And Monday again (who's got the biggest)

[zozoka1212]

I thought it was funny.

Three third graders, a Cape Breton kid, a PEI kid and a Newfoundlander are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says."Okay." They all agree.

The Cape Breton kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out."That's nothing," says the PEI kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.Not to be outdone, the Newfoundlander whips his out. It is by far the biggest.That night, eating dinner at home, the Newfoundlanders mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.Well, me, Angus and John each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Newfoundlander .Is that true, Mom?"Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[BrandAidDesignG35]

Zozo, the greatest

A young lad Johny comes home from school one day, proclaims to his mother, "MOMMY MOMMY!!! Today at school I had sex with my teacher! She says "Johnny you bad boy! Go to your room and think about what you've done, I'll have your father figure out your punishment when you get home"...

So Johny goes off to his room, and when his father comes home and hears what's happened, he says, "Wow! Johnny!, What a good boy! I'm so proud of you! I can't believe my little boy is turning into a man!"

"You know what! I'm going to take you to the bike shop and get you that red bike you've been asking for!

Sure enough, his father goes out to buy the bike, when he takes it home to Johnny, he notices his bike has been sitting in the same same spot for a few days Concerned he says... "Johnny?!? Why havne't you been riding the new bike I got you?

Johnny sheepishly replies, "My A#$ is still sore"

[marlin29311]

I love the monday thread.

[zozoka1212]

LOL Poor Johny wa on the receiving side. ahahahaha LOL

zozo

[G_whizz]

I love the monday thread.

Thanks for the laugh boys!!

[telcoman]

Thanks for the laugh boys!!

One more-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Halloween Outfit..

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your *** and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co

Telcoman

[BrandAidDesignG35]

This is great telcoman... I'm laughing at my desk better keep it down

[zozoka1212]

hahahahahah Telco

[tollboothwilley]

LOL

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”

The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

[tollboothwilley]

another...

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

[zozoka1212]

LOL priceless.

zozo

[Tampa G35 Sedan 6MT]

Nice Guys... Love the Monday funnies even tho it is Tuesday lol!

DJ

[telcoman]

Nice Guys... Love the Monday funnies even tho it is Tuesday lol!

DJ

Why men don't write advice columns.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Walter,I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------

Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Walter

Telcoman

[Tampa G35 Sedan 6MT]

that one takes a min.. but I understand the guy with the 22 year old girl..

Got to love em young ones

[telcoman]

So its Wednesday and we're getting closer to Monday.

I have no idea if this is true. Someone sent it to me so I'm just passing it along--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Speeding

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. �The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

~ ~ ~

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

Semper Fi.

Telcoman

[kmckis1029]

this is the best one so far!

[telcoman]

this is the best one so far!

Thanks

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Subject: FW: Country FuneralCountry Funeral

As a minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!

Telcoman

[zozoka1212]

Well it is Friday now and we still laughing. That is good. Glad couple of you guys picked up on it and put more jokes in. Bring them on.



Telco those were awesome.

zozo

[telcoman]

Last one for this week

Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist yells , "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Telcoman

[zozoka1212]

hahahahah

zozo