I appreciate the banter. =)
I think I'm gonna go with the first idea though, since I don't have a welding gun or any welding tools. Also, it will be MUCH cheaper than buying another hatch ($20-40 vs. $200-400). But thanks for that link Nils...I will definitely look into that if this method fails.
As for putting the spoiler back on...I'm not planning on ever getting this "professionally" fixed, at least not in the next few years (I'm 18, fairly limited budget and uncertain future). And...I didn't show you the spoiler, but let's just say it's in tenfold worse condition than the hatch itself. It's faded, warped, cracked, ripped, and the bottom is covered in rust. That's not a viable option.
I picked up the epoxy and sheet metal and stuff while I was out today, and I'm going to start on that tomorrow or Friday. The one thing I don't have yet is the paint. The back of the hatch is okay, but as you can see from the pictures, about half the top needs to be repainted. I have the color code, but should I try to buy the paint and do it myself? Is it going to look like ****? It looks like absolute **** now, so any improvement is good, but exactly how ghetto are my attempts going to look? And do you think I need to remove the hatch and spray it, or can I do it with a touch-up brush? I don't wanna spray the back of the hatch, I'd lose the lovely 'NISSAN' and 'SE' logos. ;D Masking the brake light would be a b**** too.
But again, thanks guys it's all much appreciated. I'll keep you updated on progress. =)