OK...I'll post this up, then I have to go to bed. It's kinda long, but it's one of my favorites.
One day, this older fella walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. He orders a draft, pays for it and quietly sits there, keeping to himself. About 30 minutes later, the bar tender comes over and strikes up a conversation.
"How ya doin buddy?""Pretty good, barkeep. How about you?"
The bartender responds that he is doing pretty well.
They talk for several minutes and the bartender asks the man why he is in town, noticing that he is not a local.
"Just on my way through. Got in last night, and takin off tomorrow."
The bartender then asks what he does.
"Well," he says, "I am what you could call a gamblin man. I take bets for a living."
"Really, how so?" the bartender asks.
So, the man says that he will give him an idea of what he means."How much would you bet me that I can eat my right eye?"
The bartender says with a slight chuckle, "$50."
"Done."
The man then procedes to lean forward a little bit, take out his dentures and gently places them on his right eye, making a chewing motion with them.
The bartender, obviously douped, coughs up the $50 and puts it in front of the man.
"How bout I give you a chance to win your money back?" says the traveler.
"$50 says I can now eat my left eye, in a different manner this time."
The bartender pauses for a minute and thinks, I know this guy is not serious, he came in here on his own, he doesn't have a cane or a seeing eye dog, there is no way he can win this one.
"Deal," says the barkeep.
The man again leans forward forward, this time cupping his hand over his left eye. Several seconds later, he sits up, left eye closed and shows his glass eye to the barkeep, and then sticks it between his teeth, eating the eye.
The barkeep is now taken aback by this feat, and stammers before making a comment.
"That is just disturbing."
"Well, sorry about that, just proving my point," says the man.
They go back to having a normal conversation for a little over an hour, pausing here and there for the bartender to make drinks.
The bartender glances over his shoulder at one point and notices the man looking up and down the bar, as if he is measuring it.
"What're ya doin?"
"How long is your bar? End to end?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, just about 40' from start to finish, give or take a few inches."
"Tell ya what, I got one more bet for ya. I'll bet you your $100 dollars that I can stand at one end, piss all the way across the bar to the opposite side into a cup, and not get a drop on the bar. What do you think?"
The bartend steps back a few feet to asses the situation, contemplate what the man could do, and try to figure out if it's a safe bet or not. After several minutes, he reluctantly agrees.
The man stands up on the bar as the bartender puts a plastic cup at the far end. He pulls out his member and nothing happens.
"Hey, give me another beer would ya?" he says.
He takes his beer and drains it in a matter of seconds. Moments later, the golden river is flowing and piss is going everywhere.
Not one single drop made it into the cup.
The man zipps himself back up and climbs off the bar.
The bartender is laughing hysterically as he is cleaning up the mess.
The man pulls out the $100, sets it on the bar and turns around and starts walking to the door, chuckling loudly.
The bartender stops him just a few feet from the door.
"What's so funny? And where are you going?"
"Well, you see, I told you I was a betting man right, and well, to tell you the truth, I just won a major bet. You see those three college guys just outside the door, looking like they just saw a ghost. Well, they were in here last night, as was I, and we got to talking and made a bet. I just won that bet."
Astonished, the barkeep asks, "And what was the bet?"
"Well, the bet was for $500 each that 1.)You wouldn't give me a free beer, 2.) That you wouldn't let me piss it all over your bar, and 3.) You wipe it up smiling and or laughing."
joke thread.
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Gold Digger
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Bubba1
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Re: (C33LaurelRacer)
Pretty good. A guy at the local gas station has a DILLIGAF windshield banner on it.C33LaurelRacer wrote:OK...I'll post this up, then I have to go to bed. It's kinda long, but it's one of my favorites.
One day, this older fella walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. He orders a draft, pays for it and quietly sits there, keeping to himself. About 30 minutes later, the bar tender comes over and strikes up a conversation.
"How ya doin buddy?""Pretty good, barkeep. How about you?"
The bartender responds that he is doing pretty well.
They talk for several minutes and the bartender asks the man why he is in town, noticing that he is not a local.
"Just on my way through. Got in last night, and takin off tomorrow."
The bartender then asks what he does.
"Well," he says, "I am what you could call a gamblin man. I take bets for a living."
"Really, how so?" the bartender asks.
So, the man says that he will give him an idea of what he means."How much would you bet me that I can eat my right eye?"
The bartender says with a slight chuckle, "$50."
"Done."
The man then procedes to lean forward a little bit, take out his dentures and gently places them on his right eye, making a chewing motion with them.
The bartender, obviously douped, coughs up the $50 and puts it in front of the man.
"How bout I give you a chance to win your money back?" says the traveler.
"$50 says I can now eat my left eye, in a different manner this time."
The bartender pauses for a minute and thinks, I know this guy is not serious, he came in here on his own, he doesn't have a cane or a seeing eye dog, there is no way he can win this one.
"Deal," says the barkeep.
The man again leans forward forward, this time cupping his hand over his left eye. Several seconds later, he sits up, left eye closed and shows his glass eye to the barkeep, and then sticks it between his teeth, eating the eye.
The barkeep is now taken aback by this feat, and stammers before making a comment.
"That is just disturbing."
"Well, sorry about that, just proving my point," says the man.
They go back to having a normal conversation for a little over an hour, pausing here and there for the bartender to make drinks.
The bartender glances over his shoulder at one point and notices the man looking up and down the bar, as if he is measuring it.
"What're ya doin?"
"How long is your bar? End to end?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, just about 40' from start to finish, give or take a few inches."
"Tell ya what, I got one more bet for ya. I'll bet you your $100 dollars that I can stand at one end, piss all the way across the bar to the opposite side into a cup, and not get a drop on the bar. What do you think?"
The bartend steps back a few feet to asses the situation, contemplate what the man could do, and try to figure out if it's a safe bet or not. After several minutes, he reluctantly agrees.
The man stands up on the bar as the bartender puts a plastic cup at the far end. He pulls out his member and nothing happens.
"Hey, give me another beer would ya?" he says.
He takes his beer and drains it in a matter of seconds. Moments later, the golden river is flowing and piss is going everywhere.
Not one single drop made it into the cup.
The man zipps himself back up and climbs off the bar.
The bartender is laughing hysterically as he is cleaning up the mess.
The man pulls out the $100, sets it on the bar and turns around and starts walking to the door, chuckling loudly.
The bartender stops him just a few feet from the door.
"What's so funny? And where are you going?"
"Well, you see, I told you I was a betting man right, and well, to tell you the truth, I just won a major bet. You see those three college guys just outside the door, looking like they just saw a ghost. Well, they were in here last night, as was I, and we got to talking and made a bet. I just won that bet."
Astonished, the barkeep asks, "And what was the bet?"
"Well, the bet was for $500 each that 1.)You wouldn't give me a free beer, 2.) That you wouldn't let me piss it all over your bar, and 3.) You wipe it up smiling and or laughing."
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Bubba1
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Re: (Bubba1)
[QUOTE=Bubba1]
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average pen15 and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average pen15 and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
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Dieselman
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Re: (Bubba1)
A gentlemanly Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on the door and a shapely 40-something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of thenegligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this? He nodded his head and said, "Yes" and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this? The farmer said, "Yes" and another tear came from the other eye. Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes" and broke down crying. The lady said "What in the world is wrong with you?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"
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Dieselman
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Re: (Dieselman)
hink before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!Have you ever spoken and wished that you couldimmediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in towand asked loudly,"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"I turned around and walked back out and never went backMy husband didn't say a word...h! e knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.After browsing for several minutes,I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemenwho works at the store. He asked if he could h! elp me.Without thinking, I looked at him and said,"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall andpassed by a store that sold avariety of candy and nuts.As we were looking at the display case,the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.To this day,my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,my toddler decided to releasesome pent-up energy and ran amok.I was finally able to grab hold ofher after receiving looks of disgustand annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving"right now" she would be punished.To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in avoice just as threatening,"If you don't let me go right now,I will tell Grandma that I saw youkissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.Even the tellers stoppedwhat they were doing.I mustered up the last of my dignity andwalked out of! the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard whenthe door closed behind me,were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?Mythree-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty trainingand I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunchin between errands.It was very busy, with a full dining room.While enjoying my taco,I smelled something funny,so of course I checkedmy seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.The realized that Dannyhad not asked to go potty ! in a while.I asked him if he needed to go,and he said "No".I kept thinking"Oh Lord, that child has had anaccident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said,"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?""No," he replied.I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,because the sm! ell was getting worse.Soooooo, I asked one more time,"Danny, did you have an accident?"This time he jumped up,yanked down his pants,bent over,spread his cheeksand yelled"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,he calmly pulled up his pants and sat d! own.An old couple made me feel better,thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 daysand a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,in the future, likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!We had a female news anchor that,the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,turned to the weatherman and asked:"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last ! night?"Not only did HE have to leave the set,but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!Have you ever spoken and wished that you couldimmediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in towand asked loudly,"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"I turned around and walked back out and never went backMy husband didn't say a word...h! e knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.After browsing for several minutes,I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemenwho works at the store. He asked if he could h! elp me.Without thinking, I looked at him and said,"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall andpassed by a store that sold avariety of candy and nuts.As we were looking at the display case,the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.To this day,my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,my toddler decided to releasesome pent-up energy and ran amok.I was finally able to grab hold ofher after receiving looks of disgustand annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving"right now" she would be punished.To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in avoice just as threatening,"If you don't let me go right now,I will tell Grandma that I saw youkissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.Even the tellers stoppedwhat they were doing.I mustered up the last of my dignity andwalked out of! the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard whenthe door closed behind me,were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?Mythree-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty trainingand I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunchin between errands.It was very busy, with a full dining room.While enjoying my taco,I smelled something funny,so of course I checkedmy seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.The realized that Dannyhad not asked to go potty ! in a while.I asked him if he needed to go,and he said "No".I kept thinking"Oh Lord, that child has had anaccident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said,"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?""No," he replied.I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,because the sm! ell was getting worse.Soooooo, I asked one more time,"Danny, did you have an accident?"This time he jumped up,yanked down his pants,bent over,spread his cheeksand yelled"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,he calmly pulled up his pants and sat d! own.An old couple made me feel better,thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 daysand a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,in the future, likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!We had a female news anchor that,the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,turned to the weatherman and asked:"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last ! night?"Not only did HE have to leave the set,but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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Dieselman
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Re: (Dieselman)
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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jdm_master_X
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Re: (nismofly)
+1 for maddox. alphabet of manliness FTW!
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Bubba1
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Re: (jdm_master_X)
Ah restaurant jokes...jdm_master_X wrote:+1 for maddox. alphabet of manliness FTW!
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their mos t expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
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RB20DETodd
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Re: joke thread. (xekushnr)
What do you call a ****ty company that ****s people in the *** while their heads are stuck up there asses?
http://www.overnightautoparts.com
http://www.overnightautoparts.com
Re: joke thread. (RB20DETodd)
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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Bubba1
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Re: (KA-Te)
A husband and wife were asleep on opening day of deer season. The husband woke before the 4 am alarm and turned if off. In order not to wake his wife, he very quietly got out of bed, tiptoed to the bathroom where he washed up, and put on his hunting clothes. He then went quietly downstairs to the kitchen, fixed himself something quick to eat, put on his outerwear and boots, walked into his attached garage and gingerly loaded his stuff into his truck, got in, started it and pressed the automatic garage door opener.. Watching the door rise, he was deeply saddened that there was literal monsoon outside, cold heavy rain, some hail, gusty high winds. He thought to himself, " As much as I love hunting, this won't be fun". So he turned off his truck, closed the garage door, quietly went back inside. He removed his outer wear and quietly went back up to bed. Seeing that his wife was still asleep, he decided to totally disrobe, got into bed and snuggled up behind his wife. His wife sleepily muttered without opening her eyes, "Oh, hi". The husband whispered in a low sexy voice while doing some gentle groping from behind, " you wouldn't believe how awful it is outside/" To which his wife groggily retorted, "tell me about it, my idiot husband is out hunting in it!!"KA-Te wrote:^
Re: (IWannaS15)
What's worse than a worm in your apple?.......................Anal rape.
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ddgsxr504
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Re: (surfwax95)
What do blondes and tornadoes have in common....?
It's all sucking and blowing at first but in the end someone ends up losing their house.
It's all sucking and blowing at first but in the end someone ends up losing their house.
Re: (Bubba1)
It's all fun and games until somebody catches a load of birdshot to the head.Bubba1 wrote:A husband and wife were asleep on opening day of deer season. The husband woke before the 4 am alarm and turned if off. In order not to wake his wife, he very quietly got out of bed, tiptoed to the bathroom where he washed up, and put on his hunting clothes. He then went quietly downstairs to the kitchen, fixed himself something quick to eat, put on his outerwear and boots, walked into his attached garage and gingerly loaded his stuff into his truck, got in, started it and pressed the automatic garage door opener.. Watching the door rise, he was deeply saddened that there was literal monsoon outside, cold heavy rain, some hail, gusty high winds. He thought to himself, " As much as I love hunting, this won't be fun". So he turned off his truck, closed the garage door, quietly went back inside. He removed his outer wear and quietly went back up to bed. Seeing that his wife was still asleep, he decided to totally disrobe, got into bed and snuggled up behind his wife. His wife sleepily muttered without opening her eyes, "Oh, hi". The husband whispered in a low sexy voice while doing some gentle groping from behind, " you wouldn't believe how awful it is outside/" To which his wife groggily retorted, "tell me about it, my idiot husband is out hunting in it!!"
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hannibal
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Emailed to me from a guy at work...
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began hisround with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the thirdhole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phonerang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terribleaccidentand was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'dbe there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving whatwas shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in acoupleof more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing alleighteen.He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the clubrecordby five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed tothehospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about hiswife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished yourroundof golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out forthe pastfour hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has beenlanguishing inthe ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because itwill bemore than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require'round the clockcare. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man began to sob, because he felt guilty.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding!She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"
*groan*
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began hisround with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the thirdhole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phonerang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terribleaccidentand was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'dbe there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving whatwas shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in acoupleof more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing alleighteen.He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the clubrecordby five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed tothehospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about hiswife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished yourroundof golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out forthe pastfour hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has beenlanguishing inthe ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because itwill bemore than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require'round the clockcare. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man began to sob, because he felt guilty.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding!She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"
*groan*
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GrilledCheese33
- Posts: 4745
- Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 3:29 pm
- Car: 2008 Nissan Xterra
1972 Yamaha R5
2017 Sea Doo Spark Trixx - Location: 386 FL
Re: (IWannaS15)
These 2 men were out in the woods on a hunting trip. One hunter woke up before the other so he thought he would go ahead and leave the campsite to go hunt deer. He ended up killing a deer so when he got back he noticed his partner was still sleeping. He went along about his business and cleaned the deer. Then, he got an idea. He put all of the guts from the deer next to his partner who was sleeping. He then went to load the deer on his truck. When he returned to camp, His friend was sitting up with a troubled look on his face. The hunter asked him "whats wrong?" The other replied "When i woke up this morning i noticed i had sh** my intestines out during the night, But by the gift of god and a greasy stick I was able to shove them right back in."
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forksquared
- Posts: 1308
- Joined: Fri Aug 05, 2005 5:09 pm
- Car: 91 Nissan 240SX coupe
98 Subaru Forester S (New DD)
Re: (GrilledCheese33)
how many babys does it take to paint a wall?
1 if you throw it hard enough!
Whats funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clown costum!
1 if you throw it hard enough!
Whats funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clown costum!
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nissan_blood
- Posts: 825
- Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 6:28 pm
- Car: Striped s14
Re: (forksquared)
This dogs worse nightmare?..................
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between her asscheeks that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between her asscheeks that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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Sil40_Mayhem
- Posts: 3165
- Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2003 9:35 am
- Car: 1995 Nissan 240SX 5spd
1992 Acura Integra LS
Q: What do have when there's 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in the same room?A: 100 people that don't do d!ck
Did you hear about the new burger at McDonald's, the McJackson?It's 45-year-old meat inbetween 13-year-old buns.
One day, a mother was getting ready to bake some cookies. Accidentally, she had knocked her son's air gun pellets into the cookie dough. Later that day, her 5-year-old girl came up to her looking distraught. "Mommy! Mommy! Something bad happened" she said. "What happened?" the mother replied. "When I went to pee, a pellet came out!" was the answer. The mother thought long and hard, but then remembered the accident. "Sweetheart," she said, "Mommy accidentally spilled some pellets in the cookie dough, it's okay. You'll be just fine." Relieved, the little girl went on her way. A few minutes later, her 9-year-old girl came running up to her. "Mommy! Mommy! Something's wrong!" she said. "What's the matter, sweetie?" the mom replied. "I just went into the bathroom to pee, and a pellet came out!" the child exclaimed. The mother then explained the same thing to her that she did to the 5-year-old, assuring her all was well. About an hour later, her 13-year-old son came running up to her, white as a ghost. "Uh... Mom..." he started. "Let me guess," the mother interrupted, "you went to pee and a pellet came out, right?" The boy shook his head and replied "No. I was in the back yard jacking off and well... I think I shot the dog!"
Did you hear about the new burger at McDonald's, the McJackson?It's 45-year-old meat inbetween 13-year-old buns.
One day, a mother was getting ready to bake some cookies. Accidentally, she had knocked her son's air gun pellets into the cookie dough. Later that day, her 5-year-old girl came up to her looking distraught. "Mommy! Mommy! Something bad happened" she said. "What happened?" the mother replied. "When I went to pee, a pellet came out!" was the answer. The mother thought long and hard, but then remembered the accident. "Sweetheart," she said, "Mommy accidentally spilled some pellets in the cookie dough, it's okay. You'll be just fine." Relieved, the little girl went on her way. A few minutes later, her 9-year-old girl came running up to her. "Mommy! Mommy! Something's wrong!" she said. "What's the matter, sweetie?" the mom replied. "I just went into the bathroom to pee, and a pellet came out!" the child exclaimed. The mother then explained the same thing to her that she did to the 5-year-old, assuring her all was well. About an hour later, her 13-year-old son came running up to her, white as a ghost. "Uh... Mom..." he started. "Let me guess," the mother interrupted, "you went to pee and a pellet came out, right?" The boy shook his head and replied "No. I was in the back yard jacking off and well... I think I shot the dog!"
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PantherRacer
- Posts: 9408
- Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2004 1:32 pm
- Car: 1992 Nissan Skyline R32 RB20DET Sedan
- Location: The Moorish Throne of Atlantis
- Contact:
Re: (Sil40_Mayhem)
WAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
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clever240sx
- Posts: 1900
- Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2005 3:38 pm
- Car: Nissan 240sx
Re: (PantherRacer)
Well i figured i better put in a good joke------------
This widow needed some help on her ranch. She interviewed 2 guys. One was a old drunk ***. The other was a gay. She didnt want the drunks so she hired the gay. 3 months later the widow said to the gay "you have been working good for the past 3 months, you deserve a night off".
So he went out and partied with his f***...........
That night he came home and he saw the widow sitting in the chair drinking some wine. She saw him walk by and she told him to come to her.
She said "hey can you do a favor for me?"
He said "yeah sure?!"
Widow: Take off my shirt
Gay: So he did....
Widow: Take off my pants
Gay: so he did...
Widow: Take off my socks
Gay: so he did....
Widow: Take off my bra and panties
Gay: So he did.
The Widow now said " THEN NEXT TIME YOU WEAR MY CLOTHES OUT IN PUBLIC AGAIN, YOU ARE FIRED!!"
This widow needed some help on her ranch. She interviewed 2 guys. One was a old drunk ***. The other was a gay. She didnt want the drunks so she hired the gay. 3 months later the widow said to the gay "you have been working good for the past 3 months, you deserve a night off".
So he went out and partied with his f***...........
That night he came home and he saw the widow sitting in the chair drinking some wine. She saw him walk by and she told him to come to her.
She said "hey can you do a favor for me?"
He said "yeah sure?!"
Widow: Take off my shirt
Gay: So he did....
Widow: Take off my pants
Gay: so he did...
Widow: Take off my socks
Gay: so he did....
Widow: Take off my bra and panties
Gay: So he did.
The Widow now said " THEN NEXT TIME YOU WEAR MY CLOTHES OUT IN PUBLIC AGAIN, YOU ARE FIRED!!"
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ddgsxr504
- Posts: 6024
- Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 5:50 pm
- Car: 1995 Nissan 240SX SE 2007 Infinit M35 Sport 2011 Nissan Pathfinder Silver Edition
- Location: The real SoCal
Re: (clever240sx)
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you F***ING B***H!'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pu**y, and their b****. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pu**y?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pu**y." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pu**y?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pu**y!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?"The dad then replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it?."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leaving the p0ker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone.""You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, hop into bed, rub my hand on my wife’s @ss, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between your d!ck and your paycheck??
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pu**y, and their b****. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pu**y?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pu**y." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pu**y?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pu**y!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?"The dad then replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it?."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leaving the p0ker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone.""You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, hop into bed, rub my hand on my wife’s @ss, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between your d!ck and your paycheck??
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
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Bubba1
- Moderator
- Posts: 16082
- Joined: Wed Oct 30, 2002 1:42 pm
- Car: 2003 Nissan 350z
2024 Honda HR-V
2008 Toyota Corolla S
2001 Toyota Avalon XLS
Re: (ddgsxr504)
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years.ddgsxr504 wrote: