Bad jokes. Aww that's not right.

[alms24sebring]

Whats worse than throwing a baby in the air?

Swingin at it with a shovel before hitting the ground.

[alms24sebring]

Whats black on the top and white on the bottom?
Rape.


What do you call a black a guy in a cop car?
A cop, you racist.

[NolimitZ32]

Whats pink, red, silver & runs into walls?
A baby with forks in it's eyes.

How many babies does it take to paint a room?
depends on how hard you throw them.

[Looneybomber]

Speaking of dead baby jokes, I heard this in basic. A fellow airman told this to one of our MTI's.

How many spins in the microwave does it take to kill a baby?

I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

[NolimitZ32]

That's along the lines of

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender
An erectlon.

[alms24sebring]

Whats faster than a speeding bullet?
A jew with a coupon.

Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.

[Oatmealman]

So a child molester and a kid are walking down a dark quite forest road, The kid looks up at the child molester and says"boy this road sure is scary".The child molester looks back and says "shut up I have to walk back alone"


This one is quite disgusting so if you don't have a very twisted sense of humor do NOT read

Whats the worst part about eating bald snatch?

Putting the diaper back on.

A guy at work told me the last one and I just was like WTF? your head is screwed up.

[Looneybomber]

In a recent survey it was found 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[Looneybomber]

Did you hear about the new website where you can formally bid on suspected terrorists and, if you win, you get to decide how they are tortured and punished?

It's called Guantanamo eBay.
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How many Jews can you fit In a car?

2 in the back and the rest in the ash tray.
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How many Europeans does it take to win a war?


America.

[Looneybomber]

What's the first thing a battered wife does after returning home from the shelter?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.


How many husbands does it take to change the ktchen light bulb?
None, she can do the dishes in the dark.


What's the only thing your wife should wear out?
The carpet between the ktchen and the bedroom.

[AZ89two4Tsx]

Two guys and a girl are stranded on a deserted island.

After a week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the two guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they bury her.

After another week they are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her back up.

[wannaslide]

this thread provides some funny ones lol .

[krash]

Ever had Somalian food?

Neither have they.

[Apo]

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was disappointing because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

[Looneybomber]

Did you hear about the lady that blew a speaker in her car? She said he was motivational.

[Bubba1]

what's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?


One is a super hero, the other is a command.

[JTR32gtst]

How can a redneck mom tell her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood on her sons pen15...

[Rogue One]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do now... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[Rogue One]

Saying goodbye to mother.

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother. A few minutes later, I get into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b**** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her a** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Rogue One]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call......

[Rogue One]

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us.... In the USA, about 4 years ago, we grabbed a guy from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work.

[Rogue One]

Missing Plane Found!

[Bubba1]

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and then felt horribly guilty about it. No matter how much he tried to forget what he'd done, he couldn't; he was overwhelmed with regret and a sense that he betrayed a patient's trust. Every once on awhile, though, he would hear a reassuring voice in his head telling him, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with a patient, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

Invariably, however, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, "But you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard!"

[Rogue One]