need some advice-kids school issues!!!

[slip69]

Ok so i'll make this brief, i just need to hear peoples advice and then decide what im going to do.

My 11 yr old son has a stuttering problem. its not severe but its there. its his first year in junior high and we all know that being in jr high is hard , but even harder if you have something that makes you stick out. H e's been getting teased alot at school about this and i just found out today that last week some kids were hitting him. he never tells us when this happens because he's afraid that we will go and tell on these kids. he thinks they will try to retaliate and make it worse. as a parent i've tried to tell him that he needs to ignore these kids and focus on his schoolwork. but i know how emotional my son is and i know this really gets to him.

He was I'D'ed as a gifted student in elementary and his counselor says he is a really smart kid. he over analyzes things and i know all this stuff is affecting cause he keeps it bottled up. at home he's funny and is the most helpful around the house than my teenager.

back to the point, i dont know what to do for him. My old school self wants to show up to school, find out who these kids are and beat the **** out of them!!! the new, more controlled me wants to sit down and talk to the principal but im afraid like he says this will make them come after him. im hoping i can get opinions from both sides. i didn't have this problem with my older son, he's always has been pretty popular in school and has been an active player for his schools basketball team, so im not sure how to handle this. if you were ever in trouble for being a bully did you get back at the kid? did you get picked on in school and when your parents got involved did it get better? thanks guys and i would not have posted this here if i didn't feel comfortable talking about this with my vert bros

[BiXLL]

In todays schools, things are so much different then even 10 years ago. My son was in many battles/fights and not much was said or done about it except a few days suspension. My step son, even in just defending himself (though he don't loose) has been in 3 fights in 2 years. With todays "Bullying" laws, he has been warned that another fight will equal expulsion, even if he is not the initiator!

To cover yourself, I suggest you go and talk to principal. Get pissed at him, and let him know you find the situation your son is being put in is totally unacceptable to you, and you want action taken. Todays school admin EXPECTS the kids to act like they have skirts on, and run and tell them about every problem they have between themselves and other students. Sure ain't like my day, unless an ambulance was required, they did not want to hear about it!

What I suggest is far from what I would like to tell you to do, but dealing with todays school admins is a matter of learning how to play a new game. A game you can not win if you use old time strategies, trust me I know, they think nothing of bringing the law into things! You kind of need to sissyfy your way of thinking.

I seriously doubt your son would receive any retaliation, as the school will threaten big time the offenders and will have their parents involved as well. I hate dealing with the laws and guidelines of today. In my day, you duked it out and all was forgotten, now things are just left to fester until one or they other can't take it anymore and someone ends up shot or something!
Modified by BiXLL at 5:17 PM 2/27/2008

[slip69]

my son did crack some dude on the face in elementary for making fun of his stuttering and he also threw a chair. you want to know what happened?? we had to have a talk with his teacher so they could recommend anger management!!! are you fukcing kidding me???!!!! i kinda went off on the teacher and told my son he did good by standing up for himself. but now in junior high he cant really do that with all these kids being wannabe gangsters. if he cracks someone in the face and it turns out he's a wannabe it could get bad!! i know cause i hung out with that wrong crowd all of jr high and high school.

[TIMELSS_vert]

honestly man, I think as a lesson in life, not just school, you should let your son know you are OK with him sticking up for himself. That is, if you think he could hold his ground.

I agree with what BiXll said, and as I am 20, and came up in what i think would be considered the transitional period of old school and new school, I think there is a balance that is ignored. Admin does have a responsibility to keep things straight, but because of political correctness, they are usually completely over bearing on everything with "Zero Tolerence" policies, or completely absent fearing legal action from parents if anything isn't handled perfectly.

I say, tell him he needs to stick up for him self. From personal experience, the one bully that got to me quit after I almost choked him out, my brother pulled me off him. But let him know you are behind him 100% no matter the consequences and you will plead his case 'till you are blue in the face if there is any punishment dealt to him for his SELF DEFENSE. But I think, depending on the bully, anything other than a personal stand could get ignored if not worsen the situation.

Obviously, if you don't think he has a chance at handling this him self, the only option is to get Admin involved. This route has been discussed thuroughly up to this point, so I won't extend my novel.

Good luck man, I'm sure this is one of those issues all parents hate to deal with just because it is so difficult to do so.

[slip69]

thanks bro! yeah its heartbreaking!! to know your kid has to go through that not just in school but for the rest of his life because of his stutter... man that chokes me up especially cause i know he is such a great kid!!! i love all my kids the same but thsi one man he's awesome in his own way. he never talks back , always picks up after himself and will never ever complain when you ask for his help.

good point and i do think he can handle himself. i just dont want him to resort to violence everytime he's confronted with something he thinks he can't handle. but if theres no other way out for him then yeha i cna see him having to stand up for himself and cracking some skulls. damm dude being a parent is tough!!

[Loki]

Being gifted helps. Eventually people will always see past the stutter to the person that is outright smarter than them. I'm gifted myself and I was always the "stupid" fat kid in school. All I can say really is to get your kid to work on his p0ker face. Have him show NO response at all to the bullying and that is usually enough for them to get bored and stop.

If he's dealing with one of those ritalin-hyped super angry kids that just has to make everyone miserable then I would say to try the p0ker face and make your way to some friendlies or at least neutrals, anyone that isn't with the bullies. If it actually comes to shoves or punching, I'd say have him fight back in front of some people that won't mind backing up his story of self-defense.

I dunno. I was never that good at dealing with the bullies on my own, but I had to do it alone. I've never been in an actual fight, and most of the time I would just use my words. Kinda tough for you guys with the stutter though. All the bullying I put up with pretty much made me an emotionally distant loner. Peers suck =/

[GoinTopless240]

Hey Slip69, I have a 10 year old in the Gifted program as well. When he was younger he had a speech issue as well. Best advise on your part... Have him visit a speech therapist. Most school systems offer this for free, but you have to be an SOB about it. My son used to blend ending of words and sounded almost like a cleft palete... My fav was Fire Truck... he used to say Fire F*ck.. when they're 4 to 5 its kinda funny (actually it had me in tears the first time I heard it). After about 7 or 8 visits... gone. It took some effort (tough love - having to correct him EVERY time we heard it and make him repeat himself - sometimes over and over) on our part and his to overcome it, but it was worth every bit of it. I'm kinda like you with the whole "go down and whup some sense" into some of the kids, but then he gets labeled as a baby - which would probably be harder to overcome. Keep the lines of communication open. I try to have a good "chat" with my son at least once a week, let him kinda know that I'm his bud. So far it seems to work, but anything can screw up the best laid plans. My wife is in the psych field, so she keeps me from going off the deep end and letting my emotions (read-anger...lol) get the best of me in these situation. He needs to take care of the stuff at school by himself first (if things get too dangerous... by all means step in - parents "protect", but don''t shelter) and he needs to learn use some verbal wit instead of violence. If he's gifted, he is probably quick with the words. Use his brains to his advantage. He also needs to learn how to walk away, esp with the gang banger wannabes (these poorly parented kids are downright crazy and it only takes one ballsy kids to bring a gun to school to make it tragic) Teach him to know when to walk away or ignore the whole group all together. He needs to learn these lessons though, how to cope with these kind of people, it won't be the last time he has to deal with *ssholes. Hey, we're all family here... dysfunctional, but family none the less. Good luck with this, I know it's tough.
Modified by GoinTopless240 at 11:37 PM 2/27/2008

[Vb93Vert]

in all seriousness, DONT put up with the bull****, i was picked on because i liked to read, and was also "Gifted" many times i let the words and occasional pushing slide. One particular day i was using the restroom, and the kid that always picked on me pushed me into the urinal so i pee'd on my hands. i washed them and thanked myself i didnt pee on myself, i walked out to the water fountain and as i was getting water he slammed my head into the fountain and held it down so water was going down my nose and causing me to choke. got to class, told my teacher i needed to talk to her out side, let her know what was up, she called the office, office brought us both down, school resource officer came, he went to juvy( other kids came forward after me) and i pressed charges against him. when i was in 7th grade( this happened in 5th) i was out side my friends house skateboarding and he saw me, came over and pushed me, i told him to stop, he attempted to hit me, i side stepped, round housed, caught him in the side of the head, knocked him down, and proceeded to let all my pent up frustration get let out. cops came and he was hauled off for violation of probation( got a restraining order pressed agaisnt him and if he touched me it was mandatory 1000 dollar fine and 6months in juvy)

but to the op, honestly, dont let your son be bullied, this is middle school, the kids are hard asses because there parents wont hit them, tell the school, request the kids moved from his class, and see what happens

[DropTop240]

ok basically the last thing a jr. high kid wants is to get in trouble, they just want to fit in and be cool.....if i were you i would alert the school of the problem and let the school catch it in the act....if they follow through w/ suspension like my schools did then they probly wont do it again....

[DeXteR]

First: I agree, get him some speech therapy. A stuttering problem is common and I'm sure a good therapist could take care of it pretty quickly.

Second: I was gifted as well - odd how many of us here are. Chalk up another stat for typical vert owners. I got picked on a lot too because I was fat and smart. I told my parents and I had to write letters (can't remember who's idea that was because I know it wasn't mine) to the bullies and tell them how it made me feel - blah blah blah. Some of those bullies left me alone. Then I got to junior high and started growing. When the bullying got physical, I gave it right back to them. I punched one bully square in the gut and when he realized I wasn't a push-over anymore, he left me alone. A different bully got his neck throttled by me - I remember just grabbing him by the neck and shoving my thumbs into his throat... He left me alone after that.

I still got picked on occasionally, but as my confidence in myself grew, I just didn't let it bother me. By the time I got to high school, I didn't have any problems.

I think boosting your sons confidence in himself is going to help a lot and I think the speech therapy will be the best way to get him started.

[Eikon]

I sure don't miss Junior High!!!

That was a bad time in my life. I had just moved from Colorado to Wisconsin, didn't have any friends, was the "smart kid" with big glasses and no fashion sense. Apparently high fashion was a pretty big deal in my Jr. High.

I got picked on mercilously! My parents talked to the principle, the counselors, the teachers, etc... We couldn't change the kids! We could only change the frequency of when I saw those kids. The fact of the matter was that kids at that age are the worst! They have no personal self-esteem so they run in packs. They single out some kids to pick on because it makes the self esteem of the pack feel better.

My parents wound up sending me to private school. At the time I didn't care because I figured i'd wind up going through the same issues at a new school anyhow.

My nature now is to say "toughen up", "deal with it", "it will make you stronger". But that's really hard to tell a 11-13 year old. It's just not a stage in their life that they are going to be able to take adult lessons like that.

To answer your questions directly.. I was not the bully, even in high school when I was popular and physically formidable... Just wasn't in my nature. I was the opposite in those Jr high years. My parents did get involved on my behalf. They met numerous times with the school administration. Sometimes with me and sometimes without me. We wound up shifting my class schedule around. This put me in different places at different times, so i didn't see the same kids. They identified one class in particular that was bad because of the kids in that class and a teacher who had no control. So they transferred me out of that class into another one. These actions did help! Had I stuck it out there I would have been fine I think because those things did make a difference. However, my parents had basically already made up their mind that they wanted me in a smaller private Christian school.

So my advice from my own past would be to meet with administrators. Talk to you son about when and where he gets teased. If it's one particular class, perhaps they can change the class for him. If it's a spot in the hallway between classes or by his locker... work out a way to change his route from place to place so that he avoids those kids. Tell him to walk with other kids. The loner tends to get picked on! Walking with at least one other kid will make a huge difference in the frequency and severity of getting picked on.

Help him with his self-confidence at home by complimenting him as often as you can find an excuse to do so. That will do wonders in off-setting the effect that the other kids have on tearing him down. Good luck with your son!

[jamesblonde82]

i was a huge nerd back then. took all the AP classes and got enuff guff from that. but we had our own group o' dorks, so that helped. talking to administration is the best thing if you ask me. they like to know who the parents are that really care, at least at my school they did. getting him in advanced programs like AP classes will get him into his own group, might be the dorks, but being a part of something is better than being out by yourself. i didn't really care about being "cool" either, i was just myself.

[1unar3clipse]

My step dad always told me that it was not right to let someone bully you, he would tell me that if I stood up for myself and got in trouble for defending myself that he would stand up and defend my right to not be abused.

[cmkelly]

This little vert crowd never fails to amaze me. We're all honored you trusted us with some pretty personal stuff. I hope we've helped or offered some insight.

My 11-year-old had a speech impediment too and was handled in the first grade with school sponsored speech therapy. He sounded like Cindy Brady – we were lucky and he was able to lose it completely. So like others have said, seek someone out. You probably already have at this point but there's probably more that can be done. The school should have someone available at no cost.

You're probably going to need to get an administrator involved. At least to be on record if anything ever happens. Also like others have said he's going to need to learn to stick up for himself but not by taking on all the bullies Jr. High has to offer. Like me when I was a kid my two boys straddle the line. They both play school sports but are not jocks. They’re in AP classes but are no threat for valedictorian. They know never to start a fight but not to back down if they are being threatened. And to stick up for someone they see being bullied.

I can only imagine his stuttering gets worse when confronted by an a$$hole but he might try playing it off or cracking a joke. He knows he stutters. If or until that changes he's going to encounter people who are either compassionate or ignorant. It’s not fair but the sooner he can identify these people the easier things will be.

I would recommend some athletic endeavor, sports, Tea Kwon Do or something. Feeling good physically does amazing things for the mind. He may not be Bruce Lee or A-Rod but it’ll be an outlet. If that’s not an option you and he might be learning golf together.

I feel for you, I really do. He sounds like a great kid and has a great dad that wants him to be happy.

Peace

[Roadkillracers]

I really hate to see your kid go through the same type of crap that it looks like most of us went through, but it is part of growing up and it is character build years for him. It is very hard to watch and yes scary because you just don’t know what the right answer is, Talk to him, Talk to the School, Talk to the kid’s parents or just beat the crap out of the kid’s parents. My vote.Yes- speech therapy! Yes- talk to your kid and let him know that many people go through this. The worse part of his troubles will be feeling alone. Yes- talk to the school admin, but make them understand they need to watch and catch the kids in the act! If they march in and yank the kids out of class your kid could get retaliation, but if the school Dean has half a brain he can watch those kids and catch them in the act. You need to play the school system so it doesn’t get out of control, just try and do it CIA style and keep out of sight. The school always gives parents the round around with “It’s just a phase” or “We do our best”, but with all that is happening now days I would think they agree with keeping a serious eye on these kids.

I am like a second father to my best friends kids and have helped out with similar issues. It’s quite funny, but I spend a lot of time telling the son to hold his ground, But avoid a fight! Funny no Fighting yet we have Rugby training tonight. Anyways

I was the quiet and gifted kid. In elementary school I was always teased on the play ground because I was in the “Special” classes (before they called them AP or Magna) and also had a speech impediment where I would join words. The more frustrated I get the worse it gets. I have always had very short temper but really didn’t lash out, that is until Junior High. By the time I was in High School my personality was changed. I was short tempered and guaranty if you said some thing I was dead in your face willing to take you down. I laugh now when I read my year book and my friends entries start out, “To Psycho”I have spent many years trying to loose my temper and do my best to find alternatives so Christian and Paulina won’t have to go through the same crap I or their mom did. Both of them are great kids and would like to see them become great adults with out well being known as a Psycho.

Good luck and remember that the number one thing that your kid needs to know is no matter what it is or what they have done you’ll be there for him.Sean B. Ex Psycho of North Hollywood High

[240DrpTop]

Sorry to hear about your bully problem.Sounds to me that you have a really great kid there.You should be proud of him. My feelings are that you need to let the school know whats going on, for the soul purpose that if they don't know there is a problem,How can they take action.I would request a meeting with the bullies and thier parents and the school representitive.Bullies should not be tolerated period. It really saddens me to think of all the other children who could be potentially terrorized by them.I like the idea of speech therapy to build confidence.Also If this were my child I would consider taking self defence classes with him.This would be a great confidence builder.Let your boy know that you are going to take a stand together.Maybe the instructor would cut you a deal if he knew the circumstances.Next I would buy a set of weights and start lifting asap. Bullies don't usally pick on people that are bigger than them.Please don't get me wrong ,I really don't condole violence,but...Unfortunately there are times when we need to stand up for ourselfs.Best be prepared when that time comes. Best of luck,what ever you decide. Hope this helps. BTW down here in the south we just kick the **** out of em.

[1SickSilvia]

That really sucks about him being bullied, but he has got to stand up for himself because it will just continue anyways if he dosent do anything about it. I suggest signing him up for a self defence class or some sort of martial arts if he's cool with it, for two reasons, one he will learn to defend himself and 2 he will build confidence which are both beneficial to a kid his age.

[Loki]

That'd be good....I'd think bullies wouldn't bother bullying someone who is noticeably physically fit/strong, stutter or not.

[DropTop240]

from my own experience, getting self defense lessons of any sort will only fuel the fire....if the bullys find out about him learning karate then they will quickly push him to the point where he has touse it, that stuff is overated until nearing the blackbelt level when its second nature to react using karate

[cmkelly]

My comment about Tae Kwan do or other sports was not so much to better equip him in a fight (although that is a side benefit) but rather to get him feeling good about himself and building confidance in other areas. He doesn't have to tell anyone, it can be his secret, his inner strength. Yeah, someone's gonna find out eventually but the important thing I was implying was how good it can make you feel to release the endorphins that exercise brings.

He may stutter the rest of his life, Mel Tillis made a career out of it, but it doesn't have to define who he is.

I've been coaching youth baseball for the past 10 years both rec leagues and competitive travel ball. Being on a team forces everyone to work together. If he's not into team sports then maybe running, tennis, etc. I wouldn't hit the weights at 11 however. The body's not ready for that type of conditioning. (this coming from a fat middle-aged man

I know sports are not the magic bullet here I just know what it's done for my kids (11 and 15). I know their friends, where they are, and am activily involved in their lives.

If that doesn't work then I'd go right to pychological warefare. Covertly find out where the bullies live and eak out a little revenge. OK, not really but it does feel good to imagine.

Mean People Suck!

[slip69]

AWESOME!!!!!!!!thank you guys so much for all the advice!!! i can't even describe how i feel after reading all the responses from all of you trying to help

i did get a chance to talk to the school yesterday about the problem. one of his teachers was heartborken that this was happening to him. so he promised me he will talk to the kids that sit around my son and give them a warning. if it happens again he said he would skip the letter home and go straight to the suspension and parent conference! My son was happy to hear that.

He has been taking speech therapy at school but its only once a week cause of low school funding. His speech got worse when he started jr high but i think its only cause of the stress. he did join the school flag football team and that did help until he played his first game. then he realized how slow he was . but he had alot of fun

and if it ever came down to it he can fight. i have been teaching him a few moves. when we play fight he freaking punches me hard, hard enough that i have to call time out!!! yeah i know i get my *** kicked by an 11 yr old

after yesterday he said he realizes its not a bad thing to tell on kids that pick on him. so i hope this will turn things around for him. just have to wait and see. i am going to show him your responses so he knows that he's not alone and this happens to almost everyone.

and guess what i too was labeled gifted and was in gifted classes in elementary and jr high damm we vert owners freakign ROCK!!!!!!!

again , THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE ADVICE I AM REALLY GRATEFULL

[Eikon]

damm we vert owners freakign ROCK!!!!!!!

Absolutely true! This group is fantastic, I consider it an honor to be part of this group!!!

[danstachet]

Though I'm not a vert owner, i feel i can relate in a LOT of ways lol.

Bullying is definitely not what it used to be. It's not what tv plays it out to be with the larger and not so intelligent kid picking on the slightly under developed brilliant kid. Now days its groups of wanksters picking on the so called nerds. I find it pretty ridiculous but funny at the same time, because when the "nerd" holds his ground, 9 times out of 10 the wankster friends wont help the one getting beat down.

Just like the majority of you that have posted here before me, i was a gifted student in school and was picked on very often. Most the time i brushed it off as best as i could, but you can't always do that. Sometimes it gets to you and you have to do something about it. I say let your son know its okay to stand up for himself, but to avoid it if at all possible. Let him know that you understand that its frustrating and very disheartening to be picked on for something that you can't help. In all actuality, these days schools look a lot more at your record than anything. It sounds like your son is a stand up child and shouldn't have any issues with previous acts of violence or anything. So if he does defend himself the chances are that he wont be in too much trouble. I got out of a lot of real punishment that way. When it comes to being on the honor roll and in AP classes and the such they tend to look the other way when you defend yourself. But then again there are some school administrations that really don't care and will punish everybody equally.

One thing that i hope your son learns, but will not likely realize till he's long out of high school is that once you're done with school it doesn't matter even the slightest bit who you were in school. What matters is that you got something out of it and made something of yourself. Weather it's because he has a speech problem, wears glasses or clothes that don't fit, or anything else that kids get picked on for... it will eventually not mean anything. He'll just be another person in the world who is living his own life and is doing something with himself, and he'll be the better person for it. I actually realized this when i got my first Girlfriend after i graduated. She didnt care that i was a dork in school or whatever, she liked me for me and none of the past mattered. man, that made me soooo happy to realize all of that.

I think you're son will be fine, so just keep bein the dad that you are and things will work out well.

[slip69]

hey thanks alot for that your right! once your out it doesn't matter what you were in school. your measured by what your current accomplishments are thanks bro

[sedoken]

IMHO, all these new regulations we have in schools today about 'violence', these 'codes of conduct' and stricter rules have led to things like columbine, Virgina-tech, and other various school shootings. why?

as we all know that when you get mad, or experience any kind of negative emotions, that we need to learn to control ourselves. however, we all know that holding in emotions for extended periods of time is essentially worse then letting our emotions out on the spot. because holding in emotions is much like a powder keg, and all it needs is a spark to explode. that's why in the older days, two people could go out and brawl it out, perhaps shake hands later and move on with life. but because of todays schools, this no longer really happens.

anyways enough of this babble, my solutions to you would be

A) Have your son take fighting classes, and not like karate or any weak-sauce like that, but something like jiu jitsu. this way he can manage himself, but in the process of doing so, ensure that he knows how to restrain himself as to not get in a fight at school, or avoid an unnecessary aggression. Also by having him take classes, it's a good stress reliever and builds confidence.

B) Talk to the principal, and try to explain to him about keeping the meeting on a lo-pro, try to explain to the principal that if the bullies get punished on account of your son, that it may make matters worse. perhaps then the principal could help out and keep your son out of the picture as well, so to speak.

C) (and this is HIGHLY HIGHLY UNRECOMMENDED), go woop some *** yourself hahahaha.

Anyways those are just some options, and i'm pretty sure u have some others, but regardless of what you do, just keep your sons head up and let him know that everything will be OK, also let him know that JH and high school are just a bunch of BS

sorry if some parts seem hard to understand, and i hope i somehow helped.

[slip69]

thanks !! I actually had a talk with one of the teachers a few weeks ago and now everything seems to be ok. He's actually getting the courage now to ask a girl out!!! even if she says no to him at least i know he has the confidence now to do that! mostly people with that speech problem tend to be very shy and not be very talkative. thanks again for your input!