Here's a few jokes - not that we feel this way

[BrandAidDesignG35]

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. -----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. -----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. -- -------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[370Z/28]

Hey....the link to the moon smiley is broken.

[BrandAidDesignG35]

I added the disclaimer in the post title just for you

And you reply with this?!?

[telcoman]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true... Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without tv but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. You r secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now! And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. = Telcoman

[370Z/28]

I disagree with #11



While we are on the subject of age:

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.



Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

'You mean I was here already?'

[370Z/28]

I added the disclaimer in the post title just for you

And you reply with this?!?

No problem sweetie...I can always take a joke.

[Poyzinous]

Sing along with elevator music? I must be old.

[370Z/28]

When Linkin Park and Green Day do elevator music, I will sing along.

[telcoman]

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.' Telcoman

[370Z/28]

[BrandAidDesignG35]

"his member grows"

[Poyzinous]

[Sebago]

Okay - I guess we started a joke thread for the day. These aren't actually jokes but I do get a good laugh whenever I read these:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget...ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you s***ting me?_________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: getting laid____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male._____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral._________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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My favorite is the "sexually active" one

Sebago

[370Z/28]

This is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

What do you call 365 used condoms in a tire?````````````A GOOD YEAR!

[Poyzinous]

[telcoman]

This is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

What do you call 365 used condoms in a tire?````````````A GOOD YEAR!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hypnosis

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having.

All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to standIn front of a mirror,Stare at myself and repeat,' I do not have a headache '' I do not have a headache '' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire inThe bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist andSee if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,Picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bedAnd says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps intoBed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even betterThan the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, sheSees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife ''She's not my wife ''She's not my wife ' .'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

[infinitgkid]

Okay - I guess we started a joke thread for the day. These aren't actually jokes but I do get a good laugh whenever I read these:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget...ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you s***ting me?_________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: getting laid____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male._____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral._________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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My favorite is the "sexually active" one

Sebago

I'm going to school to become a lawyer myself and I find all of this hilarous...

I just have that gut feeling that I'm going to be in a court room and I know I'm clumsy enough to slip up like that

Good stuff though!