Things my girlfriend does to hide that she craps

[frapjap]

Awesome post from another board, definitely worth a read if not for a good laugh.




My girlfriend is very candid, open, honest, and confident about everything in life except the art of #2. We recently moved in together, so while I've been respecting her s***, I've also been giggling at all of her attempts to mask the fact that girls poo. Here is a list of the most common techniques, in no particular order:

(1) Waits until she's sure I'm leaving the house, going to bed (night), or staying in bed (morning).
The most standard and secure way for a girl to drop a deuce is to do so in solitary. Sometimes before bed she'll slyly ask a question like "did you notice if we have enough toothpaste while you were brushing your teeth?" or "you don't have your glasses on, did you lose your contact case or is it on the nightstand?" just to see if I'm done going to the bathroom. We usually shower together in the morning (such earth friendly people), so she uses similar sly tactics to make sure I'm actually staying in bed if I tell her I don't have to be into work early.

(2) Pointlessly runs water.
I. Hate. This. So. Much. One of my methods of making her comfortable with the consequences of eating food is to not ever acknowledge that she's in the bathroom, went to the bathroom, or anything involving what goes on in the bathroom. Unfortunately, I cannot stand wasting water. So whenever I'm in the living room and I hear the sink (and yes, even the shower in the middle of the day when she doesn't intend on taking a shower) running at full blast for 5 minutes, I yell to shut the water off. This of course makes her more self conscious because I can hear something, which means I must be able to hear other noises. While being yelled at for "listening" (I'm serious, she actually thinks I have positive-controlled directional hearing that focuses in on toilet splashes) I tried explaining that different noise frequencies travel through the wall easier than others (high frequency water faucet is easier to hear than a deep thunderous assrip), but this made things worse. It only lead to future water running and/or other listed strategies.

(3) Asks me to do something that involves moving far from the bathroom.
No, I don't feel like raking leaves at midnight on a Tuesday.

(4) Turns the TV on very loudly while I'm reading.
If I'm sitting on the couch reading or doing work, I don't need the TV on for white noise. If she's reading next to me and all of a sudden decides to turn on the TV -- loudly --, you can bet your life savings that she's marching to the bathroom about 1 minute later.

(5) Goes in public while directing me not to wait.
Her brain is fascinating. I hate s*** in public because it's nasty, but I think her s*** function is set to minimize boyfriend-shame. Most guys have gone through the wait outside the mall bathroom routine while your girl runs in to pee. Well, she realizes that such a routine forces me into the annoyed-boyfriend-awkward-eyesdown-wall-stand whereby you're waiting for your gf to come out but you don't want to actually make eye contact with every girl that walks out of the bathroom because that's creepy and weird and you're some random dude leaning on the wall outside of a f*** mall bathroom. So instead she sends you off to some store that you're SUPER pumped to go to but you know she'd never go with you. "Hey babe, why don't you go check out that Crafstman laser track 3HP 14" radial arm saw with 30" cross cut and 42" rip cut at Sears, I'll meet you there in a minute?" Sure you will. (ok - in my mind my girfriend knows a lot more about radial arm saws than in real life)

(6) Walks into a different room after leaving the bathroom.
This is a high level technique. I've only recently noticed it and I marveled at it's creativeness and the associated insight into her psyche. This is not intended to hide the fact that she just blew up the bathroom. The intent is to hide the shame of walking out of the bathroom and looking your boyfriend in the eye. In her mind she's created this scenario whereby she opens the bathroom door, a literal hurricane wind of summertime-waste-treatment-plant smell wafts through the apartment, and I'm standing in front of her with her family, boss, a live camera crew and a clipboard of questions from the president about her s***. Some how in a female's mind, walking from the bathroom (head down, quick steps) into another room that she doesn't need to be in and literally won't do anything while she's in it erases all of the s***-shame. It's fascinating. I've literally watched her walk out of a bathroom (head down so as to ensure no eye contact), into a bedroom, turn around, and walk out of the bedroom - head up, confident posture - whilst making some grand statement about something that doesn't involve taking a crap.

--------------------

I have one last thing: a hilarious story. The first time she went to my house she had the standard meet the parents nervousness. The weekend was going great and we were getting ready to go out to dinner with my family. She went upstairs to get a shower. A while later we were downstairs waiting for her and I was thinking "geez, wtf is she doing?" Right about this time she yells down "Hey, can you come here for a moment?" Ummm... sure. So I run upstairs, knock on the bathroom door (it was closed) and she opens it crying. Literal tears. Balling as though she just found out her family was in an airplane crash. I was SUPER freaked out. My stomach flipped, my heart stopped -- I've never seen this girl even more than moderately upset, let alone balling her eyes out. I walked in the bathroom to hug her and ask what was wrong.

Squish. Squish. Squish... wtf??

Look down at 1" of water covering the entire bathroom floor.

She found a way to clog the toilet. In her mind, this had to be the most life altering event that's ever occurred to someone. She frantically flushed and flushed (lol - nooblet) and tried to use the plunger in vain. By this point, she'd f*** it up too much. Water was pouring everywhere. She spent 30-40 minutes, crying in the shower, crying out of the shower, crying while using the plunger, crying while stupidly flushing it over and over again, crying while plotting her suicide. The last step before suicide was to call for me to fix it. It had to take the courage of 1000 lions for her to yell my name. When I realized what had happened, I fixed it, used about 40 towels to mop up the floor, and laughed hysterically every step of the way.

I now have some awesome blackmail material though.


http://www.pocketfives.com/f13/things-m ... ps-609680/

[drksolest]

[Bubba1]

Great find.

One of the reasons it's great to be a guy. Guys rarely care who hears them go number #2. In fact one might hear a guy hum the 1812 overture during a poop with well timed splashes or farts instead of cannon shots.

[RobPaulson]

ROFL wow i missed the part where you said this was from another forum, I was about to tell you to go into comedy writing.

that was eff'n hilarious buwahahaha

[nissangirl74]

[scotty-2-forty]

Good stuff! ... and oh so true! However, #2 (pardon the pun) is more geared toward my girlfriend's teenage daughter. GAWD I hate that! She'll let the freakin' water run for 10 minutes if she has to. I pretty much put an end to it though by pounding on the door each and every time she does this and asking if she needs to see a doctor for her 'runs'.

[Encryptshun]

Wait....girls poop?

[themadscientist]

This scene comes to mind.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdpC2XBuYvg[/youtube]

Reading this to my wife made her visibly nervous, "does he know?"

Yes dear, I know. I still love you and will pretend I don't know.

[scotty-2-forty]

Wait....girls poop?

Yeah, they shart too ... I do the laundry.

[flohtingPoint]

one might hear a guy hum the 1812 overture during a poop with well timed splashes or farts instead of cannon shots.

I do Overture 1928

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNKjuC2kSPs[/youtube]

[Bubba1]

one might hear a guy hum the 1812 overture during a poop with well timed splashes or farts instead of cannon shots.

I do Overture 1928

Wow, I'd have to eat a double sized Taco Bell meal to produce enough for that song.

[AZhitman]

Freakin' hilarity.

Oh, and a big +1 to Jim for the DT reference. Solid.

[Alfador]

This thread won my day.

[Mr1der]

awe...she's shy

joke about it.

she'll get tired of it eventually.

and either move out or just not care anymore.

[King Ranzo]

I think this is the greatest thread I've ever seen. Your girlfriend is f*cking genius.

[jona300zx]

Most guys have gone through the wait outside the mall bathroom routine while your girl runs in to pee. Well, she realizes that such a routine forces me into the annoyed-boyfriend-awkward-eyesdown-wall-stand whereby you're waiting for your gf to come out but you don't want to actually make eye contact with every girl that walks out of the bathroom because that's creepy and weird and you're some random dude leaning on the wall outside of a f**king mall bathroom.


hate that s*** lol

[GrilledCheese33]

That made my night.

[PEZi]

....... rofl!

[kornmanz]

[badbob2121]

thats hilarious

my wife loved it...lol

[Jesda]

Wait....girls poop?

Yeah, but the only thing that comes out is rainbows.

[jona300zx]

Wait....girls poop?

Yeah, but the only thing that comes out is rainbows.

nah they dont poop.... they s***. trust me

[audtatious]

[poems2beats]

One of the reasons it's great to be a guy. Guys rarely care who hears them go number #2. In fact one might hear a guy hum the 1812 overture during a poop with well timed splashes or farts instead of cannon shots.

Pshh, call me a girl but I care... I play music off of my phone or turn on the shower early. I generally poop once a day and that's right before I shower.

[Bmore-coupe]

Wait....girls poop?

Yeah, but the only thing that comes out is rainbows.

Brown rainbows?

[float_6969]

LMAO! Awesome read, thanks for the laugh!

[Bubba1]

[Pshh, call me a girl but I care... I play music off of my phone or turn on the shower early. I generally poop once a day and that's right before I shower.

No, you're not a girl. I care as well, but I'm not as concerned about a natural bodily function. It's not as if I annouce to everyone to brace themselves or yelll "ahhhhhhhh" after a big loud fart or splash. No, I prefer to announce I'm going to vote.

I personally think turning on a radio or running water while pooping draws attention instead of concealing it, but that's just me. If I know there are people within earshot, I simply poop as quietly as possible, and if I ate Mexican food the night before, repair any wall paper that might peel as a result.

[idahotuner]

lol back in highschool the funny thing was that every one took pictures of their s***, and the bigger the s*** the more people recieved it as a pic message. kinda a contest thing haha!

[scotty-2-forty]

Wait....girls poop?

Yeah, but the only thing that comes out is rainbows.

Hmm, I wonder where the pot of gold is?