Ok guys here's the deal: Make a count of all the yes answers to the following questions. This is part 1, part 2 will follow soon.
1. Has your father left your family?Yes, I¡¦m a bastard child.No, I love my daddy even though he touches me.
2. Do you hate old people?Yes, take them to death camps.No, old people are nice and children of God.
3. Are you French or Canadian?Yes, vive le France.No, vive le resistance.
4. Have you ever flipped off an old woman for cutting you off?Yes, and I support euthanasia entirely.No, how rude.
5. Have you ever been in a fistfight?Yes, and I took that f***er down.No, violence isn¡¦t the answer to anything.
6. Do you laugh when foreign dictators are assassinated?Yes, especially when I pull the trigger.No, murder is wrong.
7. Have you ever purposely got ahead of someone in a lane and slowed down just to piss them off?Yes, and I gave them the finger too.No, I don¡¦t pass anyone ƒ¼
8. Do you constantly make fun of fat people?Yes, their fatness makes me feel better about myself.No, no one deserves to be made fun¡Keven if they are a larda$$.
9. Do you make gay or racist jokes?Yes, God hates f*** and did you hear the one about the Jew and the pizza?No, people are all equal and children of God¡Kexcept the French.
10. Did you laugh at Bambi when his mother died?Yes, but I thought that scene could have been a bit more graphic.No, I love animals.
11. Do you hunt?Yes, but not for food or anything¡KI just like to watch them die.No, hunting animals is wrong. I¡¦m a vegetarian.
12. Have you ever farted in church?Yes, loud and proud.No, God doesn¡¦t appreciate such rudeness.
13. Have you ever cussed in church?Yes, but the priest was so f***in boring.No, God would never forgive for such sh*t¡Koops.
14. Have you ever had sexual thoughts in church?Yes,¡Kbut not about the altar boys or anything.No, God¡¦s house isn¡¦t the place for sexual fantasies.
15. Do you think you are better than the majority of your friends?Yes, I let them hang out with me.No, I don¡¦t have any friends.
16. Have you ever gotten drunk as an excuse to get on them?Yes, and that was the worst family reunion I ever went to.No, like get on them? You mean give them something? I don¡¦t get it.
17. Have you ever refused to date someone because they weren¡¦t popular enough?Yes, how dare they threaten my reputation.No, everyone deserves a chance.
18. Do you laugh while watching the special Olympics?Yes, especially when the play ping-pong.No, making fun of people is plain mean.
19. Do you wear a wife-beater?Yes, but only because it makes it easier for me to beat my wife.No, those shirts look ugly.
20. Have you ever done something to someone¡¦s car just because it¡¦s nice than yours?Yes, sorry my dad¡¦s not a doctor.No, I don¡¦t even have a car.
21. Do you think your mom is a *****?Yes, and she¡¦s mean too.No, I¡¦m meeting mommy for lunch. How long does this take?
22. Have you ever pretended to throw a toy for your dog to fetch, only keeping it in your hand, confusing the dog immensely?Yes, dogs are stupid, just like all animals.No, animal cruelty makes me cry.
23. Have you ever dumped someone just because she wouldn¡¦t ¡¥put out¡¦?Yes, that foolish prude didn¡¦t know what she was missing.No, I¡¦m saving myself for marriage.
24. Have you ever masturbated?Yes, but it¡¦s not like I didn¡¦t clean up afterward.No, what¡¦s that?
25. Do you live in a trailer?Yes, I like the mobility in case the cops show.No, I live in my car.
The Bastard Quiz Part 1
26. Do you harm helpless animals for no reason?Yes, burning ants is a cheap yet fun way to entertain myself.No, I don’t hurt any of God’s creations.
27. Have you ever looked at internet pornography?Yes, and thank God for my one-eyed, bald-headed pocket mouse.No, viewing others as objects makes me feel guilty.
28. Have you ever slapped your parents?Yes, but mom was getting on my nerves.No, my parents beat ME up.
29. Do you have more friends than enemies?Yes, they’re just mad cuz I get all the play.No, I’m too nice to be mean to anyone.
30. Do you say the word F U C K at least 5 times a day?Yes, and I’m sick of this f***in quiz.No, my mommy washes my mouth out with soap every day.
31. Do you ever tell sexual lies to your boy/girlfriend?Yes, but only to make me sound like Superman (except the faster than a speeding bullet part).No, I’m saving myself for marriage and honesty is the best policy.
32. Have you ever gotten on someone you just met?Yes, but he said he loved me.No, I don’t meet people. I hate my life.
33. Have you ever refused to give a poor person money?Yes, he would’ve just bought booze with it anyway.No, everyone deserves charity and a second chance.
34. Have you ever cheated on someone?Yes, what do you think I loved the *****.No, I am true to the one I love.35. Have you ever turned someone down for a date because they were ugly?Yes, I shouldn’t have to suffer through years of anguish like they have.No, everyone deserves a chance because they are all children of God.
36. Have you ever lied to someone?No…Yes.No, I never do anything wrong….whoops.
37. Do you think you are better looking than most of your friends?Yes, I get all the action.No, I’m ugly.
38. Are you a vegetarian?Yes, stupid carnivores.No, I’m not gay.
39. Have you ever purposely ruined the end of a movie for someone?Yes, well, the butler DID do it.No, people always ruin them for me.
40. Have you ever taken a dump at a friend’s house and refused to flush?Yes, my crap smells like potpourri.No, pooping is a sin.
Part 3 coming soon...
27. Have you ever looked at internet pornography?Yes, and thank God for my one-eyed, bald-headed pocket mouse.No, viewing others as objects makes me feel guilty.
28. Have you ever slapped your parents?Yes, but mom was getting on my nerves.No, my parents beat ME up.
29. Do you have more friends than enemies?Yes, they’re just mad cuz I get all the play.No, I’m too nice to be mean to anyone.
30. Do you say the word F U C K at least 5 times a day?Yes, and I’m sick of this f***in quiz.No, my mommy washes my mouth out with soap every day.
31. Do you ever tell sexual lies to your boy/girlfriend?Yes, but only to make me sound like Superman (except the faster than a speeding bullet part).No, I’m saving myself for marriage and honesty is the best policy.
32. Have you ever gotten on someone you just met?Yes, but he said he loved me.No, I don’t meet people. I hate my life.
33. Have you ever refused to give a poor person money?Yes, he would’ve just bought booze with it anyway.No, everyone deserves charity and a second chance.
34. Have you ever cheated on someone?Yes, what do you think I loved the *****.No, I am true to the one I love.35. Have you ever turned someone down for a date because they were ugly?Yes, I shouldn’t have to suffer through years of anguish like they have.No, everyone deserves a chance because they are all children of God.
36. Have you ever lied to someone?No…Yes.No, I never do anything wrong….whoops.
37. Do you think you are better looking than most of your friends?Yes, I get all the action.No, I’m ugly.
38. Are you a vegetarian?Yes, stupid carnivores.No, I’m not gay.
39. Have you ever purposely ruined the end of a movie for someone?Yes, well, the butler DID do it.No, people always ruin them for me.
40. Have you ever taken a dump at a friend’s house and refused to flush?Yes, my crap smells like potpourri.No, pooping is a sin.
Part 3 coming soon...
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Stoneage_Turbo
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