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Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:27 am
The following are accounts of actual exchangesbetween airline pilots and control towers around theworld.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock,6 miles!"Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digitalwatches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45Degrees.""Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise canwe make up here?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a verylong takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircrafttransmitting, identify yourself immediately!"Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored,not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329heavy, your traffic is aFokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to saythis... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solocross-country flight. While attempting to locatethe aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had anexceedingly long roll out after touching down.San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hardright turn at the end of the runway, if you areable.If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit offHighway 101, make a right at the lights and returnto theairport."
There's a story about the military pilot callingfor a priority landing because his single-engine jetfighterwas running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that hewas number two, behind a B-52 that had one engineshut down."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "Thedreaded seven-engine approach."
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,turned around And returned to the gate. After anhour-long wait, it finally took off. A concernedpassenger asked the flight attendant, "What,exactly, was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard inthe engine," explained the flight attendant. "Ittook us awhile to find a new pilot."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for startclearance in Munich overheard the following:Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our startclearance time?"Ground (in English): "If you want an answer youmust speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying aGerman airplane, in Germany. Why must I speakEnglish?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautifulBritish accent):"Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,contact Departure on frequency 124.7"Eastern 702 "Tower, Eastern 702 switchingtoDeparture. By the way,after we lifted off we sawsome kind of dead animal on the far end of therunway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoffbehind Eastern 702,contact Departure on frequency124.7. Did youcopy that report fromEastern 702?"Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared fortakeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we'vealready notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told bythe tower to hold short of the active runway while aDC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turnedaround, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Somequick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on theradio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did youmake it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult goby, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out ofDC-8 parts.Another landing like yours and I'll haveenough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airportare renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not onlyexpect one to know one's gate parking location, buthow to get there without any assistance from them.So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)listened to the following exchange betweenFrankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,call sign Speedbird 206.Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear ofactive runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate AlphaOne-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiwayand slowed to a stop.Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you aregoing?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking upour gate location now."Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have youNot been to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but itwas dark, and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, thecrew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdalemade a wrong turn and came nose to nose with aUnited 727. An irate female ground controller lashedout at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,where the hell are you going?! I told you to turnright onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right onDelta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult foryou to tell thedifference between C and D, but get it right!"Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, shewas now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you'vescrewed everything up! It'll take forever to sortthis out! You stay right there anddon't move till I tell you to! You can expectprogressive taxi instructions in about half an hourand I want you to go exactly where I tell you, whenI tell you, and how I tell you!You got that, US Air 2771?""Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communicationsfrequency fell terriblysilent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate groundcontroller in her current state of mind.Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick wasdefinitely running high.Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence andkeyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married toyou once?"