Is it possible to reinvent oneself...pushing 40?

[Gold Digger]

I'd like to get your opinions on something.


Over the last couple of years business at my school has started taking a turn for the worst. Student numbers are dwindling and because of that, I've taken two major pay cuts in my 9 years here. Last year, I thought I was going to have to find a new job, which I actively sought, but my company offered me a contract that, at the time, seemed good.

After six months, it's not as good as I had hoped. Still not getting any new students to fill the spots left by graduating ones and I see no hope of a pay raise when my next contract comes up. My family has scrimped, sacrificed and saved but we're still struggling. And, unfortunately, the market for English teachers is saturated with younger college educated people coming here for working holiday so finding a new job in the market is getting harder and harder as employers know they won't have to worry about retaining an employee or salary raises. There really isn't much for someone in my position as far as work due to my age and not having a degree. I'm tired of working my a** off to stay just above water.

I've also never envisioned myself being an "English Teacher" for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the job, but I think it's the kids I enjoy more. But there's just no room to grow financially in this job unless you're lucky enough to land a job at a junior high or high school, and even then there's a salary cap and a limit to how long you're employed there.


But...I have been given an opportunity for a job that pays well, though has long hours and requires a lot of traveling. The company is stable and has been turning a profit each year almost it's entire existance (from what I've been told by a friend/employee).

The pros, along with the decent pay are that I would receive a daily per diem allowance (tax free), gas card, use of a company vehicle or a daily vehicle allowance (also tax free) should I decide to use a personal vehicle and a company/personal use iPhone. There is also a company credit card used at a yet to be named home center to purchase consumables used on the job. The job would also afford me learning a trade I can apply in the future should I not continue with this company. Incentives and possible advancement are also there should I prove myself worthy.

The company also offers health insurance, dental insurance and life insurance with premiums that aren't ridiculous. There is also a 401K plan with company match of .5% up to 5%.

The cons, other than the long hours and required traveling are if I'm not at a site or traveling to a site, I'm not paid. I would mostly be living out of hotels. Working hours are not set. Some sites require early morning to mid afternoon, afternoon to night, so on and so-forth, so sleep schedules could get a bit crazy.

Now, for the big kicker.

This job would require me to relocate...back to the U.S.

The wife and I have been discussing this for a couple of weeks and the current plan would be for me to move back to the states by myself and base myself out of my parents house for one year while traveling and working. I could live off of the daily per diem (paid in advance) with some left over each week and send my actual paycheck back to my wife to save and finish paying off bills that have been lingering for a while as well as saving money for a down payment for a house. It would also give her time to find and train her replacement for her father's company.

After the first year, she and the kids would move back to the U.S. and we would begin our lives again, but this time with the chance of a better future. We'd also be away from the mess at Fukushima.

As a side note...one of my friends who works for this company has been able to save close to $3k a month for his first year on the job. He lives in a house shared by 4 guys when he's home so he's only paying for a room to sleep in, lives off his per diem and personal vehicle allowance and just banks his actual pay check. He's due for a raise in his per diem and basic pay the end of this month.

So, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? Take the chance and start over or stick it out and hope things improve in your current position?

Opinions, questions or just observations are welcome and will be considered.

[WDRacing]

This isn't the first time I've heard you mention bailing on your current career buddy. It's been more down then up for the last couple of years, so I'd consider all options on the table.

Make sure the money is there for the job you're referring to in your post. Ask yourself if travel is ok and will your wife REALLY be ok with it when she's in America.

As far as, can you "reinvent" yourself goes. Hell yeah you can dude. People start new jobs all the time. The job doesn't make the person buddy.

Quick question. What degree's do you have? Do you have a masters in English? If so you can pick up teaching some online courses for extra cash.

[nissangirl74]

It is absolutely possible to reinvent yourself at ANY age if that's what you want. I personally think switching jobs is a no-brainer. If you were already stateside, there wouldn't even be a question. You'd do it in a heartbeat.

I think the only issue (and it's a big one) is how is this going to effect your family and your relationship with your wife and children. You have to sit down with your wife and have a very serious, very REAL conversation about how the move will impact her. While you are the one that is relocating and stepping out into an unknown world, she is going to be pulling double-duty trying to do all she does plus all that you do. That's a huge responsibility for her.

I'm not trying to dissuade you. I think it is a fabulous opportunity and I would jump on it in a heartbeat if it was offered to me, but only if Greg and I were absolutely on the same page and we were certain that that much distance and time wouldn't cause any issues.

[jekl]

I think nissangirl74 said it right. You REALLY need to consider your family, as I'm sure you are, and have an HONEST conversation with your wife.

I just recently left a job that I had worked for eight years, moved to the top and realized that the company I had invested so much in, really didn't care if I was there or not. My situation was different though. I was making money! Good money, but never consistent. I took a job that was half the stress level, less hours worked so I could spend more time with my family but it came with BIG pay cut.

When you both come to your conclusions you'll know its right and you won't look back! Good luck and hope the best for you and yours!

[Gold Digger]

Brian,

I know I've brought this issue up on more than one occasion, but what makes this one so different and appealing is that it would actually give me a chance for a secure future. Teaching English here in the medium I do it is a pretty much dead end job. Most schools don't offer any benefit or retirement package. So see this as an almost, and not to sound too cliché, "once in a lifetime chance."

And to answer your last question...I have no college education. I did one semester and dropped out.


Bex,

The wife and I have been, and are continuing to have, conversationa about it. So its still an ongoing thing. She told me this morning that if want to pull the trigger and do it, she'll support me 100%. But the issue of such a distant and long separation needs to be addressed further.

While still here, she'll have a good support network to help if needed. She takes care of most of the kids appts anyway because of my hours. The only real issue would be not having me around to help with discipline. Once in the states, we would be in the same area we were when we first married and we have a good network of friends there that I know would be willing to help when needed.

So, that much at least is covered.

I even spoke to my dad about it and he brought up many valid points which I have already run through my head but ultimately said, even with the considered, were he in my shoes he'd have to at least try.

I wont be making any decisions in haste. Were also not taking it lightly the impact it will have on our kids. I've still got at least 6 months on my current contract and the wife and I still need to run this by her parents and brothers then our kids. It's going to he one of the most difficult decisions we've had to make.

[WDRacing]

You have to do what is going to secure you and your family a good future. Not sure I'd leave my wife and kids oversea's in the meantime though, why not just rent a place? Buying a home isn't the end all.

Just talkin out loud here bro.

We can finally have that damn beer if you get stateside!

[Mr. Music]

From your description of the new job opportunity in the first post, it seems like you'd be spending quite a bit of time away from your family even once they are stateside. I'm sure you've thought about it already, but throw in the mentioned long hours and is the money you'd be earning worth the time away from your family?

Would getting a college education improve your chances of finding a better job in Japan? A lot of traditional universities here in the States are offering some of their bachelor's and master's programs completely online. I don't know how things work concerning education in Japan, but it may be something to consider.

I don't envy your situation at all. Good luck to you and your family no matter what your decision is.

[Kompresshun]

Personally, I wouldn't be willing to leave my family for a year. I would find another alternative, even if it still involves moving back to the states but I think that much separation combined with the amount of travel with the job you mentioned will weigh heavily on the relationship.

My father-in-law has been in the Army since he was 16(He's 44 now), plus he has been in law enforcement and been a federal agent for years. My mother-in-law still resents him for all of the time he has been away for work and how much they've had to move over the years. They have been married for 26 years and they still have a good marriage, but they do not like to be alone together much either. It's like without the kids, they're strangers to each other at time because of how much time they've spent apart.

I know it's a different situation, but once piece of advice he gave me a long time ago was this: $10,000-$25,000 more a year is not worth missing time with your family and not worth taking on extra stress.

I know ideal jobs can be hard to come by though and making temporary sacrifices are understandable, but it sounds like you may still be away quite a bit once they even move to the states.

Personally, I could probably be in a higher paying job right now but to me it's not worth the extra stress. I enjoy going to work every day and I get to see my family every night, plus spend every weekend and holiday with them. I wouldn't trade that for another $25k/year.

[Bubba1]

It is absolutely possible to reinvent yourself at ANY age if that's what you want. I personally think switching jobs is a no-brainer. If you were already stateside, there wouldn't even be a question. You'd do it in a heartbeat.

I think the only issue (and it's a big one) is how is this going to effect your family and your relationship with your wife and children. You have to sit down with your wife and have a very serious, very REAL conversation about how the move will impact her. While you are the one that is relocating and stepping out into an unknown world, she is going to be pulling double-duty trying to do all she does plus all that you do. That's a huge responsibility for her.

I'm not trying to dissuade you. I think it is a fabulous opportunity and I would jump on it in a heartbeat if it was offered to me, but only if Greg and I were absolutely on the same page and we were certain that that much distance and time wouldn't cause any issues.

This^. Going on the road full time is not as exciting as it sounds. It takes a very strong marriage to make it work and as Bex said, you and your wife must be on the same page and there must be no hesitation by either of you. I did it for a few years when I was in my late 20's, after buying a house and before having kids. But I grew tired of it fairly quickly even as a young man. At first it was very interesting. I got to visit almost every state in the contiguous US, met a lot of nice people all over the place, knew the better restaurants, hotels, taverns, and a few topless joints (ahem) in countless cities. The money was very good and I accumulated ridiculous amounts of frequent flier miles on several airlines and hotel points (which back in the day did not expire as they do now), and rented/abused every possible rental car you could think of, which was kinda fun. That meant meant great inexpensive vacations, and a lotta upgrades. But the down side is that it really puts a big strain on your wife as she must take up almost all of the slack at home, which can be a lot if you own a home and especially if you have kids. They grow up too fast, you don't want to miss out by seeing them only on weekends. And the weekends home are much tougher than you think as you got a lotta things to get done in a very short amount of time and precious little time to decompress or spend with your family before leaving again. I also found it difficult to keep from gaining weight as it was more difficult to find the time or energy to exercise or watch the diet, especially when eating out so much. I was relieved and much happier to come off the road.

That said, I'm not trying to dissuade you either as it could be a very good opportunity and could lead to other good things. But being a road warrior is not for everyone. And we're in no position to tell you whether or not it's good for you and your wife. That's something you and your wife need to decide on your own.

Good luck

[Gold Digger]

First off...thank you everyone so far for your input.

To address the big point of being away from family and being on the road.

I won't be leaving my wife to fend for herself. If I decide to do this, and she stays here for the first year, she'll still have her parents to help out. When the time comes to bring the family home, we'll be in an area, as I've said before, she'll have my parents close by. It's something I'm always thinking about as I know it's going to be difficult.

I have somewhat of an endgame in mind, too. Do two to three years on the road to build up a good nest egg and move up the company ladder to a project manager (desk job, home every night) and see where that takes me.
I also understand about just being home sporadically.

When I was growing up, my dad worked on the road for BNSF. For a while, he was up in the Chicago area staying with my grandmother and we'd see him on the weekends when he would come home or we would go up there. But, I remember how it was for me and my brother when he would come home. It was difficult trying to get him to spend time with us. I would do my damnedest to make sure I don't put my kids/wife through the stresses I had to go through.

*Note: Even though it wasn't the easiest thing to deal with, I hold no resentment toward my father for how he was during those years on the road.

That being said, I still think that with where my life is right now, if I were to take this job, put in a few years of hard work, I can make this work out in the end and be able to take care of my family. There are still some questions I have for my friend to answer before I make any decisions. We still have to discuss this with the wife's parents, as well and it's not going to be an easy talk. But, I've always respected her father and he's always been very supportive of us and has always given good advice in serious matters. I just don't know how he'll take this discussion.


What really has me on edge and has me really thinking is going to be the time away from my wife and kids. I'll have the opportunity to stay in contact with them on a regular basis, but phone calls and video chats only work so well.


Like I've said before, this is not a decision I'm going to take lightly as it's going to have it's consequences, both good and bad. It will either secure a good future for my family, or it will tear us apart. That's not something easy to decide on.


Again. Thank you everyone one for your input. I look forward to more opinions on this.

[NolimitZ32]

I don't have much to offer you but I will say what I can. I'm 27, I moved from Texas where I grew up since I was 8, to Perth, Australia about a year ago. I moved because I was and still am single and young enough (in my mind) to make up for a bad decision and because I wanted to see this side of the world. But mostly I did it because the money and resume building experience would be invaluable. The HARDEST thing about this decision has been the feeling of being completely alone, I left all my family (parents, grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc.), pets, cars, and everything I knew. I can't give you any opinions on how this may affect your wife and kids as I have neither, but I will tell you this; be prepared for the bad days, the days when you feel absolutely destroyed by the loneliness and the distance. Having said that, I am a firm believer in "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and only stronger I have become. I hope you make the decision that will be the happy one for both you and your family but if it's truly a once in a lifetime opportunity can you really afford (both monetary and otherwise) to pass it up?

[IBCoupe]

So, the new job sounds a lot like my current life. I'm rarely in one country for more than three weeks at a time. I'm looking to hire someone who'd be living a life not unlike mine, too, but I've been advised by colleagues that what I'm looking for is a younger person. I'm 28, and traveling like this puts a strain on me. With that said, though, I don't think it would be too bad for someone in their 40s. One piece of advice that I got from someone at Newark(but haven't yet implemented... waiting to make a little more money for the company, first): if the flight is more than 4 hours long, fly business.

And, as you know, it puts a strain on the relationship I have with my wife, who stays in China (though she's regularly traveling domestically, as well). I'm maintaining my U.S. residence in much the same way that you would be "based" in the U.S., too, and that means any time you need a visa, it's back to the U.S. you go for 1-3 weeks, depending on the country and the type of visa needed.

I second Nolimit's comments about feeling alone, too. I'm actually happier when I'm in China, surrounded by fewer than a handful of people I know than when I am in Berlin, where about half of everybody speaks English. And even though I only saw my friends in the United States occasionally while Lili and I lived there, there's a big difference between not seeing them this weekend because you've got other things to do, and not seeing them this weekend because you're on the other side of the planet.

I guess what I'm saying is: don't underestimate how hard it will be. Brace yourself. You will get lonely. Loneliness breeds depression. Depression breeds strife. Know it's coming, and account for it. You may be aware of the challenges that await your family, but it's going to hit you, too. That said: it sounds like you should do it. I'm a believer in taking the road that's available to you, not the one you wish that was. That's why I went to law school; that's why I'm now a CEO in the medical industry. No idea it was going to happen this way, but it did. If that job seems like the best bet for you and yours, take it; I'd do the same thing.

[Ozzie]

Keeping my opinion short and to the point.

I have done it (sorta). Lived apart from my wife for 6 months while she took a big step up career-wise.
Although we didn't move to separate countries, it was still apart from her for months at a time.

It helped having the long term goal, and discussing things together before making the move.
If you keep your focus on the end result you are aiming for, it will be worth it.

Cath and I have a motto, and that is to never take a step backwards. I say go for it.
It's not going to be easy being apart from your family, but imagine where you will be in one years time.

[Bubba1]

One aspect that I'm not sure was discussed is your parents' view of the move, as it sounds like they will become more involved if you do it. Have you discussed this with them? I have no idea of your family dynamics, but doing this kinda thing at 40 instead 20 means both sets of parents are likely older (I assume they're all still with you). And depending on their situation, they might not be in a strong position to offer the type of assistance you might be expecting. That's not to say they can't play an active role in your (and your children's) lives, but if you're expecting them to take on a bigger supporting role, you need to make sure they can handle it.

[Looneybomber]

You're 40. My dad left his company (Ford) right when he was 51 or 52 after being with them for around 12-15yrs. He loves his new job and has a LOT less stress because of it - and maybe even helped the marriage in the process. My ex is 32 and is switching to a very different career field than she was in. I'm 31 and am 2yrs away from finishing my electrical engineering degree. I also spent 8mo away from my wife and kids due to the military. While being away it's hard and puts a strain on the family, it's completely do-able and with your situation, it sounds like it must be done.

Looking ahead 5yrs from now, how do you see your life if you take one path or the other?

[Gold Digger]

Keeping my opinion short and to the point.

I have done it (sorta). Lived apart from my wife for 6 months while she took a big step up career-wise.
Although we didn't move to separate countries, it was still apart from her for months at a time.

It helped having the long term goal, and discussing things together before making the move.
If you keep your focus on the end result you are aiming for, it will be worth it.

Cath and I have a motto, and that is to never take a step backwards. I say go for it.
It's not going to be easy being apart from your family, but imagine where you will be in one years time.

Andy,

Thanks for your insight on this. We've definitely discussed long term goals. It's one of the biggest points of this whole situation. We've tried setting goals here, but when the cost of living constantly keeps (fluctuating like it does) it makes things difficult. Also, not having much chance of advancement in a small privately owned company like the one I work for makes making end goals difficult.

As for your motto. Love it. I could easily adopt that for us. I'll run it by the wife in our next discussion.

One aspect that I'm not sure was discussed is your parents' view of the move, as it sounds like they will become more involved if you do it. Have you discussed this with them? I have no idea of your family dynamics, but doing this kinda thing at 40 instead 20 means both sets of parents are likely older (I assume they're all still with you). And depending on their situation, they might not be in a strong position to offer the type of assistance you might be expecting. That's not to say they can't play an active role in your (and your children's) lives, but if you're expecting them to take on a bigger supporting role, you need to make sure they can handle it.

Yes. I've discussed this with my parents. My dad's close to retirement and my mom works part time. If we're to do this, I'm pretty sure my parents would be on board for helping out if/when needed. While my dad and I had some issues in the past, over the last 15 years our relationship has become so much better. He's the one I always call when I need advice on serious matters and he always gives me both side of the coin. My mom and I have always had a good relationship, as well.

You're 40. My dad left his company (Ford) right when he was 51 or 52 after being with them for around 12-15yrs. He loves his new job and has a LOT less stress because of it - and maybe even helped the marriage in the process. My ex is 32 and is switching to a very different career field than she was in. I'm 31 and am 2yrs away from finishing my electrical engineering degree. I also spent 8mo away from my wife and kids due to the military. While being away it's hard and puts a strain on the family, it's completely do-able and with your situation, it sounds like it must be done.

Looking ahead 5yrs from now, how do you see your life if you take one path or the other?

Not 40 yet. Still 2.5 years south of it. But, close enough.

You're comment about being in the military is also a good point. I still have a few friends from my time in the Navy who are married and have been separated because of deployments. Maybe talking to them would help out with ideas and opinions, as well. Thanks for that.

5 years from now in my current path? Who knows, honestly. None of the teaching jobs I could take would ever provide the types of security that I could get with this other opportunity. None of the conversation schools offer any kind of health insurance options or retirement packages. Paying for private coverage is the only option I would have.

If I were to take this job, I could conceivably see myself as financially stable, have a fair amount of money saved for a future nest egg for retirement, training in a few different possible career paths and just an over all better sense of balance in my life.

[Looneybomber]

If I were to take this job, I could conceivably see myself as financially stable, have a fair amount of money saved for a future nest egg for retirement, training in a few different possible career paths and just an over all better sense of balance in my life.