legal custody advice request

[numbnuts240]

this is going to be long, if you don't feel like reading, you might want to hit your browser's back button now...

also, sorry if the information comes out a bit jumbled, i'm still very pissed off right now.

quick background:

my sister married this guy. they have a daughter. my sister's illness finally catches up to her and she passes away. my mother and father assume most of the responsibility of caring for my niece, he proves time and time again to be incapable and unwilling to do his part in caring for his own daughter. he already has a son from a previous relationship who he doesn't see, my mother actually sees his son more often than he does because she picks him up so that my niece can have a relationship with her brother.

since my niece was born 3 months premature, lots of doctor visits were required with a few scares that resulted in trips to the hospital. since my niece is with my parents 99% of the time, but he still retained full custody, my parents pushed for partial guardianship which allowed my mother to be able to pick my niece up from school and named them as medical proctors in the event that the father wasn't around to make any emergency medical decision. this was awarded to them with no issues. the situation is as follows: my niece spends every night at my parents' house. father picks her up to bring her to school, and my mother picks her up when she's out of work. weekends are spent with my parents.

now i've spoken to his son's mother, as did my mother, and found out that if it weren't for child support, his son would have zero interaction with him. she's now talking about getting his visitation rights revoked since he doesn't seem to want to take advantage of them anyhow (my sister made a huge point of taking his son on the weekends, well before my niece was even in the picture. awesome kid, btw). he now has a girlfriend who has kids, and he's been seen by his son's mother at the amusement park with her kids, but never takes his son or his daughter anywhere. i feel that if my mother had someone else to take her during the day, he would disappear from the picture completely.

my niece receives social security checks. they obviously go to him. no one, but him, knows where that money goes. she never has new clothes. she comes home in boy's diapers. gets sent to school with junk food for snacks. comes back with mysterious injuries, a burn once, a cut by her eye (which he claimed was rug burn. i know the difference between a cut and rug burn dumbass).

my mother had a savings account opened up for my niece, which was set-up so that only my mother could withdraw money, although she doesn't, all she does is deposit money. she called me earlier to tell me that she went to the bank only to find out that almost $300 is missing from the account. when she inquired as to why, she was told that apparently my niece's father opened up a checking account in my niece's name. he wrote a bad check and to cover it, they withdrew the money from the savings account. i'm so effing pissed. that's not his money to be spending, and to top it all off, he's ruining his own daughter's financial name. she's only 4.

i want my mother to seek full custody. both my parents are realizing that this might be the best course of action for the sake of my niece. i am a big advocate for the well being of children and their relationships with their parents, but i can't stand to see another child's life hindered due to the fact that one or both of their parents are douche bags.

update* just got off the phone with my mother. she visited him at his glamorous gas station clerk job. he claims the account was opened for the sole purpose of direct deposit of the ss checks. if that's true, why was there a check written? where is this money going anyways?

idk if i'm over-reacting, but i'm just looking for outside opinions. thanks guys, sorry for the wall.

cliff notes, my brother in law is a tool and my niece is suffering as a result.

[cellardoorv]

Sorry to hear about that Tito

Has your mother ever involved authorities? DCF or anything of that sort? I'm pretty sure they can investigate if indeed the checks are going to an account, or whatever he said they were doing. If the child isn't recieving proper care from the father, the grandparents of the child have every right to try and recieve custody, especially if they're the ones getting all the work and costs. Not saying your niece is "work", persay, but does take quite a bit of effort and money to raise a child.

Also, could they apply for some sort of financial help through the State considering they're having the responsibility of caring for her?

They should have a fair shot of getting custody, but probably only when authorities are involved.

[marlin29311]

I think your parents would have an excellent case in this respect - seriously dude. I would tell them to go for custody, and basically play out all of this information in front of the court. Your brother inlaw (i think?) is a total douche - he can't take care of his kids, let alone himself it sounds like.

I'm sorry to hear all this buddy....

[numbnuts240]

dcf was already involved when they applied for the partial guardianship. anytime that he does something shady or messed up, she documents it in great detail. everything that my niece has or has/is experiencing is a irect result of my and my parents' efforts to give her an awesome upbringing. from day trips to parks, trips to the zoo, circus, live shows, all types of toys, ets. not once has he ever tried to do anything remotely similar for her. she's had a rough start in life, i hate to see it further compounded due to another dead beat dad in the world.

[snwbrdr435]

They should have a fair shot of getting custody, but probably only when authorities are involved.

Time to start making some calls. It seems like it might be best to get her out of this situation as soon as possible.

[numbnuts240]

I'm sorry to hear all this buddy....

thanks lou. yeah, technically my "brother-in-law" i was never really a huge fan of him, but i dealt with it for the sake of my sister, and now my niece. but i'm at my wits end now. i never see him anymore, and tbh, i'd rather keep it that way in fear of me losing my cool.

[Beancooker]

That's s***ty. Sorry to hear Tito.

Wish I knew a little bit about the law in custody issues. I'm a God when it comes to traffic tickets, but family law is way past my knowledge.

I will ask my wife to add your niece to her prayers.

[numbnuts240]

thanks noah, i appreciate it.

[aris_unlimited]

Your Mom is doing the right things so far. One of the key things a judge is going to want is documentation about how things have been going. So it's good that your mom has been doing that.

When you said your mom is documenting stuff does she have Dr.s notes about the injuries the child has come home with? Anything like that from an outside source that can show mistreatment will also greatly help.

Also has anyone thought about asking him to just give up his rights and let your parents adopt the girl? If you throw in something to sweeten the deal like "you will never have to pay child support", he might go for it. Worked for my sis when she divorced her ex.

[numbnuts240]

the injuries were not serious enough to warrant a trip to the doctor. i understand kids get hurt, but it's like no one can explain how it happens, as if nobody is really watching her. how do you not know how a kid gets burned? how can you tell me that an obvious cut is rug burn, on her brow to boot.

she does have documentation from the times that he failed to show up at school to pick her up and my mother had to leave work early (a good 25 miles away) to go and get her. he never has a working phone, so getting a hold of him is very difficult to say the least.

[dusred]

CPS (aka DCF) has more power than any government organization - if you can get them on your side the deal will be done. They can rip families apart and do pretty much whatever they want with no accountability. If a child isn't being treated right call them in and they will take care of it. Not to mention they get huge bonuses each time they adopt a child out.

[ScrapMetal]

Sorry about your loss and about what's happening to your family and your poor little niece. Sorry I can't help you, I don't really know much about custody laws. That guy sounds like un tremendo descarado. I hope your mother gets custody and they take away his S.S. checks.

[Bmore-coupe]

Sorry to hear Tito. Call the right people, get your wrongs fixed, and let us know when this douche has no custody and is paying your parents.

[MinisterofDOOM]

i am a big advocate for the well being of children and their relationships with their parents, but i can't stand to see another child's life hindered due to the fact that one or both of their parents are douche bags.

Foster parents who care will be much a much more positive thing than a "real" parent who doesn't care.

It sounds to me like your parents have already done a lot of "official" things for your niece (hospital visits, etc.) which means they have supported evidence that they have been the real caretakers here. That should help their case a lot.

[numbnuts240]

thanks for all the kind words guys. my mother got the missing money from him yesterday, which begs the question, if he had access to the money, why was he writing bad checks in his daughter's name in the first place?

she told me that her and my father have decided to begin taking the necessary steps to making full full custody theirs. i'll keep you all updated as things progress.

so i'm at my parents' house last night for dinner and decide i want ice cream. i go to coldstone and brought my mother back a smoothie. my niece wants some and starts reaching for the cup...

me: nani, you have to ask if you can have some, we don't just take things. say "lela (that's what she calls my mother), can i have some, please?"nani: lela, can i have some, please?she starts sipping...me: come on brain freeze, come on brain freeze.nani: come on brain freeze.

cutest little girl ever.

[tiger-SE-R]

me: nani, you have to ask if you can have some, we don't just take things. say "lela (that's what she calls my mother), can i have some, please?"nani: lela, can i have some, please?she starts sipping...me: come on brain freeze, come on brain freeze.nani: come on brain freeze.

cutest little girl ever.

That kid is adorable

the catskill game farm trip that we're all planning is gonna rock

[numbnuts240]

the catskill game farm trip that we're all planning is gonna rock

[EpicNightMayor]

First of all, you aren't over reacting at all. He's taking something valuable from your family and slowly but surely tearing them apart, you've got every right to FABU(f*ck a busta up). I agree with you 300% that your family should get full custody. Sorry about your sister Tito, and you've got my number if you ever need to get something off your mind.

[numbnuts240]

thanks pat.

[EpicNightMayor]

Yeah, no problem bro.

[breadbox]

What a bag of d!ck. This guy sounds like a loser.

Take a picture of his place in comparison to where your mom lives.

The failing to pick up your child from school multiple times should be good enough for other family to step in as guardian IMO. I think in VA an unattended child of the age of 8 or younger is child neglect or something. This guy sounds like he's trying to be a s***ty father, Opening accounts in a minors name and taking SS checks. Build it up like he's being a fraud and they should hand over the child like that, son.

[numbnuts240]

it was the not picking her up at school thing as well as him not being reachable that prompted my mother and father to seek the partial guardianship.

Take a picture of his place in comparison to where your mom lives.

he doesn't live far from my house in a 2nd floor apt. it's in direct view of a cemetery, and abandoned hospital, and surrounded by kinda crummy neighborhood. although i'm only a mile away, my neighborhood is nice. my parents live in a single family house, across the street from an elementary school, 3 blocks from a reservoir and park, in the nicest neighborhood in town. there is no comparison between my house and where he lives, never mind between my parents' house and where he lives.

[EpicNightMayor]

Build it up like he's being a fraud and they should hand over the child like that, son.

He doesn't have to build it up at all. This guy's got no chance. Just state everything you told us above Tito and you've got a clear case.

[nissangirl74]

Unfortunately, I do have some experience in this area. I will share with you what I know but the laws vary from state to state.

-It is essential that your parents hire an attorney. It is well worth the money and will make everything go MUCH smoother. If the father is bouncing checks just to get through his daily life, he's probably not going to shell out for legal council.

-Your mother needs to keep a DAILY diary. Judges love details. Even if nothing bad happens on a given day, the fact that all things (good and bad) are recorded will look good to a judge.

-When my ex and I split, I was very generous with him in all matters: child support, visitation, etc. Didn't make much difference, he still didn't do things the right way. Priss was old enough to make her own decision in the matter. However, I hated to see her have to make it. Trust me, you don't want that for your niece. Priss is in a good place now, but she had to deal with a lot of s*** to get there and it still bothers her at times.

-Your parents just need to sever all ties with the father and get him completely out of her life. They need to act quickly, before your niece starts to develop memories. The less she can recall and brood about later, the better.

-On a good note, I was adopted by my Dad's parents when I was 6 years old. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. They gave me opportunities to do things I never would have had otherwise. A stable home, a great education, lots of love. I wasn't spoiled. I was nurtured, an incredible difference that paid off well. I take nothing for granted.

Hope this helps and best of luck to the whole family.

[breadbox]

Great point. Hire lawyer and he will run.

[numbnuts240]

thanks a lot for the info becky. what you said about priss being able to make that decision on her own is exactly what i've been thinking about the entire time. i'd hate to see how my niece will take it when she realizes that her own father really is a tool. it already kills me enough knowing that she has to endure life without ever really knowing her mother.

Great point. Hire lawyer and he will run.

my family has an awesome lawyer. that's the least of my worries.

[nissangirl74]

That's exactly why they need to get him the hell out of her life....NOW. When she asks what happened to him (and she will), just tell her that he wasn't able to care for her and it was in her best interests to live with your mom and dad. It's the truth and skips having to divulge any nasty details. Somethings are better off not known.

[numbnuts240]

update: my mother has an appointment for this friday with a lawyer to seek advice/legal counsel on what her options are and what appropriate steps she should be taking at this point.

[modo]

-It is essential that your parents hire an attorney.

It is going to be hard because he is the legal father, on the birth certificate, but the fact that she lives with your parents more than half the time will help their case so much. She recieves the SSI checks, not him, and if the court finds out that she doesn't get the benefit of this money, he may have to pay them back. Who provides her health care?(Don't answer, not my business, but if your parents do or could take the burden off the state if they got custody, it will be in their favor too.) If they want chlid support, they should go for it in court too. In MA, if you set up child support through DOR(child support division) and say he quits his job, they will withold his tax refund to give backpay. But they can only go back to the day the court order was filed. (Not to her birth, or anything.) But if it's just in the court order, without DOR's involvement, then it's much harder to get back pay, or prove he should pay more cuz he got a better job, etc. Your Mom needs to take the $$ out of the savings acct, and put one in her own name, with your neice as a beneficiary. That should bar him from using her money. Also, there's a difference between physical custody and legal custody. Physical is all about where she lives, and who makes day to day choices for her (hair style, clothes, food, toys, etc.) as well as doctor visits and what not. Legal (which can be joint) is for major decisions like religion, major medical things, and keeps a voice for the non-custodial parent for big things. They should, in my opinion, play hardball when it comes to child support. If he doesn't like it, they could suggest he give up his rights, and that would be for the best, but courts really don't like parents to do that.

If I can think of anything else, I'll let you know. But really, get a good family law attny. judges like dealing with them more, and he will look like even more of a schlep without one for himself. Good Luck!!!

[numbnuts240]

thank you for all the advice stace. i'll pass all this on to my mother so that she can be prepared to seek all the vital info that she'll need from the attorney. i want this to go as smooth as possible, without much bs and drama because that's the last thing i want for my niece's first big memories of her life.