some smart people

[Zydeco]

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

> STUPID PEOPLE>> Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport> hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills>> A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in> the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting> beer cans off each other's head>> A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record> showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety> goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's> depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five> workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening> room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches> after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.>> The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,> setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.>> A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by> the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded> the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.>> Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book> about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to> be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in> seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.>> A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later> accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went> out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.> Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to> the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.>> Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a> metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy> machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police> pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't> telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the> suspect confessed.>> When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to> hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to> call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police> and was arrested.>

Date: Wed, 02 Jul 1997 10:23:57 -0400

H.Olsen wrote:

Some more evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine:

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when theclerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the creditcard. She informed me that she could not complete the transactionunless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it wasnecessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signatureI just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front ofher. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on thereceipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The ownerresponded,"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium andlarge." Both cost 99 cents. The kicker came when the customer, arather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guessI'll just have to have the medium then."

Idiots Do Math: A coworker was telling us about her sister who wascoming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sisterwas, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She'shalf as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So I said, "That'sneat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" Mycoworker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it onlyworks on even years."

Idiots and Geography: After interviewing a particularlyshort-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rathermonosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it wasjust south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Advice for Idiots: An actual tip from page 16 of the HP"Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees". "Blink youreyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Idiots in the Neighborhood: I live in a semi-rural area. Werecently had a new neighbor call the local township administrativeoffice to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wantedthem to cross there.

Idiots and Computers: My neighbor works in the operations department inthe central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him whenthey have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from awoman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smokecoming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots Are Easy To Please: I was sitting in my science class, whenthe teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of theyear. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. Iexplained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actualamount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Idiots In Food Services: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell andordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberglettuce.

------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------

CRIMINAL INTELLIGENCE??? If experience is the best teacher, thesecriminals need more experience. These true stories were gleaned frompolice records across the country....

YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shopnervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed fordriving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozencadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. Thejudged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven LewonCrook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,"Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged witha traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose fromthe bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appearbefore this court,"he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table andwrite 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER! A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "alittle bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for aman who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judgereduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE! A lawyer defending a man accused of burglarytried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arminto the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is nothimself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individualfor an offense committed by his limb.""Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence thedefendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistancehe detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[gabossie]

LOL, just a compounded version of the emails that go around all the time, but very ammusing none the less. Stupid people are not a burden to society, they're a confidence booster :pface

[BoyWonder]

Ah, that was great

[Hijacker]

the sad part is that over 50% of the population is like that

[silkk]

haha, funny stuff.

[Mr1der]

the sad part is that over 50% of the population is like that

so true, I blame it on falling on my head way too much.

reminds me of this time I was at the gas station and went in twice because the pump wasn't working...

I didn't flip the lever up:D That was just a day for me to be stupid though, I did something else really dumb that day but I can't remember...

[240Knightrider]

lovin the fake arm one