Words of wisdom by: Andy Rooney
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Zydeco
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Words of wisdom by: Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney> >> > On Ads In Bills:> > Have you ever noticed that they put> > advertisements in with your bills now?> > Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have> > to stuff junk mail in there with them.> > I get back at them. I put garbage in with> > my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds,> > banana peels...I write, Could you throw this> > away for me? Thank You.> >> > On Fabric Softener:> > My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew> > what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women> > coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off).> > That's how they mark their territory. You> > can take off the ring, but its hard to get that> > April fresh scent out of your clothes.> >> > On Cripes:> > My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice> > people there. Very wholesome. They use> > words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who> > would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh> > of the church of Holy Moly?> > I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna> > burn in Heck?> >> > On Morning Differences:> > Men and women are different in the morning.> > The men wake up aroused in the morning. We> > can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.> > And the women are thinking, How can he want> > me the way I look in the morning?> > Its because we cant see you. We have no> > blood anywhere near our optic nerve.> >> > On Pregnancy:> > Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby> > kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking.> > Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward> > reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask> > someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that> > when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your> > hand...It wont be long now...> >> > On Grandma:> > My grandmother has a bumper sticker on> > her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen.> > You don't want to think of your grandmother> > that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.> > Makes you wonder where she got that dollar> > she gave you for your birthday.> >> > On Prisons:> > Did you know that it costs forty-thousand> > dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez,> > for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few> > prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles.> > I already have bars on the windows.> > I don't think we should give free room and board> > to criminals. I think they should have to run> > twelve hours a day on a treadmill and> > generate electricity. And if they don't want to run,> > they can rest in the chair that's hooked up> > to the generator.> >> > On Award Shows:> > Can you believe how many award shows they> > have now? They have awards for commercials.> > The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials.> > I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the> > whole thing.> >> > On Phone-In-Polls:> > You know those shows where people call in and> > vote on different issues? Did you ever notice> > There's always like 18% that say I don't know.> > It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...> > They're voting I don't know.> > Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the> > phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!> > (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have> > to stand up for what you believe you're not sure> > about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for> > $2.95 to say I'm not in the mood.> >> > On Answering Machines:> > Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive> > messages on someone's answering machine?> > Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right> > now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day> > is Share the love. Beep.> > Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....> > Speaking of being positive, your> > test is back. Stop sharing the love.> >>>
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dr!ft
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Here's a few more...
"I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies."
"Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."
"I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them."
"Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."
"It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say 'NO!' "
"I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door."
"I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies."
"Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."
"I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them."
"Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."
"It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say 'NO!' "
"I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door."
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dr!ft
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Just a few more for good measure... 
"I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you."
"We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations."
"I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is."
"I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you."
"We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations."
"I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is."