Parking lot rant: DRIVE FASTER THAN I WALK.

[MinisterofDOOM]

@#$%.

It's really simple: you, stereotypical SUV-or-crossover-driving mom, are in a car. You are capable of going faster than I can walk. If we're in each-other's way, we can REDUCE the amount of inconvenience by one of us getting OUT of the way. You crawling along at 6mph next to me out of some braindead impression of "safety" is not helping anyone. GOOOO. GET OUT OF THE @#$%ING WAY. GO AWAY. GO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE. Take your room temperature IQ and lack of reasoning skills, along with your slack jaw and blank-staring eyes and the rest of your unwanted presence somewhere I am not. Preferably at least 50 miles from anywhere I am ever likely to be.

I know I walk really fast. I have really long legs. I still don't understand how you drive more slowly than me. Or, far more importantly, WHY. STOP IT. STAHP. Just be on your way and in 2 seconds we'll no longer be fighting for the same space.

It's not courteous, and it's not safe. It puts me in the position of trying to figure out how to get OUT of your moron way, despite your continued determination to keep us both in exactly that unwanted position. And if you have to drive more slowly than I can walk to feel safe behind the wheel in a parking lot, you need to surrender your license and keys YESTERDAY.

Yes, I realize parking lots are disasters waiting to happen. Other people just as stupid as you are out there waiting to come flying out of a parking spot without checking their mirrors. Children seem to be on-call 24/7 for opportunities to dart out from behind soccermom-ferrying SUVs and end up right in front of you. But...you know what? You can still drive faster than I walk. Speed is not the prime factor of safety. Not out-driving your AWARENESS is. And so we come full circle. If your awareness is so poor that you have to crawl along sort of awkwardly next to me waiting for me to--Hell, I don't even KNOW what you're waiting for. You want me to run on ahead? Teleport out of the way? Stop and twiddle my thumbs for 10 minutes until you've finally arrived at your destination and stopped inflicting your stupid upon the world? If you're that bad at driving, GTFO from behind the wheel and WALK to the damn store. Or make someone else drive you. Just not your kids, because if they learned to drive from you, I don't want them driving in the same county as me, either.

DRIVE FASTER THAN I WALK. I should not be PASSING cars ON FOOT. WHAT. THE HELL.

That is all.

[Jesda]

Visibility in modern cars is terrible so I expect people to suddenly back out and slam into me.

[PapaSmurf2k3]

I ended up blistering some tire the other day because someone just randomly stopped in the parkinglot. Stopped. No one was getting out of a spot, not blinker on, no traffic coming... they just stopped.

I had to reverse, then my foot *ahem* slipped off the clutch going into first and I *accidentally* burned tire all around them.

It was a strange day. Someone did the same thing at an intersection no more than 3 minutes earlier. They pulled out to the middle, and then just stopped. No one was coming. They then started to just barely creep forward. I was in the middle of the intersection behind them, wondering WTF they were doing. The light turned red, we were still there. Again that pesky clutch slipped in first and second gear and they got to see a smoke show.

[Looneybomber]

Papa: You should get a Ford. My explorer has no problems accelerating gently from a stop and never releases the magic smoke from its tires. You appear to have a faulty vehicle.

[krash]

You need to calm down man

People drive slow, that might add up to another 45 seconds in your parking adventure. So what

[Rev_D21]

These are the same people who say "I need to trade in our Altima for an Armada because we are having a baby and need something bigger." How big of a baby are you planning on having? And bigger isn't safer if you can't see where you are going.

[krash]

These are the same people who say "I need to trade in our Altima for an Armada because we are having a baby and need something bigger." How big of a baby are you planning on having?

[gwoods]

You need to calm down man

People drive slow, that might add up to another 45 seconds in your parking adventure. So what

Kind of where I'm at with your rant, I have 3 tiny kids one of which is 3 and runs full speed everywhere unless I have a tight grip on his wrist. I'm the uncle of 15 other little kids who listen about half as well as my 3. I have youth group I co direct at a non for profit that has 70 kids 2-9 years old in it. In my vast kids experience the odds of them running around in a parking lot is pretty high.

If it takes you a second longer to get out of the parking lot and the soccermom who isn't qualified to drive an SUV doesn't mow down someones kid I'm okay with that.


On the flip of your rant, when I see people flying through parking lots I normally yell SLOW DOWN and throw my hands up at them.

I drive like a jackass 99% of the time, residential area's and parking lots I'm a grandma.

A rant I can get behind and maybe is that SUV's are too big for some drivers who look terrified behind the wheel and can't seem to get into or out of a parking spot without taking 6 or 8 cuts at it. That same soccer mom ideling and braking through your parking lot probably drives 5 under the speed limit and slows down for everything else. Not comfortable in that car and not safe beind its wheel.

[gwoods]

These are the same people who say "I need to trade in our Altima for an Armada because we are having a baby and need something bigger." How big of a baby are you planning on having? And bigger isn't safer if you can't see where you are going.

We went from a Camry - Sequoia after lady rammed my wife and kid while they were sitting at a light. I made her drive a Armada for a month as a rental car to make sure she knew what we were getting into while we settled. People try to get safer cars when they start making da babies. Physics rules accident results period

[Bubba1]

People drive slow, that might add up to another 45 seconds in your parking adventure. So what

^Yep, but I'm confused, you get angry if they drive too slow in the parking lot, and I imagine you'll be equally angry if they drive too fast there. I'm not sure I get why you're angry about the former because the latter seems far worse.

I don't know how crowded parking lots get in the land of MoD, but here in the northeast where parking lots are commonly very busy, driving very slowly in a parking lot, especially tailing a person walking to their car is basic parking strategy 101. Why walk potentially hundreds of extra yards (especially if you intend to purchase a LOT of stuff to carry back to the car), when you could invest 45 seconds minute potentially get someone's spot much closer as they're getting ready to leave. If something that trivial upsets you that much, I think playing a game with them would be better than ranting and spitting bile. If you sense a driver following you like that, you can easily zing them in by dangling your keys while you walk toward your car. Then make an abrupt change in direction to a different row perhaps, where they can't possibly nab your spot.

[Dattebayo]

Moral of the story: if someone drives too slow, too erratic, too un-confidently, pass them. Also, get over it.

[MinisterofDOOM]

I don't know how crowded parking lots get in the land of MoD, but here in the northeast where parking lots are commonly very busy, driving very slowly in a parking lot, especially tailing a person walking to their car is basic parking strategy 101

Parking strategy 101 for me is "Park on the far end of the row." Which then means walking across the lot to the store. Which means having bad drivers "carefully" drive right next to me instead of just passing me and getting on with it. I'm not sure what's "safe" about hanging next to me instead of continuing on down the row and leaving me no longer next to your car.

you get angry if they drive too slow in the parking lot, and I imagine you'll be equally angry if they drive too fast there

Right. Operative word being "too." Meaning EXCESSIVELY. It's entirely possible to not drive too fast OR too slow. I can sure manage it effortlessly. And it's not the speed itself that matters, but the inability to regulate it in relation to your surroundings. Rather than crawling NEXT TO a pedestrian (who is more than likely trying to cross the road your car is obstructing but can't because you're driving EXACTLY the speed they're walking, and who would be safer if you'd just move on and stop being next to them). Try being aware of your surroundings and REACTING TO THEM. That's the issue. Not this:

People drive slow, that might add up to another 45 seconds in your parking adventure. So what

As with most of my rants, it's not the results of the problem that I'm complaining about. It's the underlying ineptitude they signify. The inability to think "Oh, geez, maybe I shouldn't keep my bumper RIGHT behind that pedestrian so they have no idea what I'm doing and have to stop and wait for me to get on my oblivious way." The ability to be AWARE OF WHAT IS AROUND YOU. The one thing 99.99999999999999999999999% of American drivers entirely lack. It shows me that they have no idea what they're doing, or why, and thus have no business driving a car.

Moral of the story: if someone drives too slow, too erratic, too un-confidently, pass them. Also, get over it.

ON FOOT. Not in a car. ON FOOT. If you are driving more slowly than I am walking, the solution is NOT for me to pass you. It's for you to learn to drive.

Kind of where I'm at with your rant, I have 3 tiny kids one of which is 3 and runs full speed everywhere unless I have a tight grip on his wrist. I'm the uncle of 15 other little kids who listen about half as well as my 3. I have youth group I co direct at a non for profit that has 70 kids 2-9 years old in it. In my vast kids experience the odds of them running around in a parking lot is pretty high.

I'm not sure if I'm aware of something the rest of you are missing, but it is--stunningly, shockingly--possible for me to drive at a REASONABLE SPEED without being unsafe! IMAGINE THAT! REASONABLE SPEED. Dodging children by my AWARENESS COMBINED with my brake pedal! Whoda thunk. The answer to children darting out in front of you isn't to drive so slowly that you can stop at any time. It's to be PREPARED FOR THE NEED TO STOP by not being oblivious. And being oblivious is what the subjects of my rant do better than everything.

[PapaSmurf2k3]

The parkinglot in my story had no children in it. If it did, there's some bad parents out there.

So I was either at work, or at the strip club.

[MinisterofDOOM]

So I was either at work, or at the strip club.

Or both? ( )

[gwoods]

Kind of where I'm at with your rant, I have 3 tiny kids one of which is 3 and runs full speed everywhere unless I have a tight grip on his wrist. I'm the uncle of 15 other little kids who listen about half as well as my 3. I have youth group I co direct at a non for profit that has 70 kids 2-9 years old in it. In my vast kids experience the odds of them running around in a parking lot is pretty high.

I'm not sure if I'm aware of something the rest of you are missing, but it is--stunningly, shockingly--possible for me to drive at a REASONABLE SPEED without being unsafe! IMAGINE THAT! REASONABLE SPEED. Dodging children by my AWARENESS COMBINED with my brake pedal! Whoda thunk. The answer to children darting out in front of you isn't to drive so slowly that you can stop at any time. It's to be PREPARED FOR THE NEED TO STOP by not being oblivious. And being oblivious is what the subjects of my rant do better than everything.

I assume that folks on NICO are prehaps the best drivers on the planet most of us LOVE cars and see track time. I get what your saying about you being able to drive faster than a walk. Clearly the person in the SUV couldnt' manage it

[Jesda]

The parkinglot in my story had no children in it. If it did, there's some bad parents out there.

So I was either at work, or at the strip club.

[gwoods]

Papasmurf if majic mike!

[Bubba1]

The parkinglot in my story had no children in it. If it did, there's some bad parents out there.

So I was either at work, or at the strip club.

Parking strategy 101 for me is "Park on the far end of the row." Which then means walking across the lot to the store. Which means having bad drivers "carefully" drive right next to me instead of just passing me and getting on with it. I'm not sure what's "safe" about hanging next to me instead of continuing on down the row and leaving me no longer next to your car.

Evidently MoD parking strategy 101 differs greatly from Parking strategy 101 in this time-obsessed part of the country. Parking at the end of the row is not an option here where the mindset is "he who leads the pack wins" or "he who gets the closest spot to the door wins" , or honk + flip the bird if the driver in front of you doesn't instantly move when the light turns green. No, folks that park at the far end of the row or lot around here are typically either in no rush at all or obsessed about receiving door dings. Reality is, not everyone is as concerned as a typical NICOnaut enthusiast about avoiding door dings. And as Black Friday approaches, when shopping becomes a full contact sport, people are even more likely to seek a better spot near the door than toss in the towel, appease MoD and park in outer Mongolia.

Reading your first post, my first thought was, of the that many scenarios out there, I saw two more likely causes for you being paced by a car in a parking lot. Either they were rolling the dice and hoping you were walking back to your car located in a good spot (so they could grab it) or they were admiring your tush. I suspect if the roles were reversed and you were in a parking lot with a big shopping list and limited time, or you spot Torry (for example) walking along the front row while he was wearing spandex pants and a belly shirt that reads "I heart Lincolns" , you'd follow him slowly too. Admit it.

[skydragoness]

These are the same people who say "I need to trade in our Altima for an Armada because we are having a baby and need something bigger." How big of a baby are you planning on having? And bigger isn't safer if you can't see where you are going.

I never understood this mentality; it's also funny to hear the same people complain about their gas mileage and how hard it is to park three months later...

[MinisterofDOOM]

Evidently MoD parking strategy 101 differs greatly from Parking strategy 101 in this time-obsessed part of the country.

I don't give a damn WHERE they want to park. I just want them to get there in a way that makes sense.

And yes, it does differ greatly from anything at all about a "time-obsessed part of the country." "Time-obsessed" is listed under antonyms for Idaho in the thesaurus. Nobody here has anywhere to be, ever, and if they do they're not in a hurry. The ridiculously low speed limits are mere wishful thinking for the summeriest of good-weather days. Hence my complaint. I'm not sure you realize how slow the "too slow" I'm talking about is. We're talking about speed so low I can idle in third gear and merely lifting off the brake causes me to rocket past them. We're talking about speeds so low I can read the labels on their tires as they pass. And that's on public roads. Get in a parking lot and it's like frozen molasses being poured in an "artistic" slow motion shot. People in this part of the world (a place that makes "BFE" look like a hoppin' joint) work on a different timescale. The word "hurry" has no meaning. But it's more than that. There's nothing deliberate in anything they do. These people don't live, but rather wait for life to happen to them if it maybe feels like it. They have no decisiveness and no intent. So, for someone like me, who never does even the smallest thing casually, I find it very hard to tolerate. I have a destination. I have something to do. I have deliberate intent. I don't have time to put up with the mindless behavior of people who are only vaguely conscious of their own existence.

These are the kind of people who will park their shopping cart (surrounded by children) in the middle of an aisle intersection in the supermarket and stare at you as you try to find a way around them, the idea of moving never even flickering into existence as the merest suggestion of a possibility in their unchallenged minds. The kind of people who will step in front of you as you peruse a row of merchandise and stand there reading their shopping list, not even registering your existence, and then moments later offer an irritated "Excuse us please" as they try to shoulder past you after you've finally given up and decided to move on to something more productive than expecting an ignoramus to use their brain (happened to me just yesterday with a young couple...I could HEAR the pride in the woman's voice as she took command of the situation and stood up for herself and told me to get out of the way--after she had quite literally stepped right between me and the food I had been about to pick off the shelf and just stood there reading a legal-pad-scrawled shopping list).

These are the kinds of people who will defiantly REFUSE to turn right on a red light onto an utterly unoccupied street from an utterly unoccupied street, and who will respond to a courteous tap on the horn with a middle finger or--worse--complete ignorance.

These are the kind of people who think it's okay to cut someone off as long as they signal after they've begun to do so.

The kind of people who come to a complete stop before making a turn on a road with NO INTERSECTIONS.

The kind of people who make 25 mph speed limits, when fully realized, feel like Warp 9.9.

The kind of people who treat traffic circles like 8-way stops.

The kind of people who spend the entire duration of the red light creeping inch-by-inch into the intersection, but then spend the first 5 seconds of the green light remembering where they left the accelerator pedal. You watch, helplessly, behind them, as their brake lights go out, and then wait a seeming eternity before they begin moving forward. Imagine what would happen if they had to operate a CLUTCH PEDAL in the midst of all that moving of feet!!! And a GEARSHIFT LEVER. No wonder the manual trans is dead in America. People can barely operate two-pedal automatics. Paddle shifters? They genuinely scare the Hell out of these people ("I'd be afraid to use it wrong"--NOT AN INVENTED QUOTE).

The kind of people who put their cars IN PARK AT RED LIGHTS because keeping a foot on the brake is too much trouble! (I assume, anyway...I can't fathom any other reason such unbothered people would take extra steps of pressing a release button and moving a lever when they could just not do those things and keep their stupid foot on the brake of their stupid used Pontiac/Buick/Avalon).

The kind of people who have a dash covered in papers and fast food containers and a rear window full of clothes and garbage and whose driving DOESN'T EVER DISLODGE THESE ITEMS FROM THEIR PRECARIOUS PERCHES because they NEVER EVER exceed anything resembling what might approach a reasonable speed and they CERTAINLY don't make any kind of turns without liberal use of the brake pedal regardless of speed or road condition.

The kind of people that justify Top Gear's satirical view of American drivers as not only valid satire but actual reality. It's NOT funny because it's true.

The kind of people who will pull, diagonal, facing in the basic direction they want to enter the road, across an entire driveway and obstruct all other traffic going both ways, and allow a queue of cars to build up behind them without a single thought for courtesy, while trying to turn left across a busy road with a "no left turn sign."

The kind of people who will stop an entire row of traffic so they can turn left across a double-yellow line nowhere near anything resembling an intersection, and then throw a middle finger out the window when someone DARES sound a horn to remind them that there are, in fact, OTHER HUMAN BEINGS wanting to go about their lives.

Utah drivers were so much more tolerable. They were impatient ***holes. Entirely predictable, workable, and tolerable. The solution was simple: just let them pass and they're out of your hair. No need for conflict or any real difficulty. Spend half a second getting out of their way and they're out of yours as well.
Idaho drivers...they make a 4 mile, 7 minute commute seem like HELL in comparison to the 35-mile 40 minute commute I used to have. You can't just step aside and let them go about their business because their business is to not go about ANYTHING AT ALL if it can at all be avoided. The only solution is to become the impatient ***hole who goes blasting past them. And I'm not willing to do that.

All I ask is that people spare me the same consideration I offer them. I ask FAR, FAR too much. I am disappointed hourly.

Fortunately, I get to spend 8 hours a day working with genuine, thoughtful humans, because my employees are amazing. Work is an escape I look forward to. It's the rest of this damn town that drives me to make rants like you find in the OP.

I remind you that not ONE SINGLE ITEM of this post is an exaggeration in even the slightest degree. It's also not a collection of one-time events. It's basically a summary of a particularly stress-free day in Idaho.

This state is dumber than a bag of hammers, and I could not be more glad that our sway over the federal government is effectively null.

[skydragoness]

You should enjoy Philly or NYC then, where you get honked at for acknowledging or obeying road signs and red lights.

Depending on the weather/time of year, it sounds like you'd be better off riding a bike to work?

[Jesda]

Having lived out west for 8 years, I completely agree on UT and ID drivers. It's a different kind of frustration.

[MinisterofDOOM]

Depending on the weather/time of year, it sounds like you'd be better off riding a bike to work?

Bingo. The good news? My new office building is due to be completed in a month and is two blocks from home. Even in -20 January weather I may still walk.

[Bubba1]

MoD, awesome description of your parking situation out there.

[gwoods]

Don't tailgate! Don't you ever tailgate! Do you know how much space is needed to stop a car traveling at 35 miles per hour? Six car lenghts! Six fin' car lengths! That's a hundred and six fn' feet, mister! If I had to stop suddenly, you woulda hit me! I want you to get a fin' driver's manual, and I want you to study that motherr! And I want you to obey the the goddamn rules of the road! Fifty-thousand people were killed on the highways last year 'cause of 'people' like you! Tell me you're gonna get a manual!

[numbnuts240]

I don't know how crowded parking lots get in the land of MoD, but here in the northeast where parking lots are commonly very busy, driving very slowly in a parking lot, especially tailing a person walking to their car is basic parking strategy 101. Why walk potentially hundreds of extra yards (especially if you intend to purchase a LOT of stuff to carry back to the car), when you could invest 45 seconds minute potentially get someone's spot much closer as they're getting ready to leave. If something that trivial upsets you that much, I think playing a game with them would be better than ranting and spitting bile. If you sense a driver following you like that, you can easily zing them in by dangling your keys while you walk toward your car. Then make an abrupt change in direction to a different row perhaps, where they can't possibly nab your spot.

my favorite part of christmas time is messing with people in parking lots. wander around aimlessly and see how many tails you can muster, then cut through parked cars to lose them. get in my vehicle and sit there idling while someone waits for me to leave, then turn off the ignition, get back out, and head back into the store. i can spend hours doing crap like that.

[hudy]

Nice rant, I was in the grocery store parking lot a few weeks ago crossing from the entrance to the lot and a lady literally stopped in front of me as I crossed. Then she mouths "sorry" through the window. WTF...grr

[skydragoness]

I found this today and decided to leave it here:

[Jesda]

I once had an old lady honk at me in a parking lot. When she parked I asked her what her deal was. She accused me of sauntering.

I asked her if she was in a hurry to buy fresh diapers because the one she was wearing was full.

I got a fast food ketchup packet out of my car and squirted it all over the back side of her driver's door handle.


If I wanted to deal with impatient people I'd move to NYC. This is a midwest suburb for fark's sake.