Am I doing the right thing?

[Empty V]

This Post has been edited for content.

[ProudNissanFreak]

Damn man, sorry to hear that. Seems like the arguments are on a regular basis and she hasn't really changed (from what I read). Have you considered going to a counselor with her?

[troskinatior]

That sucks man, she sound stuck up and bitchy. I'd go to a counselor. I hope for the best.

[Empty V]

Thanks guys. We did go to a marriage counselor and she (the counselor) said that my wife needs to grow up and I need to express my feelings better. We went to about 10 sessions and things were better. But, after we stopped going it started going south again. I can't afford $150/week to have someone teach us how to argue and if going to a counselor is the only way to sustain the relationship then it probably won't stand on it's own.

[ProudNissanFreak]

I see. Yeah, you really can't keep going to a counselor, the bill racks up quickly, especially if she's going back to her old ways when you stop going. Seems that you've done what you can to try and get her to see what's going on. If she's always getting defensive about every little thing (even cleaning up after one's self), that's a little childish, no offense. She's really gotta step things up for herself, which includes personal goals as well as doing her fair share of "work" in a relationship. I guess you could try to have a serious talk with her one more time, and if it's not going to get anywhere, do what you think is best, even if it's means parting ways. I wish you the best of luck and hope things get better for you.

[tm1218]

Well, everyone argues. There are no two people that will agree on everything. The key is to avoid the triggers of things you dont agree on, both parties of course. I see that there are some things she does that arent very considerate, but there are also things you do that might just bug her. Honestly, you asking about her raise and telling her the minimum wage to take is a little bit controlling. Yes, you are a couple so finances should be discussed together, but ultimately she should have say so with her career. If you dislike her career choices, then you should just call the relationship quits. Same goes the other way around, if she doesnt like your career choices, then she should call it quits, because your career is your choice alone. I can understand negotiating spending and financial responsibility, but giving someone guidelines for their career is a bit controlling. Dont get me wrong though, most of the stuff you listed are things she could be more considerate about and try to give a little. If you want to travel, I dont see why she cant give and do some things you want to do every once in awhile. Im sure you give and do some things she likes even if you dont really want to. All humans fart and burp, but she needs to learn that its gross to not care and do it wherever.

I will say, im sure there are tons of other things she does that you dislike, but the majority of things you listed had to do with money. Yes, you need money to live, and you have to work in order to play... but at the end of the day, there are more important things. If you really love her, dont let money issues get in the way of that. Some people have spending problems or financial priorities mixed up, but those are things that can be worked out.

You BOTH just have to remember, some things are supposed to be a joint decision in a relationship, but there are also things that one side alone should have say so on. Just avoid disputes about a personal choice that someone has a right over. If you dont like it, dont criticize it, just end the relationship if its that big a deal to you. The things that should be decided as a couple, those are ok to negotiate on and share your opinion.

Here are your choices...

A) If you really love her, sit her down and tell her that you want to work things out because the relationship is in jeopardy. (obviously this will require effort from both parties, so if she doesnt do her part she is not worth the effort, especially after you have given her a second chance)

B) If you just kind of love her but its not that big of a deal, call it quits without putting in the effort to work things out.

If you choose option A, let her read this post. When she sees that you shared it with others because you really were on the fence about breaking up, she will have more understanding and in return put in more effort to work things out.

Good luck, and remember... some things are worth fighting for, and some arent. It just depends on how bad you want something. Never give up on something you care about/want badly, because sometimes you dont get a second chance.

[zach-Ka]

You can't change anyone. From your story it sounds like your almost miserable. And she obviously doesn't know how to constructively argue if every-time an issue rises she storms out and goes to her mothers only to talk trash (most likely). From one point of view, you have too much invested to just give up, but from another your too young to spend another three years hoping for it to get better when you could find a person that will suit you better, and really begin to enjoy your life.

[breadbox]

Yeah I guessing if she sees this It'll be the same old BS. People grow apart. She obviously wants to be like her mother. Very common it seems even if she bishez about her mother she will be just like her.

You got the goods, son.

If she doesn't want to be deserving of getting the goods. Then that represents that idea she doesn't want it. Because "I haven't had to work this hard for your love before. That means I don't have to."

She's lazy bro. If my chick tried to leave me with conditions, I'd certainly entertain them. If she won't do this then you need to remind her of her vows. "Til death do us part, And your body is killing me." Then lay in with the ugly and fat jokes because she said she would do this, as a reward to you both as a gift to each other. BUT NO. She got lazy. She has Excuses that don't amount. Its Time. Burn that lower case t on the lawn it Time to leave, yo.(SOuth park reference, not meant to be racist in any way, for those of you sensitive types) Legal disclaimers are ghey.

[skydragoness]

*She was on birth control for 7 years, suddenly stopped taking it and refuses to get back on it after telling me a month ago that she would. Neither of us wants kids right now and I’m not going to have sex with my wife while wearing a condom, that’s insane IMO.

As someone that's used it for 3-4 yrs. It increases estrogen production and could be one of the many many reasons why she flips out a lot. I stopped using it because I didn't feel like myself and it was causing me health issues. Her fluctuating blood sugar probably has something to do with it too. Speculating.

Personally, and from what I've seen amongst friends, etc. People shouldn't think about getting married until they're 30. There's always two sides to every story but from what you've written; it seems she is still very immature.

She'll probably fight you on this, but go see a marriage counselor. Now. Even if it doesn't work out, or if she refuses to go with you.. go see one. It will do you a world of good and has done the same for my friends.

[S13_love]

From your story it sounds like your almost miserable.

I was about to say the same exact thing.

[breadbox]

See a counselor again? HE did that, the counselor said she should grow up.

[Oatmealman]

leave the bish plain and simple.You put the effort in and got no change or anymore effort out of it so f*** the girl.It baffles me how so many people will put up with crap for so long.I think what you did was right.If either one of the parties in a relationship is unhappy it's clearly not working right,and if you can't talk and make it better yourself it's not gonna get better.

[Jesda]

This is all way too familiar -- I have now-divorced or very-soon-to-be divorced friends who went through the same misery almost down to the exact detail. I never get this far in as I'm typically the one who abandons ship when I see the titanic approaching an iceberg.

Maturity isn't something you can counsel away. Partnership requires the active participation of both parties, and she clearly had different expectations and ideas of what her role was in a marriage, possibly due to parental influences.

If the goals and responsibilities aren't shared, the partnership is dead. She might change later on, but it likely won't be until she's alone and figuring out life by herself.

[Urabus GodofTraction]

So for our new year’s resolution we said we’re going to get in shape and go on our honeymoon(3 years late). I bought us tickets to Puerto Rico and signed up with a CrossFit affiliate (which is kind of like a gym) and she was going to start running and working out in the gym at our apt complex. She made a calendar so she could cross off the days she’s worked out. 3 months later she tore the calendar down because she had only crossed out 3 days. Since then I’ve lost 34lbs and she’s gained 5-10.

I’ve changed my diet significantly and have tried everything I could think of to get her to eat healthy and she refuses to.

I'm sure she's enormously envious of your betterment. And envy is certainly a slayer of relationships.

I think, sadly, your marriage is over. But I'm not exactly Dr. Phil.

[alms24sebring]

Next time ur there, just take a giant leap of faith off the deck

j/k
I hear you man. Some of that stuff is stupid to be bitching about and the fact that she does not throw in anything is a problem. I would think about it long and hard, but if you cant live with that forever, don't.

I have a friend who had a kid within 6 months and married before the 1st year i think. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVAAAR. She is 1234567890% bithier than ur girl, I mean damn! She is messed up in the head and I told him to think about what he is doing, but no. She got disgustingly fat at one point and now they wont even fudge, even falletio one another mainlt bc he hates her. They spend $$ all the time on dumb stuff and trade in brand new cars every 6 mo. He says he hates it and I knew he would, I told him, everyone did. She is the most outragous BICTH I know. I mean yelling at the top of her lungs about something dumb in front of a crowd of people, anywhere, not giving a F.. how embarassing. I kinda feel sorry for him now, but he is an idiot.

Some other friends are telling him to dump that fat whore, which he should have yesterday, but I dont think he can do it bc of the kid/cars/house, which he never should've gotten in the first place!

Anyways not to get off track, you must know that all women b**** throughout life, but getting out of hand all the time is a disaster to everyone. I dont know her but I would be stern about bills and tell her straight up w no fear, what you need from her. Yell above her and/or stare at her w the angry face in the eyes (works for me). If no change in a matter of a couple months, you gatta do what you gatta do. My POV, dont suffer if u dont have to

[krimsonviper]

Doesn't seem like your relationship isn't advancing, so I would have moved on, but unfortunately you're married. I don't believe in divorce. I also don't believe anything should be forced on a person.

It honestly sounds like you're stuck in a rut, and if she won't pick up the other end man, then you got the right to be a little angry. If she doesn't like it, well tough cookies for her. I say return what she's giving you. That's how I am towards everyone.

[nissangirl74]

My Dad always told me to lead by example. Here's my story.
*Don't do this part*
I met my ex-husband in high school. Because of my love for him, I walked away from everything I had been taught and everything that made good sense. This includes my family and a free education. I dropped out of college at 19 and moved in with him. At 20, I found out I was pregnant and had my daughter on my 21st birthday. When I found out I was pregnant, I stopped partying, drinking, and smoking, started making some plans for the baby and the future. I realized that one of us had to grow up and I realized it probably wasn't going to be him. Things never really were the same after she was born except for the drinking got worse and we had less money. We got married when she was 2 1/2, me stupidly thinking that it would bring us closer together. It didn't. I fought for a total of 15 years. Yeah, 15. Over half my adult life at the time. He came home drunk one night, decided to pick a fight and told me to pack my s*** and leave. I told him I wasn't going anywhere at 1AM. He told me to be out by the end of the week. I had an apartment by the time he got home the next afternoon. My Independence Day was July 17, 2006.

I spared you all the really gory details because they really aren't important. What is really important is this. You do not have to be unhappy. It's OK to walk away from a bad situation. You don't have to fight for this marriage if she isn't willing to put forth any effort. She obviously has a lot of issues and it doesn't seem like she is in any rush to address them.

*Do this part*
Go find an apartment, file the papers, have your mail forwarded to a PO box and change your number. By a 240 and mod the s*** out of it! Seriously though, Life really is too short. I hate that this has happened, but I would hate even worse for you to drudge this thread back up in a year and post that things haven't gotten any better and you are even more miserable. Best of luck to you.

[ADDirishboy]

It sucks to hear that your marriage is doing so poorly. As much as I hate suggesting it, I think you need to cut your losses and let her go.

It sounds like you have done most everything in your power to try and salvage your marriage. But sadly, it seems to me that she is not interested in putting forth the effort to make this marriage work. She is getting snippy at small things, and putting you down when you don't deserve it. It seems that whatever you try, she throws it back in your face and worsens the already bad situation.

I say let her go. Is that an easy thing to do? Not in the slightest. But she is bringing you down and you deserve happiness. In the end though, it's your choice. You should make whatever decision you think is best. I jus don't think there is very much, if anything, that you can do at this point to save your marriage.

Best of luck to you buddy. I hope whatever decision you make brings you happiness.

[LEMHEAD16]

Ditch the b****, Go to Mexico, Get drunk-as-fack-as, lay some sweet latina's and never look back. Life's to short to be in a relationship that you have to try that hard at. You living in a friends with benefits kind of deal, not a marriage.

[krimsonviper]

Also, we are only hearing one side of the story. Just something to consider.

[Jesda]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MC6jbGzsNPY[/youtube]

[krash]

IMO man, a marriage shouldn't be bringing you the stress that it is. Its not going to be all daisies, but it shouldn't be the way yours is. I think you're doing the right thing. Shes hurt by her dad's death and is using it as a tool to solicit extreme dependence on people. Just get out of there QUICK man. You'll find someone better.

Also, congrats on losing 34 pounds

[skydragoness]

See a counselor again? HE did that, the counselor said she should grow up.

Oops! My bad. I did not see his post about 10 sessions. HOLY CRAP. Yeah she's a lost cause. I'm shocked she even went with you because as of right now someone I know is having problems with his wife of 18 yrs and she refuses to go to therapy. I feel like she was planning a divorce long before he knew what was up.


Well then. Leave her. Like Becky said, life is too short to be miserable for so long. You are doing the right thing; you tried your best now it's time to walk away.
Silver lining: at least you didn't have kids with her!!

[Dire91]

Like most others are saying I would move on. Yes you need to consider the fact you have been through a lot together but is that worth being miserable for the rest of your life?

Shes hurt by her dad's death and is using it as a tool to solicit extreme dependence on people. Just get out of there QUICK man. You'll find someone better.

Krash pretty much said it all, unless major change is made I wouldn't stick around. No matter what there is always someone better or just as good out there.

[4cefed]

No kids yet?

f*** RUN!!!!

Seriously though. You two are in your mid-20s? Sounds like she's not mature enough to handle life. I've had enough friends that were in these Jekyll and Hyde relationships, they don't end well. You've tried and put in the work, sorry to say, but as long as you are being accurate, I don't think it's mean to be. You might be able to keep things together, but at what cost?

My wife and I had our daughter when she was 19 and I was 25. Almost two years later we were married. I have to be honest and say that at time I didn't think we would make it. We would have terrible arguments over nothing but we were quick to make up. Over the last few years I took a look at my life and realized what a good thing we had. We were meant to be on many levels. I was trying to cling to my former life too much and I had to let go of a lot of things. At the same time, she matured a lot also, and I have to say I think we will be together forever.

I think my wife and I may be the exception, I don't think things always work out for the better. We are now focused on goals and careers. I'm 33 now and I can't wait to see what the future brings instead of being afraid of it.

But at your stage, if there are no kids, GET OUT. "Accidents" happen, just try to picture her as a mother and see if you think things will be better or worse.

[PoorManQ45]

As much as we argue on here, you seem like an awesome person. I don't believe anyone should be forced to stay in an unhappy situation.

If your wife is unwilling to work on the issues then it is time to consider your options.

I do like the idea of showing her this thread. Hopefully it will show her that you are very serious, and not simply "set her off".

I do believe that you should try whatever means you can to make it work though. If money is an issue now, think about alimony

What may help is to move away from her mother. That just seems like a bad situation there.

You mentioned that her father made it so that the other family members did not have to do much. Could that be the reason for her immaturity? You also mentioned that she doesn't like to clean up after herself. She has probably been completely cared for her entire life while living with her parents. She probably had no obligations. She was never taught to maintain herself and her surroundings.

[PoorManQ45]

Oh, and just to lighten the mood a little and remind you there are options:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE[/youtube]

[Empty V]

Also, we are only hearing one side of the story. Just something to consider.

You're right and I'm sure her side makes some sense, I just don't understand it.

Thanks for the advice guys and gals. Well we met Friday night and talked and pretty much confirmed it's over. Yesterday she kept texting me about how miserable she is and how she feels sick and is in pain. Then last night texted me asking me to call her, so I broke down because of her guilt trip. I decided to give her one more chance but it was conditional. We both have to try harder. We're both guilty of not putting forth the effort it takes in order to make our clashing personalities work.

This is relevant I promise
For Valentines Day about 5 years ago she made this awesome booklet that had coupons in it for things like movie of my choice, dinner on the town, whip cream party, erotic massage, one night of video games together and so on. Whenever I tried to redeem these "coupons of hope," she would reject them. When I looked at these the other night it really enraged me and helped reinforce my decision. One of the conditions I set forth was that she would have to go through one coupon everyday until they're all gone. The reason why I chose this is because they sound like fun, they are all activities that we would be forced to do together and bring us closer. The other condition was that she'd have to get a passport and the 2 of us would start taking mini vacations to Baja. Apparently she thought that my intentions were to bring her down with my parents every single time which is total s***. Well I decided to drive back tonight instead of tomorrow because I was getting text messages this morning that said she wants to see me so bad she'll drive 3 hours to Baja. Basically stating that she'll do anything to see me. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance for the 12th time right? I already had plans up until about noon tomorrow. I told her this while driving home and she started arguing again. I got home 3 hours later expecting to see her here and of course she's still at her moms. We had agreed that she'll go apply for her passport ASAP. She has Tuesday off so I asked her if she's going to go submit the app and again we argues because apparently I'm trying to control her. So much for putting forth an effort eh?

BTW PMQ I always thought you were a good kid and all of the bickering was interweb fun.

Also, if I showed her this thread she would get PISSED! So yeah, she's way to loose of a cannon.

[PoorManQ45]

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance for the 12th time right?

I lolled at this one

Honestly, I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders and are willing to do what it takes to be happy, but for some reason this thread reminds me of Nala.

[Urabus GodofTraction]

My money's on her not changing. Sorry.