If divorced, how long should you wait till you date?

[Looneybomber]

Back story: My 22y/o friend Tori is getting divorced after 3+ yrs of marriage. Her husband (23y/o) served her papers in December I think and she had to move out. Well, she calls me tonight because she had a bad week; Got hammered at the bar yesterday, ran into her ex fling (I guess they dated from right after the papers were served till March), left for another bar, and ran into her current husband and his new GF, Tori (20y/o)...yes, same name. They all proceed to have an argument, her husband says she can't go to the same bars he does and she eventually leaves. Tonight, wife, Tori, gets a phone call from new GF Tori and hilarity ensued. It's all teeny-bopper style drama! Dang kids, stop getting married!

So my first thought is WTF are either of you two doing dating while you are still legally married!? Also, we're all military and while there's no civilian laws against cheating, it can be punishable under article 134 of the UCMJ...but I digress. There is a period of recuperation/healing post-relationship that must be done for your mental and emotional health, but how long should that be? I tried to explain this to her, but it didn't go over well. I've always thought of it as a half-life, or a decaying exponential e^(-at), where in this case, e is your emotional attachment to your significant other, a is a constant and t is time. And the limit of e^-(at) as (at) goes to infinity is zero. But we don't have infinite time, so what is the value of a when multiplied by t to produce an insignificant value of e? And what makes e insignificant? Ok, done nerding out.

Anyway, if married 2-3yrs, I think a person should still want to wait 6+ months before going out on the market, shopping for a BF/GF - more if married longer, but that exponential decay means you won't have a linearly proportional length of time and may only be 9-12mo or maybe even 2-3yrs if married for a long time.

[Jesda]

I say, date casually within a month. Get serious about dating in a year.

Based on having been the guy on the crap end of a breakup as well as the guy who swoops in on a recently single woman, I believe young women are more likely to start dating immediately than men. They get used to the "being with someone" lifestyle and want to maintain it, or at least they want the ongoing attention.

[Looneybomber]

You're right Jesda, but I don't think they ever really heal from the relationship, they just go from one guy to the next, of the exact same guy, repeating the exact same problems. I try to tell my guy friends to stop dating that same girl with a different name over and over again; date the workout freak, the book worm, the vegan, the women's rights activist (unless you're chauvinistic, then go after a women's rights reformist), etc... Otherwise those feelings never fade away enough and get projected onto the next girl/boy.

However, having friends (guys or girls) being in your life will really help hence the phone call I got...but doesn't want to hear me tell her to stop sleeping around.

[nissangirl74]

People handle divorce in different ways. Some mourn what the relationship they lost, some embrace their new found freedom. I left my ex after 15 years together. I didn't date a lot because I wasn't looking for a relationship but an occasional hook-up for purely selfish reasons isn't anything to be ashamed of. Length of time after the relationship is dissolved is irrelevant in your equation. People don't lead relationships according to math. When you're done with someone, you're done. When you're fed the f*** up and just want to go get some strange, that's what you do.

FWIW, I don't think it's right that they're sleeping around while they're still married. Go have the judge sign the papers and then move on. He had her served in December, why isn't it final yet?

[PapaSmurf2k3]

Acceptable E (we'll call it Ef for final) occurs when Eo (original) has decayed 50%, which is entirely based on your constant, a.

a is only constant for each individual. The decay factor for one person could be much faster than others, so really you can't make this into a math problem at all, as a is an unknown (and infinitely variable).

...basically just go bang it out with someone new, and your a value increases dramatically, thus shortening the length of time required to achieve Ef.

[Bubba1]

People handle divorce in different ways. Some mourn what the relationship they lost, some embrace their new found freedom. I left my ex after 15 years together. I didn't date a lot because I wasn't looking for a relationship but an occasional hook-up for purely selfish reasons isn't anything to be ashamed of. Length of time after the relationship is dissolved is irrelevant in your equation. People don't lead relationships according to math. When you're done with someone, you're done. When you're fed the f*** up and just want to go get some strange, that's what you do.

FWIW, I don't think it's right that they're sleeping around while they're still married. Go have the judge sign the papers and then move on. He had her served in December, why isn't it final yet?

This^. There is no one set waiting time before dating again. Everyone and their situations are different. Some require more time than others.

[Jesda]

You're right Jesda, but I don't think they ever really heal from the relationship, they just go from one guy to the next, of the exact same guy, repeating the exact same problems.

"Why can't I find a nice guy?"



'Because you're a whore who dates losers.'

[NolimitZ32]

^ THIS

[darylzero]

FWIW, I don't think it's right that they're sleeping around while they're still married. Go have the judge sign the papers and then move on. He had her served in December, why isn't it final yet?

I believe in Cali and most likely other states you have to wait at least 6 months before a judge will grant a divorce.

[alms24sebring]

People that sleep around like that disgust me. I mean within days of divorce!? Marriage at 18 almost never works anyways.

I loved the math analogy. Its so true and thats how I see it.

[themadscientist]

These waiting periods you have are baseless metrics, completely arbitrary. No two couples and their relationship dynamics are the same. Some people are ready to look sooner, some later, some never really get back out there. I was actively looking for a new relationship the next day. The first girl I dated is now my wife and it's so good it's scary. My ex was looking very soon after the divorce and after several failed relationships is now remarried too and I wish her all the happiness.

[OriginalWheelman]

In my experience, by the time it actually come to a divorce the relationship as it was has been long over. Usually people get divorced when they decide they want someone else. People dating shortly after a divorce never really surprised me.

[PapaSmurf2k3]

Especially at 22. All that pent up late teens early 20s stuff finally gets to come out!

[WDRacing]

I was in an awful marriage...fcuking awful. My divorce was in FL, they have some sort of BS regulation that requires a 6 month separation before the divorce is final. I met Kate, my current wife, about 3 months into the 6 month period. We're now happily married and have been for like...I think almost 14 years.

Time has nothing to do with anything. For the most part marriage is a complete joke. 80% end in divorce. If you're married before the age of 25, I think the odds are up to 90%.

Unless you're military I don't even see the need for marriage unless you're over 30. At least then you should have a decent idea what you're looking for and what you want to be when you grow up.

[Looneybomber]

People that sleep around like that disgust me. I mean within days of divorce!? Marriage at 18 almost never works anyways.

Agreed! If they get their rocks off once or twice, so be it, that's fine, but stop the whoring, it'll only hurt your self esteem.

I loved the math analogy. Its so true and thats how I see it.

I like using math for things since it's so much simpler to figure out and picture.

These waiting periods you have are baseless metrics, completely arbitrary. No two couples and their relationship dynamics are the same. Some people are ready to look sooner, some later, some never really get back out there.

Oh absolutely, I even used "a" as my constant knowing it's some arbitrary constant, and that value will be different for everyone. I was hoping to find a minimum, or baseline, from the moment the person emotionally clocks out of the relationship. If that's a year before the divorce, for example, they could be ready to date that same week papers are served since that minimum time was already reached.

Unless you're military I don't even see the need for marriage unless you're over 30. At least then you should have a decent idea what you're looking for and what you want to be when you grow up.

I'll have to check again, but I think the military has a higher divorce rate than civilian, but I think it's because more young people are getting married. Marriage and deployment seem to not work well anymore. While the service member is out fighting, the spouse is back home sleeping around, male or female. I've heard both stories and happened to my best friend since 4th grade while he was in Iraq.

[Jesda]

In general, a person ought to develop their sense of self before they latch on to another person romantically.

Sexually, I suppose its no big deal, but otherwise if you're dragging your baggage around from person to person you'll never achieve any kind of self-actualization and will remain stuck in the same destructive behavioral patterns. This is why, after a relationship, it''s important to have some solitary time. You have to reflect on what you did, what your partner did, and how things will change the next time around.

Being able to find a successful relationship immediately after exiting another is simply luck, not wisdom.

[themadscientist]

I disagree, Jes. Coming across my soon to be second wife was luck, but my ability to identify her traits and appreciate them was purposeful. I did an autopsy of my failed first marriage and knew exactly what sort of person I was looking for and made sure she was that person. Had she not been exactly who I was looking for I would not have invested further time in her.

[Dattebayo]

In general, a person ought to develop their sense of self before they latch on to another person romantically.

Latch on? lol That's a pretty loaded comment right there.

[Jesda]

Latch on? lol That's a pretty loaded comment right there.

Who doesn't love nipples?

[Jesda]

I disagree, Jes. Coming across my soon to be second wife was luck, but my ability to identify her traits and appreciate them was purposeful. I did an autopsy of my failed first marriage and knew exactly what sort of person I was looking for and made sure she was that person. Had she not been exactly who I was looking for I would not have invested further time in her.

I wouldn't give that as general advice to anyone else because there's a greater chance of your average human carrying their ongoing issues to a new relationship rather than resolving and understanding the problems that caused problems in the old one.

What you've experienced is an exception... and what you just read above was a horribly composed run-on sentence.

[WDRacing]

I'll have to check again, but I think the military has a higher divorce rate than civilian, but I think it's because more young people are getting married. Marriage and deployment seem to not work well anymore. While the service member is out fighting, the spouse is back home sleeping around, male or female. I've heard both stories and happened to my best friend since 4th grade while he was in Iraq.

I only mean that in terms of getting benefits and being on PCS orders. The divorce rate is crazy in the Mil. My current wife and I were both active when we got married and we were both on our second marriage.

[themadscientist]

Latch on? lol That's a pretty loaded comment right there.

Who doesn't love nipples?

[BusyBadger]

What about when dating is the reason behind the divorce?

[themadscientist]

That's cheating, not dating and I think most would frown on that.

[Looneybomber]

What about when dating is the reason behind the divorce?