my essay on excellence

[themadscientist]

I just finished this up for a writing class and I thought I would share it. I'm sure I have a few grammatical errors. Commas continue to PWN me. Enjoy!

The Death of Excellence

One of the hardest things any person can do is watch a friend self destruct. To see the progression from promise and vitality, on through the stages of unchecked decline, culminating in the total destruction of who they are, and what they stood for, is torture. Ignorance would be a sweet deliverance compared to the sadness one feels being the helpless spectator of a slow death. I lament such a tragic devolution, the horrifying atrophy of my country, our country, America is dying. Over two centuries ago, this land was hammered into shape by the will of uncompromising men, quenched with their sweat and tears, tempered with their blood. Surely such men would weep at the way modern Americans have squandered the gifts purchased with the lives of such men of excellence, for excellence is no longer celebrated, but rather treated with contempt. America of the modern day is a country robbed of struggle, adversity legislated out of existence. We have had so much for so long we take it for granted. What awe could freedom, opportunity, and democracy inspire when they're issued at birth to the latest generation, free of charge. Our forefathers that fought and died on the fields of Saratoga, the harsh cliffs of Tripoli, the dark woods of Belleau, and the blood soaked beaches of Europe and the Pacific understood that the promise of America is not guaranteed. Thomas Jefferson perhaps captured it best when he said “the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” Indeed, if America is to survive its people must find that excellence we once had. To armor ourselves against a world filled with enemies who seek to topple us and what we claim to stand for, and for bewildered friends who still believe in us despite mounting evidence of the necrosis of our dream, the ideas we once held so dear, we must embrace excellence again. We raise children these days with the idea that doing well should bring shame. Where once we celebrated those that were stronger, faster, and smarter, while at the same time respecting those that did their best but were not the best, now we give everyone a trophy for participation. This creates a dangerous condition, a feedback loop of failure. As much as we would like our children to be insulated from harm, both physical and mental, we do them a great disservice by shielding them from the hard realities of life. We place no expectations upon them, thusly they expect little from themselves. Is it any wonder people not instilled with the maxims of responsibility, and earning things through hard work and perseverance grow into irresponsible, selfish adults? Where once we said “ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,” now we say “gimme it, it's mine.” Politicians are ready to give it to us, too. They would love to be the clearing house for all our needs from cradle to grave. Why would they be so benevolent? The reason is simple. When you are the provider of a service, you control that service, and thus you control the serviced. Children who are not taught self reliance grow into dependent adults. Such a group cannot be that which Thomas Hobbes spoke of when he said “government should fear its people.” A nation of over sized children suckling at the teat of the state are nothing to be afraid of. There is evil in this world, and it doesn't care if we die, much less if we succeed, and certainly not if our feelings are hurt. There are winners and losers in life. Whether we wish to admit it or not, we will end up in one category or the other, either through our excellence or lack of it, so it's time to get our game face on. There is no shame in coming in second, that isn't the point, the point is taking that and using it to train harder, to be better, better than the last time, every time. That is what built this country up from thirteen modest British colonies into arguably the most powerful and influential nation in modern history. That needs to make a comeback. We owe it to our forebears, we owe it to ourselves, and we owe it to our children.

[OriginalWheelman]

*Applause*

[marlin29311]

Aside from some style issues it looks good!

"Such a group cannot be that which..." = verbal diarrhea

[HashiriyaS14]

^^I agree, a few style issues, but generally I like it a lot. Actually, I don't have any problem with the phrase that Marlin posted, I think that one is fine.

[marlin29311]

"Such a group cannot be that which Thomas Hobbes spoke of when he said “government should fear its people.”

"This is certainly not the type of group Thomas Hobbs spoke of when he said "government should fear its people." - Reads easier, helps to convey the point clearly.

It's not the worst sentence in the world, granted, but being concise is helpful for the reader to clearly understand what's trying to be conveyed.

[themadscientist]

My writing teacher keeps say I "sublimate my aggression well"

[seang]

I like how you use words. It was strongly written. It was generalized in the sense that I owe it to my forebearers, because I'm not sure I love every one of them.

[480sx]

Good read.