open letter to a crackhead

[themadscientist]

Got this from a freind, stupid-hysterical, enjoy.

Subject: Crack Pipe

Yes, you. You sick ****er. On Wednesday morning I emerged from mygirlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops offboth the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyonewould do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kindof bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All Iknew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in apadded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket thatnight. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced thesparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that"people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops ofspark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer andformer MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then Iremember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home fromthe shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figuredthe next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have tobuy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, Iwasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days anddropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinatingknowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how****ed up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. Youcouldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of ahome electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on yourlaurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, wasit Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I foundmy motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one -maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a sparesparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket inmy new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to theneighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over mysparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Eventhough the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount(I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I shouldhave just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for thewhole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm notfinished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anywayso it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done mewrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I'veheard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don'tunderstand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for acalculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the mainthing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do iscrack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads mustclown on you non-stop. I mean, the ****ing saw you used to saw off mysparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it fora crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buycrack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be thatstupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount toappeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically CaliforniaStreet. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that whichI hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend thelast half hour writing this post instead of engineering ****, and it isconcievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fireme. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in ratpoison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, itwas his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This isprobably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'msure this is super illegal and ****, but it's not like anyone is going tomiss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steelmirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mmsparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced.I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buyyourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience andsave me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely, Matt

[Badfish]

Heh, I posted this last week. Got it from craigslist.orgStill funny though. Move along crackie.

[blink0r]

LOL. i wish i knew the details behind that... is that a serious letter he wrote or just something made up? Either way, i thought it was pretty funny

[Hijacker]

i feel oddly satisfied now. i think i can sleep :pface

[Badfish]

Internet rant. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/27499971.html