My 1st contribution to this forum....

[The Mic]

“The Political Dictionary”

I’ve seen legal dictionaries, medical dictionaries, accounting dictionaries, computer dictionaries—even Sexual Dictionaries. But the one profession with the most specialized terminology and interwoven jargon is politics… and as far as I can tell, there isn’t a dictionary for politics in existence!And I guess this makes sense; one of the primary job requirements of a politician is to confuse the public with haughty doublespeak and endless slates of half-truths on a sliding scale of dishonesty. For the most part, these politicians get away with their illicit behavior because the public doesn’t really understand the intricacies of what’s going on. Well, that’s where I boldly come to the rescue. Not for general chat though, she can rot in the gutter, the fat whore

What follows is a brief political dictionary, where we cut through the syllabic hyperbole and accurately describe the meanings of terms, words, and organizations. Enjoy…

ACLU: This is a liberal front organization that strongly believes that the U.S. Constitution should be interpreted broadly to allow an individual to enjoy all of rights vested in the various amendments. Except, curiously enough, the second amendment.

AFL-CIO: These guys comprise the union’s most powerful base in the country and always throw their weight behind Democrats. The AFL-CIO will make lots of noise about how its members will volunteer in huge numbers to defeat Republicans… but since these sluggish tubs of molasses are too lazy to work hard at their own jobs, everyone knows they’ll be slacking off on political volunteer work.

Amnesty International: A worldwide organization that condemns the death penalty and thus the state of Texas, Amnesty International can be counted on to tearfully cry about murderers, rapists, and terrorists not getting cable television while incarcerated. Their logo is a candle—probably because they’ve never had an idea bright enough to warrant a light bulb.

Animal Rights Advocates: Feeling an intimate bond between themselves and Bessie the Cow, these socially concerned citizens believe eating meat is tantamount to murder, for all animals deserve our love and affection. And I guess they mean it too, since most of ‘em haven’t taken the necessary steps to remove the legions of lice roving around their hair…

Capitalism: An economic system in which Adam Smith’s “invisible hand” gives rich people the high-five, poor people the middle finger, and people in Congress a hand-job.

Celebrities: All politicians love celebrities, since they tend to have lots of money and aren’t bright enough to challenge them on political issues. Most celebrities are Democrats—and most celebrity-turned-politicians are Republicans.

Christian Coalition: Located primarily in the South, these groups of Bible-thumpers are entirely convinced that Jesus Christ advocated tax breaks and a missile defense system in the New Testament. They vote overwhelmingly Republican and believe Will and Grace is Satanic.

Civil Rights Advocates: Modern civil rights crusaders are primarily concerned with keeping Rush Limbaugh off of ESPN and editing out the Confederate flag from Dukes of Hazard reruns on TBS… because these are the reasons why black people struggle in America.

Communists: A socialist who desires a leadership role.

Conservatives: Believing that the federal government plans to confiscate all their guns, money, crucifixes, and golf clubs, conservatives are very distrustful of any governmental agency that doesn’t wear combat boots and camouflage.

Constituents: These are that pesky, troublesome group of people that the politicians have to occasionally placate with empty promises in order to be reelected.

Democrats: A loose confederation of unions, feminists, trial lawyers, and minorities who believe that the best way to improve society is to confiscate the money of the wealthy, reduce military spending, and increase domestic spending so lazy people can get free goodies.

Environmentalists: Hoping to one day replace SUVs with solar powered cars, oil pumps with windmills, and human beings with the spotted owl, environmentalists believe that the earth is just days away from collapsing and its only hope for survival is a few more bike trails and granola snack mixes.

Extremists: Anyone with over 27 political pins on their jean jacket and a straw hat that stands around a supermarket parking lot in order to hand out pamphlets to strangers can safely be characterized as an extremist.

Feminists: Supporting abortion on demand, lesbian rights, and unisex haircuts, feminists believe that it’s morally wrong for a man to use his position of power to gain sexual favors from an underling—unless he’s a Pro-Choice Democrat, of course.

Fundraising: One of the necessities of political life, fundraising is the act of soliciting donations from wealthy individuals, PACs, and corporations. Politicians demand change in their speeches—and bills from their supporters.

Gun Control Advocates: These people believe that guns eject bullets capable of killing people—and in the hands of criminals this fact could prove quite dangerous. Of course, since we don’t know who all the criminals are, they believe it’s probably a good idea to take the guns away from everyone who could be a criminal. Gun control advocates also tend to be the types who scrub their hands with antibacterial soap 30 times a day because they’re scared of germs.

Guns Rights Advocates: Southerners who like to shoot guns on the weekend because their wives won’t let them go to strip clubs anymore.

Incumbents: A politician who’s not out of work.

Independents: A man who’s liberal on social issues/conservative on economic issues or a man who’s conservative on social issues/liberal on economic issues… or a woman who votes for the cutest candidate.

Interns: Unpaid prostitutes.

Laws: These are the legally-binding statutes that politicians vote upon that primarily serve to placate their constituents and ensure their reelection.

Liberals: People who care more about the theoretical world than the real world and argue that the mere fact something doesn’t work is no reason to abandon its usage. Scared that faceless corporations hope to enslave the working man and take the West Wing off the air, liberals want every portion of the government expanded to protect its citizenry. Well, every portion of the government—except for the military.

Libertarians: A libertarian is a conservative who has a social life.

Lobbyists: These are the people who hold the street signs that show the politicians the quickest route to the piggybank.

Moderates: A moderate is a partisan who hopes to date someone in the opposing party.

Moral Majority: A minority group of Christians who’ve banded together to protect their financial and social interests—just as Jesus would’ve done.

NAACP: The NAACP, which stands for the Noisy African American Complaint Patrol, is an organization in which black people can whine about such important things as the Jacksonville Jaguars hiring Jack Del Rio and not a black head coach… because Jack Del Rio is (gasp) Hispanic—and that’s just not fair.

Neo-Conservatives: There is no such thing as a “Neo-Conservative”—it’s a nonsense term invented by Pro-Life isolationists to insinuate that political conservatism has changed… when it’s still operating from the same playbook Reagan used in the 1980s.

News Media: A place where likeminded people can report on the same goddamn stories from the same goddamn angles every goddamn day.

NOW: A Feminist organization for dateless babes who don’t know how to cook and have trouble applying makeup.

NRA: “Armed” with the knowledge that our Founding Fathers wanted us to keep machine guns, missile launchers, and bazookas (for hunting purposes), NRA members think that nothing could be more fun than hiking into the woods, seeing a beautiful deer drinking from a lake… and then shoot the deer right through the heart, cut off its head, and stick the stuffed skull over the fireplace.

Partisan Politics: It’s politics with jerseys, so the public knows which side to root for.

PETA: PETA, which stands for PEts Taste Awesome, is a group of animal rights extremists who don’t like it when American forces kill members of al-Qaeda without also providing a home for the al-Qaeda member’s fleas. These are the sort of people who don’t treat their festering public crabs because, dammit, crabs have feelings too!

Political Action Groups: People who’re united in a political belief and hope to lobby politicians to see things their way. Politicians don’t like political action groups because it distracts them from the professional lobbyists.

Politicians: Elected officials who demonstrate their social concern by taxing people, taking their money, and spending it how they see fit. This behavior is also called “public service.”

Politics: The art of taking half a loaf of someone else’s bread when you really covet their entire loaf of bread.

Pro-Choice: This is an absolutist, uncompromising segment of the population who believes that life is defined by geography—inside the womb it’s just a soulless mass of genetic goo; outside the womb, a viable human being.

Pro-Life: This is an absolutist, uncompromising segment of the population who believes that life is defined by physical contact between microbiotic particles—seconds before egg and sperm interface it’s just a soulless mass of genetic goo; once particles collide, a viable human being.

Progressives: A progressive is a liberal who doesn’t like to be called a liberal.

Public: The ever-expansive playground of politicians.

Public Schools: Government-run indoctrination centers. The goal of a public school is to teach a kid just enough so he can generate a taxable income—but not enough to where he’d question authority.

Public School Teachers: Poorly-regulated government employees who vacation all summer, won’t take tests to evaluate their performances, and constantly demand more money.

Republicans: A loose confederation of evangelical Christians, white people, members of the armed forces, and rich folks who believe that the best way to improve society is to allow the wealthiest segment of the population to keep more of their money, scare bad guys with an aggressive military, and force the poor to get off their *** and start flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Soccer Moms: Wives in minivans who think every issue in public discourse should revolve around their children’s betterment. These are the same wenches who want to ban smoking in public restaurants because little Timmy thinks that cigarettes smell “yucky.” Of course, Soccer Moms overlook the fact that little Timmy smells like a urine and apple juice concoction and is a helluva lot more disruptive than a man enjoying a cigarette on a barstool.

Socialism: A political system that’s appealing to people who don’t like the fact that harder working, more capable people tend to make more money than lazy drop-outs with heroin tracks on their forearms.

Talk Radio: A place where people who are too old for rock & roll and too Caucasian for R&B can listen to middle-aged white people complain about liberalism, Bill Clinton, and other people having sex.

Taxes: The money that the government confiscates from us under penalty of criminal prosecution that funds the projects politicians believe will help their reelection campaigns.

Trial Lawyers: Attorneys who no longer chase ambulances—they contort the law in order to mandate that ambulances drive slower or else face endless litigation.

Unions: Organizations that protect the interests of working men who don’t want to work.

[Mr1der]

i don't get it....where's the bewbs?

[The Mic]

Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to pay my admission.....

[Jesda]

"NOW: A Feminist organization for dateless babes who don’t know how to cook and have trouble applying makeup."

BHAHAHAHAHAHHA

I'd bang Naomi Wolfe though.

[navysnail]

LOL hillarious man