Things You'd Love to Say at Work, but Can't

[Zydeco]

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.3. How about never? Is never good for you?4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?24. Do I look like a people person?25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

[vicki]

Funny not found.

[cosmo]

**** off!

[UncleBen]

I deal with the public, so therefore I want to tell each and everyone of them to screw themselves and go to McDonalds. But, some of them are nice and I like them, so I wouldn't say it to them as easily, but I still would.

Now the d!cks, I would tell them to **** themselves and to get out of my face, or I will spit in their precious subway sandwich.

[Axel Grungy]

ya dont like it??!! then get the **** out!!

[MidwayParts]

[skydragoness]

I work at a pet supply store in a richy-rich section of DE

Oh the stuff i would say:

1. You look young enough, carry your own bag!2. (to the people who come up to the counter and ask me to fetch sh*t for them) YOU THINK WE RUN A COUNTER SERVICE HERE? I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE IT IS!3. YOUR'E NOT HANDICAPPED SO DON'T PARK IN THAT SPACE!4. THIS ISN'T A PICK UP/DROP OFF LANE, IT'S A FIRE LANE. MOVE YOUR F**KIN CAR AWAY FROM THE ENTRANCE!!5. (to the people who don't acknowledge my greeting and blurt out their phone #'s to me--we have a frequent buyer system) WELL GOOD AFTERNOON TO YOU TOO!6. IF YOU DON'T WANT MY HELP THEN DON'T ASK ME! (to the people who ask for me help then ignore the answer i give them and then go ask for help from a older employee who in turn says the same DAMN THING I SAID)7. DIE YOU SOB DIE!! (added to the list for flair)

some of the stuff that has actually happened:

1. My manager got pissed that someone parked their Jaguar in front of the entrance, because an old couple was trying to get into the store so they had to go around it. She asked the owner to move the vehicle, which in turn they said 'no.' So filled with rage, my manager took a box of crickets, opened it up, and dumped it thru her open sunroof. 2. Someone came up to the counter, while my manager was at a register, and shouted her phone # out. My manager then replied: "Well good afternoon to you too!" And walked away, the customer suprisingly apologized.

There's more, but i'm getting pissed just thinking about it.

[gabossie]

1. JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY AND LET ME DO IT!!

2. You really are getting to old for all this thinking business

[Ace 2.0]

say to my boss "DO IT YOUR GOD D@MN SELF, B***H!!"

[w1ngzer0]

i already said what you can't say or do. So, i got fired :P. Well it was a gental fire.

But now i work at a better job anyway

[jdmfreak]

I work in the busiest deli department out of the 7 or 8 in my area. There's too many things to list but here's a few.

1) How bout you come back here and cut 2 pounds a damn near paper thin pepperoni/salami!2) Im gonna move at my own pace regarless of how many people are here. If they dont like it then they can get the **** off my line3) Dont you have anything to do on a saturday/sunday(Busiest days) other than to wait 20-45 minutes on a deli line?4) GET THE HELL OUTTA THIS STORE! GO TO THE DAMN A&P OR SOMETHING!!!!(For all the bishez that complain about a buncha nothin)5) This stuff is bad for you anyway so why dont you just turn around and walk away.(For the old people that have no clue).

80% of the customers are nice though. This is the only job that I know of that sucks so much, but you is so fun at the same time. We're always goofin off in front of customers and by ourselves.

Oh and all the guys hope that the next number we call is the hot chick or MILF on line. I always steal em from this kid and I love it.

[SHIFT_Z]

You: I'm not coming into work today...Boss: Why?You: I have a bad case of anal glaucoma...Boss: Oh thats terrible!You: Yep... I just don't see my @ss coming into work today.

[MinisterofDOOM]

I monitor and dispatch for security systems, in both homes and businesses. The homes are not as bad, but there are some businesses that have a daily screw-up schedule. A couple days ago, we got a burglar alarm from some health club. I called in to check on things, and it turns out the regular instructor went on vacation, and had a substitute that day. Unfortunately, he forgot to mention to her the fact that there was an alarm system installed. He also forgot to tell her what the password was. Needless to say, the police, who I ws required by protocol to dispatch, were very unhappy. You wouldn't beleive how many people forget their passwords and then yell at me for not having them on record somewhere.

Or how about the guy who called in to warn us that the fire alarms we were about to receive from him were false. He just couldn't figure out why it kept going off. Then he mentioned that he was both smoking AND painting in the same room as the fire sensor. Wow! You think maybe a sensor that is set off by particles and smoke would go off if, you know, paint fumes or smoke got into it. Well, I would, but aparently this guy didn't.

Sometimes I just want to remind people how stupid they are and how sad it makes me to think that there are people like them repopulating this world.

[Jesda]

I worked in technical support for a while. This is half of a 2hr+ call where the guy just wanted to reset his toolbar on Internet Explorer for the Mac. So if I seem impatient, its because an hour had already gone by! The worst part? He paid for per-incident support ($35) so I couldnt just drop him.

http://q.spilky.com/callfromhell.mp3

[StrangeLove]

**** you Bryce! If you ever hit me with your stupid ****ing hat again, I will ****ing destroy you!

(Its a long story...)

[MainEvent212]

Me: "i cant come to work next tuesday"

Boss: "and why is that?"

Me "cuz next tuesday is prom, and i'll be busy...going to prom and stuff"

Boss: "ok well we're gonna have to make a decision here...either u need to come to work or maybe we should call it quits"

Me: "ok well i'll see u tuesday"

Boss: "i'm glad you changed your mind"

Me: "no, **** you. I'll be there tuesday, have my check ready"

*click*

actually happened, i dont have a job now

[w1ngzer0]

wow burning bridges... how old are u? please say 16-18....

[MainEvent212]

18, i was 17 at the time and the job was awful anyways

7 bucks an hour, i delivered crappy parts to gas stations for 3 hours a day (the shift was only that long) and they gave me **** the entire time. harassed me and such cuz they were old 40+ guys stuck in dead end jobs

[w1ngzer0]

blah. At least you're still a kid. No more doing that even if the job is ****ty ok? I took harrasment for 2 years before i finally quit.

[xyster]

I say whatever I want to the general public at work. It's one of the small pleasures in my current job.

[Mr1der]

most of mine would probably be found as sexual harassment.

damn up tight women...if they don't like it, they can just spread a mean rumor of me having a small pen15 or something...

[jdmfreak]

Rumor?

[base9se]

F*ck this printer, give me that bat so I can beat the sh*t out of this sorry a$$ printer!

I feel like I'm in Office Space.

[Fenvy]

i work at a notebook company with about 40 people

no one messes with me because I'm close with employer, ha!