For the DIY'er: Tools and their definitions.

[Buzzman]

> > DRILL PRESS:> > A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar> > stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings> > your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you> > had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.> >> > WIRE WHEEL:> > Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the> > workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and> > hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,> > "Oh, s***!"> >> > SKILL SAW:> > A portable cutting tool used to make 2 by 4 studs too short.> >> > PLIERS:> > Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of> > blood-blisters.> >> > BELT SANDER:> > An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs> > into major refinishing jobs.> >> > HACKSAW:> > One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle> > ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and> > the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your> > future becomes.> >> > VISE-GRIPS:> > Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If> > nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense> > welding heat to the palm of your hand.> >> > OXYACETYLENE TORCH:> > Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop> > on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of> > which you want to remove a bearing.> >> > TABLE SAW:> > A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles> > for testing wall integrity.> >> > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:> > Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed> > your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.> >> > BAND SAW:> > A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut> > good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the> > trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside> > edge.> >> > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:> > A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot> > to disconnect.> >> > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:> > Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening> > old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but> > can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.> >> > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:> > A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common> > slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.> >> > PRY BAR:> > A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you> > needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.> >> > HOSE CUTTER:> > A tool used to make hoses too short.> >> > HAMMER:> > Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used > > as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to > > the object we are trying to hit.> >> > UTILITY KNIFE:> > Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons> > delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such> > as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector> > magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful> > for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.> >> > SON OF A b**** TOOL:> > Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling,> > "Son of a b****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the> > next tool that you will need.

[gmac708]

lolvery true!

[Otto.]

[krazydriver]

> > WIRE WHEEL:> > Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the> > workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and> > hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,> > "Oh, s***!"

This is a lie....

It's about half that time.

[asoomal]

LOL @ the prybar onee

[troskinatior]

> > SON OF A b**** TOOL:> > Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling,> > "Son of a b****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the> > next tool that you will need.

i use this tool alot
Modified by troskinatior at 4:12 PM 11/22/2009

[E7-S14]

lulz

[IanS]

Repost, but still funny.

[sldewyz]

absolutely hillarious. had me in tears.