported you for noise violations" RS mentions. "f***," the driver spits. "Patch into the house's lawn bots and have them mow 'douchebag' into his front yard. RS reports with satisfaction "they are on the way."

RS breaks in, "#4 is a little weak, you might want to take a look; it's 2% lower on compression than average." "Check" the driver replies. "Hey, pull up some Slipknot would ya?" RS asks "which one?" "Whatever." RS rifles through its media server and accesses the file; Psychosocial begins to pound through the sound system.

Looking ahead the driver sees a new GT-R. He says "oh, ain't it cute?" RS snickers, "yeah, and it makes a great cappuccino too,, that SOB." The driver asks curiously, "what's up?" RS replies annoyed, "that bastard is scanning me." "bad touching huh?" RS sneers "didn't even buy me a drink first; scan this b****." RS intercepts GT-R's wireless transmission, spoofs the satellite IP and returns bogus information with a trojan horse. The car's laughter begs the question from the driver, "what did you do?" RS coyly replies "nothing. Let's just say the next time that car goes in for service it's going to pull an engine overhaul code." The driver honestly says "that's cold blooded."

Passing the GT-R the driver pulls in front right before the light and stops. "I was thinking of going back to the other turbo, whadda think?" RS starts to reply when a cute beep squeaks from the GT-R and its headlights blink. The driver turns down the metal and looks in the mirror at the GT-R. "Did that thing beep at us?" RS confirms, "yup, damned horn sounds like a quief too." The driver commands "RS, turn off traction control!" RS replies confused "traction what?" then realizing the joke plays along "yeah, sure, I turned that traction thingie off."

Engaging the front brake line lock and dumping the clutch the driver winds up the back tires and starts spitting rocks and melted rubber all over the surgically clean GT-R. "Yeah f***, like that s***?" he asks rhetorically. RS reminds him "you know those things have a self-cleaning function, right?" The driver protests "I know, just having some fun."

The light goes green and he pops the line lock off and launches the heavily augmented 85 Skyline through the intersection. Turning to the dash cam he asks "why don't you ever make me coffee?" RS laughs dismissively "you are so lucky you never put an ejector seat in me." The driver taunts "oh kitty cat has claws." In his wallet the drivers smart credit card beeps. Suspicious, he presses "what was that?" RS chuckles "I just sent your wife flowers, she deserves it for putting up with you."

[Ace2cool]

BAHAHAHA! Absolutely genius, Mad. Well done, sir. Well done.

[frapjap]

You've got a future writing that kinda thing. Skyline needs to fall in love with a 1985 911; oh the dirty things she would say about her filthy dipstick.

[sx moneypit]

Well done sir.IMHO,all cars should have a key and a throttle cable.

[Ace2cool]

throttle cable.

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[PapaSmurf2k3]

This thread.... it needs to be in the constitution.

[s0m3th1ngAZ]

You've got a future writing that kinda thing. Skyline needs to fall in love with a 1985 911; oh the dirty things she would say about her dirty dipstick.

A turbo slantnose? Yes please.



My uncle has a country place
That no one knows about.
He says it used to be a farm,
Before the Motor Law.
And on Sundays I elude the Eyes,
And hop the Turbine Freight
To far outside the Wire,
Where my white-haired uncle waits.

Jump to the ground
As the Turbo slows to cross the Borderline.
Run like the wind,
As excitement shivers up and down my spine.
Down in his barn,
My uncle preserved for me an old machine,
For fifty-odd years.
To keep it as new has been his dearest dream.

I strip away the old debris
That hides a shining car.
A brilliant red Barchetta
From a better, vanished time.
I fire up the willing engine,
Responding with a roar.
Tires spitting gravel,
I commit my weekly crime...

Wind-
In my hair-
Shifting and drifting-
Mechanical music-
Adrenalin surge...

Well-weathered leather,
Hot metal and oil,
The scented country air.
Sunlight on chrome,
The blur of the landscape,
Every nerve aware.

Suddenly ahead of me,
Across the mountainside,
A gleaming alloy air-car
Shoots towards me, two lanes wide.
I spin around with shrieking tires,
To run the deadly race,
Go screaming through the valley
As another joins the chase.

Drive like the wind,
Straining the limits of machine and man.
Laughing out loud
With fear and hope, I've got a desperate plan.
At the one-lane bridge
I leave the giants stranded at the riverside.
Race back to the farm, to dream with my uncle at the fireside

perfect movie premise.
All I need is a director and 100 million dollars.

What would be the car though...needs to be Italian of course.

[Gold Digger]

Ya know, I have heard that song hundreds of times before, and kinda knew it was about a car, but never really listened to the lyrics until now. Just listened to it on YouTube and read the lyrics.

That is a brilliantly written song. Thanks for that, homie!!

[themadscientist]

Great song with a great message.