I laughed so hard I cried...

[Beancooker]

This was reposted on one of the gun forums.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's (Meal, Ready-to-Eat). Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated / rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila - Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" - it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt.)

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that s*** is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said, "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me?" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said, "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trashcan.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said, "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't s*** for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

[naladude911]

LMAO thats so f*** funny. Who the f*** would ever make that for a date tho, that's so dumb, but funny. I

[asoomal]

PIIHB.

[Beancooker]

LMAO thats so f**king funny. Who the f*** would ever make that for a date tho, that's so dumb, but funny. I

I could see you try to pull off some s*** like that when you get your first date.

[Rev_D21]

LMAO thats so f**king funny. Who the f*** would ever make that for a date tho, that's so dumb, but funny. I

I could see you try to pull off some s*** like that when you get your first date.

Except Nala would be the one doing the crapping and crying.

[dre1507]

i nearly died at the "Chocolate Mousse".

[tigersharkdude]

LAWLZ

[Looneybomber]

Haha, I laughed. Luckily, the MRE's are only about 12-1300 calories/package, not 3000/package...but they do jack up your poops.

[PapaSmurf2k3]

REPOST!
I wanna say TMS posted it first?

[Beancooker]

It's just one of the cliches of internet forums, like acronyms and smilees. If you post something, a link, a pic etc; unless it is something YOU created 5 minutes ago there is a variable percentage of chance that some space ranger, some guy with nothing creative to say who thinks it's pithy and clever and somehow gains him net points to say REPOST. Hell most forums even have a smiliee devoted to this pathetic bahavior to save your detractor the trouble even having to type the six letters himself.

I just can't play along and pretend it isn't one of the lamest, weak, sad crys for help to be seen on forums. You have seen whatever it is before, congradu****inlations, you have scoured the internet and seen all there is to see and we are all just following in your footsteps, duly noted , cookie is in the mail you googlelator.

If you have seen whatever it is before fine, don't feel the need to comment. You don't get a stamp in your netslut pointcard. Nobody gives a **** if you have seen it before and you just look like a tool with nothing better to do that criticize people. The fact that you chose such an insignificant point to make a stand on suggests just how vacuous your existance must be, get a life already.

everything you see on the net has been seen by someone else, move on now, nobody cares.

ANYBODY POSTED THAT BEFORE?
before you answer see thread title

[snwbrdr435]

I think i posted it


edit yup

mre-dinner-date-t521679.html

Still funny a second time around though

[krimsonviper]

It's just one of the cliches of internet forums, like acronyms and smilees. If you post something, a link, a pic etc; unless it is something YOU created 5 minutes ago there is a variable percentage of chance that some space ranger, some guy with nothing creative to say who thinks it's pithy and clever and somehow gains him net points to say REPOST. Hell most forums even have a smiliee devoted to this pathetic bahavior to save your detractor the trouble even having to type the six letters himself.

I just can't play along and pretend it isn't one of the lamest, weak, sad crys for help to be seen on forums. You have seen whatever it is before, congradu****inlations, you have scoured the internet and seen all there is to see and we are all just following in your footsteps, duly noted , cookie is in the mail you googlelator.

If you have seen whatever it is before fine, don't feel the need to comment. You don't get a stamp in your netslut pointcard. Nobody gives a **** if you have seen it before and you just look like a tool with nothing better to do that criticize people. The fact that you chose such an insignificant point to make a stand on suggests just how vacuous your existance must be, get a life already.

everything you see on the net has been seen by someone else, move on now, nobody cares.

ANYBODY POSTED THAT BEFORE?
before you answer see thread title

REPOST

[sbird1]

REPOST

REPOST

I found this humorous. Would probably be even funnier if I had eaten MRE's in the last 10 years...

[Jesda]

Its not a repost if I didn't read the whole thing twice.