Bad jokes. Aww that's not right.

[Looneybomber]

Whats the only positive thing about the ghetto? HIV.

[Looneybomber]

I learned a few things during my Grandmas open heart surgery....

For example the pulminary valve is tighter than her a**!

[Looneybomber]

"What kind of films do you like?" I asked a girl at the bar.
She leaned in close and said, "I just love romantic comedies."
I said, "You're not going to believe this but...."
"You love them too?" she asked, excited
"f*** no!... I was going to say your breath smells exactly like the s*** I had this morning."

[Looneybomber]

What's worse than shoving 12 raw oysters up your grandma's vag, and sucking them out?
Putting 12 in and sucking out 13.

[Looneybomber]

guy calls the cops and says "hey i think my wide is dead"
cop says "how do you know?"
guy says "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up"

[Looneybomber]

What's the collective noun for a group of Afghan children ?
According to this American dictionary it's "collateral".

[Looneybomber]

I finally confided in the doctor. "Doc," I said. "I have this irresistible urge to come in my daughter's face."
"For f***'s sake, Mr Smith," he said, "I've told you: you're only here to identify the body."

[Looneybomber]

I called off tonight's p0ker game after my mate turned up with a deck of cards made from human feces.
Can't deal with that s***.

[Looneybomber]

My wife developed breast cancer and told me her doctor suggested a double mastectomy, so I went online to see if there was any alternative.
Melissa, 25, from Kansas City looks like a good one.

[Bubba1]

Things doctors hear during a colonoscopy:

"Take it easy doc, you're boldly going where no one has gone before"
"You know, In Arkansas, we're now legally married"
"Now I know how a muppet feels"
"if you're hand doesn't fit, you must quit"
"Were you once an executive at Enron?"
"I usually don't do this on a first date"
"Can you please write a note to my wife that, in your medical opinion, my head is not up there?"

[Bubba1]

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful churchgoer and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

[themadscientist]

A guy was walking along the beach when he came across a girl laying on a towel. She had no arms and legs and she was crying.

He asked "what's wrong?"

She said "I just want to be ****ed, but with my condition no man will. I'm so sad. Please **** me."

The man resisted, "oh, I couldn't do that."

"please" she said "it's all I want."

His heart went out to her, "ok" he said.

He picked her up and kissed her tenderly. Then, he threw her in the water and said "now you're ****ed."

[WDRacing]

Why don't San Francisco Cheerleaders where skirts?
When they do, their balls hang out.

Why do Nipples have bumps on them?
It's Braile for "Lick Here"

Did you hear about Divorce Barbie?
It comes with all of Ken's s***.

How can you tell if your sperm count is high?
If a woman has to chew before she swallows.

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the
sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming
towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards
him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy.
He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the
great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor,
the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from
above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the
voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon Me
when you do not believe in Me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies,
"Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark?
Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back
into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move
once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark
start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops
and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast
closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord
for this food for which I am about to receive..."

[krash]

Why was Hellen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman.

[danshaz82]

whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

the wheelchair

[Xdisaster240sX]

Did you hear about the two car pile-up Mexico?
200 people died.

[Xdisaster240sX]

I would tell a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me...

[Xdisaster240sX]

This is a JOKE...If you dont like it read past it.

Q: What do you cal a gay in a sleeping bag?
A: A fruit roll-up

I lol'd at this and my wife looked at me funny.

[s0m3th1ngAZ]

Hope I don't get banned for these...

what do you call a 6 year old with no friends?
a sandy hook survivor

I asked the bartender to make me a "Sandy", he asked what's in it, "it's just a watered down Manhattan"

What has 3 heads 17 arms and 12 legs?
The boston marathon's finish line.

[alms24sebring]

Whats the most confusing day in Harlem?
Fathers Day.

[Looneybomber]

What's covered in paint and bad for kids?

Ralph Harris.


What do you NOT wanna call a black person that starts with N and ends with R
.
.
.
Neighbor...

[Looneybomber]

A cop walks up on two wino's laying in a ditch, he notices that one has finger up the other ones a**
He says "woah, wtf are you doing?"
Wino says, "my friend is real drunk. I am trying to help him throw up."
Cop says "that's not how you make him throw up!"
"well when I pull my finger out of his a** and put it in his mouth he will!"

[Looneybomber]

[PapaSmurf2k3]

^HAHAH!

[WDRacing]

Love the last batch LB! The neighbor one gave me a solid LOL. I'll be repeating that one.

[sx moneypit]

[float_6969]

LOL, too funny. So wrong. Don't care.

[Looneybomber]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her and we had sex over and over again - all the positions, everything."

His friend replies, "That's great. Did you get a blow job?"

"Oh, no, I never found her head. "

[Looneybomber]

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

[Looneybomber]

Breaking up with my Japanese girlfriend was a nightmare...

I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message!




How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room because it's black