Comman tools

[kenbagby]

[font=Arial]Tool Dictionary

 DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
 suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
 hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
 your beer across the room, splattering it against
 that freshly painted part you were drying.

 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
 them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of
 light Also removes fingerprint swirls and
 hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
 takes you to say, "Sh*t!"

 ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
 rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 PLIERS: A simple hand tool used to round off bolt
 heads.

 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
 the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human
 energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the
 more you attempt to influence its course, the more
 dismal your future becomes.

 VISE-GRIPS: Next generation Pliers.  Also used to
 round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
 they can also be used to transfer intense welding
 heat to the palm of your hand.

 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
 igniting various flammable objects in your shop.
 Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel
 hub you want the bearing race out of.

 WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
 British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
 mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket
 you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
 automobile to the ground after you have installed
 your new disk brake pads, trapping the   jack handle
 firmly under the bumper.

 EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 x 4: Used for levering
 an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood
 splinters.

 PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he
 has another hydraulic floor jack.

 SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
 sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
 for getting dog doo off your boot.

 E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
 harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in
 bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
 strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar
 that inexplicably has an accurately machined
 screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning
 booth.  Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
 source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
 is not otherwise found under cars at night.

 Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
 consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
 that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
 say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
 More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
 misleading.

 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
 on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
 implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that converts energy
 produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles
 away into compressed air that travels by hose to a
 Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
 bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at
 ERCO and neatly rounds off their heads.

 PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
 surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
 remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

 HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

 HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
 hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
 locate the really expensive parts nearest the object
 we are trying to hit. In the South we usually say "just get a bigger hammer!"

 MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
 contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
 front door; works particularly well on contents such
 as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
 collector magazines, refund checks, rubber or
 plastic parts and fingers.

 DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
 across the garage while yelling DAMMIT" at the top
 of your lungs.  It is also the next tool that you
 will need.

 EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally and in
 hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and
 indignities following our every deficiency in
 foresight.[/font]
[font=Arial]SOUTHERN ENGINEERING:  A term used to descibe the use of "baling wire" or "duct-tape" to fix a problem. Actually this one usually works!:)[/font]

[71-521]

Great!

Need to make this a sticky!:D

[phlebmaster]

That is great!! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

The truth of those statements.......excellent way to keep it light.