Best joke ever

[gwoods]

Get me a beer

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

[Sentientbydesign]

Imma go down some hypnotiq and come back. That joke better be funnier when I come back...

[uberOT]

Some girls are out having a good time, getting drunk and just having fun. At around 12am they decide they need to head home, and they all live close so they walk. Half way home, while they're passing a grave yard, one girl says "I need to pee..." but she has nothing to wipe with? She says "I'll just go crouch behind a headstone and use my panties =/". A second girl agrees... she needs to pee. She goes behind another headstone but is wearing a very nice pair of panties so just uses a ribbon from a flower arrangement she found. They all head home and go to sleep...

-the next day their husbands are talking to each other-

husband 1-my wife came home drunk...husband 2--wtf? that's nothing, my came home w/o panties on!husband 3---..... mine came home with a card stuck between her butt - "From all of us at the fire dpt... We'll never forget you!"
Modified by uberOT at 9:36 PM 7/3/2008

[gwoods]

awesome

[Ar878]

husband 1-my wife came home drunk...husband 2--wtf? that's nothing, my came home w/o panties on!husband 3---..... mine came home with a card stuck between her butt - "From all of us at the fire dpt... We'll never forget you!"

Modified by uberOT at 9:36 PM 7/3/2008

haha excellent

[BrandAidDesignG35]

This is me and the girlfriend after it starts...

lol

I wonder what the husband thought of the fire dept???

[G_whizz]

LOL... WIN!

[WhiteyClay]

2 blonds are walking in New York at night and talking to eachother. And one ask the other a question " what do you think is further Florida or the Moon". The other blond replies" The Moon is closer, cuz you cant see Florida from here, and you could see the moon" and points at the moon. They all agreed and kept on walking.....----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blonds are standing in the elevator. One spots out a liquid dripping from elevetor celient. She asks her blond friend " Is that sperm dripping down?" - Other blond touches it with her finger and puts it in her mouth and says" Yes its sperm and its from 2nd floor apartament B"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

[WhiteyClay]

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Scroll Down. --->..................................

...<----- Scroll Up.

[SVTCOBRA]

Blonde jokes are almost as good as dead baby jokes!

Which is easier to unload...a dump truck of bowling balls or a dump truck of dead babies????Dump truck of dead babies, the pitch fork goes in easier.....

Was amazed that my kids had never heard of these..

[zozoka1212]

Who wants to be a millionaire?

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said,

'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's your I.Q.

The Robotic Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?" The man replied, "150." The robot then proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote Liberal again?"

REMEMBER: "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED, FOR THE SAME REASON!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Who's Nuts????



I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting,'13...13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.



'What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.



'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position I could get her into!'



'Fantastic!' exclaimed the barman. 'You lucky bastard, was she pretty?'



'Dunno. Never found her head.'

[aukword1]

lol @ voting liberal again...thats a good one.

[Tampa G35 Sedan 6MT]

I got one for you boys

This old lady is starting to have some wrinkles on her face. So she decides its time to go see a doctor to get this fixed!

She goes to see the doctor and he implants this knob on her head. The doctor tells the lady that everytime she sees a wrinkle to give the knob a small twist. He said this is not a perminant fix to your wrinkles but it will give you more time before you have to get a face lift.

The lady is very pleased with the results of the product and leaves the doctors office

2 years go by and then the lady starts to get these big bags under her eyes. So she called the doctor and told him about the bags. He then told her to come in so that he could take a look at them.

When she got to the doctor's office the doctor said lady you have this thing maxed out! and those bags you are talking about... well those arn't bags those are your breast.

The lady just shakes her head and says well i guess that will explain my gotee......

DJ

[joe603]

Heard these two on the radio this morning...Regular guys FTW!

-2 atoms walk into a bar. The first ones says to the second, "I think I lost an electron". The seconds says "are you sure?". The first atom says "Yup, I'm positive!"

-Why do they paint canoes black??? Because they don't tip...

[rn79870]

Canadian Tourism Humour The most unusual questions tourists have asked at information bureaus across the country.

**From Tourism Toronto, a toll free info and reservations line

Why do French Canadians have a different accent from other Canadians? How do I apply for the Canadian Express Card?

What's this Boxing Day in Toronto, do you box on that day?

I heard about that new law and I'd like to find out... uh, my girlfriend would like to know the best places to go topless in Toronto.

Caller: How far is Boston from Toronto?Counselor: About 900 kilometers, or 565 miles. Caller: So if I drive using miles, it won't take me as long to get there? Is that what you're saying?

Can I take the subway to Vancouver?

Good afternoon, I'm entertaining some executives, and would like to know where they can ride llamas.

What information do you have on Italy?

**From Check-ln Nova Scotia, the province's toll-free information and reservations number

Do you have automatic bank machines up there?

Are you connected to Greenland? Can you tell me about the ferry from Halifax to Europe?

Does Nova Scotia have a dress code?

** From Alberta's Banff/Lake Louise tourist bureau

"That's such a lovely flag," said a tourist admiring the Canadian flag. 'Does it come in many colors?"

Visitor: How far is it to Lake Louise? Staff member: 40 miles Visitor: How long is the trail?Staff member: Five kilometers. Visitor: What's that in English?

At which elevation do the elk change to moose?

Can you book us baseball tickets at the SkyDome tonight? We're driving to Toronto this afternoon.

** From the information kiosk at Niagara Falls, Ontario

Is the water coming over the falls real?

What time do you turn on the rainbow?

Are the CN Tower and SkyDome within walking distance? From a tourist who was admiring the falls at night, when they're lit up with various colored lights: What kind of dye do they put in the water to make it change color like that?

How can I parachute over the falls?

I have to be at this address in Vancouver for dinner at 5 o'clock this evening. How much time should I allow myself to drive there?

Why do you Canadians have fireworks tonight? The 4th of July is still a few days away.

Which way do we walk to get to Montreal? We'd like to go there for lunch.

Maybe Sean could answer these questions for us...

*****************

Canada VS United States This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

CANADIANS:Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS:This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

CANADIANS:We are a lighthouse. Your call ******************

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French B@stard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[BrandAidDesignG35]

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, theytalk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins tocough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in realdistress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down herdrawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. Thewoman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction fliesout of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowlyback to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' butI ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[adren77]

hahaha all these are hilarious!

[TeflonG35]

Thats sexy.