#------------------------------------------------------------------------------# From the "Deep Thoughts" (by Jack Handey) 1995 one-a-day calendar## A comment field notes the date every monday. Saturday/sunday quotes are# on a combined page, so there are six quotes in every set.#------------------------------------------------------------------------------
# January 1
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when youwalk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you cansay, "Sorry, got these sacks." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I amnow. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in theroom, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children'schildren, because I don't think children should be having sex. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggshatching. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forwardinto the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# January 9
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick herin the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all daylong. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It wasalmost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all overit. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck inquicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis!How do they do that?! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and ifhe leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it wasa lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage thatpeople might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Prettysoon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# January 16
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It hasmore feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year,but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator wasa real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had tolaugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe bylaughing he would forget what he asked me. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he hadaccomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then hekicked me, then he punched me again. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box andrubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'llthank you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type ofparasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# January 23
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is theydon't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then whensomebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even ifyou don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.Then, on the way out, slam the door. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what ISthat thing?! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because thatreally annoys me. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it wouldreally make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certainlightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going tohave fun with this thing. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# January 30
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're inthere some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and takeit to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save asolid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes backinside the hat is at least a decade away. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch yourlips, because you don't know where that glove has been. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lotof money.'' -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas,because that's what He's getting! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# February 6
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okayto feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to dosome tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impressionwe are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would notprohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp'sgyrations seemed to be getting out of control. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together askull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not askull but just an old dried-out potato. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered wherethis started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and aclown killed my dad. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plusif you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of theway. Cars, too! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow meto go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# February 13
Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to myimaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and theweather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then Ispin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking thequestions? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. Butsome days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your littlewindow and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.'' -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would knowsensuality if it bit her on the ***. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I canpicture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet itmakes beer shoot out your nose. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# February 20
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And sincehe's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS?It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spinsor changes colors. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up andlit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just saidthat to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Anotheremotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something likethat. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what hepaid for his stupid puppet. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young andeager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, likedams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped,and then ``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. Andusually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# February 27
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a sliceof lemon to each jar, for freshness. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula ANDSuperman away. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all theconfusion and problems they've caused? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That wasfun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," Isaid. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted.I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that forabout 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was aninteresting story. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite andbite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit myskeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?" -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# March 6
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the backand said, "Hey, good job." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's justlike regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't knowwhy we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt andbeg for it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices andjust laugh at people. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guessthat's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back andforth, wanting that money. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish outof a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fishpulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# March 13
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time tohang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor."Sorry," he said with a smile. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun.That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?"And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'dbe fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what thequestions are. Hey, where am I? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peacetreaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly actsurprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!" -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flyingacross in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose inhis beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. Andalso, you're drunk. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself.For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, youwould think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-backfeatures, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean"having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# March 20
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be consideredan enemy planet. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this,but that's another weakness. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'lllook like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you everneeded something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointedpsychiatrist is our "friend." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? Thatway, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# March 27
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends areall watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you wereswimming. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, likeapes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where somewere probably hit by cars. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sortof smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we goout to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on theground were my parents having sex. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just followthese simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third,shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makespeople happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why severalof us died of tuberculosis. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# April 3
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of thesound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking tothe president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard youspit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably bePROUD to be sprayed by one. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that cityslicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone'smoney in a p0ker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer,nobody had any money left to buy it! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to aflea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knockedthe next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# April 10
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, Isaid, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder.Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground.You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clearacross a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable.Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say,"Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because biglaughs are coming. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you wouldconstantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, youhave all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping himlater." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on,we're not going to hurt it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, andthe other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# April 17
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" toprotect my nest of chocolate eggs. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a goodsaying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes afella." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "Godis crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell himis "Probably because of something you did." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's allI have to say. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarilymeans you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learnabout proper hammer maintenance. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, isthe story of Popeye. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# April 24
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'djust have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's`fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't asksomeone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to befriendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?" -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you'reall covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?"(Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.) -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the sametime, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things Ican't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when theybreak into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there'sthe monster, sound asleep. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we noticeit's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this everynight. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear overthe ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuffthat comes flying out. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# May 1
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me.I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, anddial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawkingand cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speakEnglish. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week youcould have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then hewould, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, lookingthrough your stuff. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don'tthink it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because peoplesee that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. Itwould be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After awhile, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in somepornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like aneagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents.Then, some more pornography. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house.And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall aroundmyself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard,protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# May 8
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for whenyou get bit by a rattlesnake. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. Thatway, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him.How about it, science? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our headsthat gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Thensomehow I get myself elected president. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinctis to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Thenit wouldn't seem quite so funny. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in theworld. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't havethe right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine.Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTENTO YOURSELF! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# May 15
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comesout and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tellthe people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how manyloaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you meanlengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going tobe an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may thesun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, andthey'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain aboutthe rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made awoman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some peoplelaughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'llbe waiting for you in heaven---with a gun." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really startto annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of"bag." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankindshould be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# May 22
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with ahammer. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, whatelse is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, andit can kill you if you disobey it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep thestudents from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myselfdown. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When theperson comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says"You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so thathis arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, Idon't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's thepoint I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# May 29
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. Iremember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive anddrive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport weplayed. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff,or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing afresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round andround, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, wehad some growing up to do. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination shouldautomatically disqualify you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair,you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets madat you. I found this out the hard way. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime,to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# June 5
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in theground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around,like you're going to fall in. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead ona gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they everpress charges. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of"accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way ofletting off stress. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but witha smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn'teat so much. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in myholster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy saidsomething like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and startedlaughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right,it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody wouldget real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron ofjustice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# June 12
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not thatdifferent from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think likeddolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It'sHambone. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of thefort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, itwas torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for thesurrender. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of peopledo. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're notan `afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn'teven know the right word. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real madand yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point toanother father. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# June 19
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions aboutyour life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it isjust to say, "No speaka English." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how thegladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would bethousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get togetherand dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us"ants," because we hate that. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him isprobably a joke that gets old real fast. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what herdinner tasted like. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Goahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# June 26
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simpleas wild dogs. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, aboxing glove on a spring shoots out. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, becausedo you hide from it or not? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guiltyor not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks attheir heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all,but dirty clothes hampers. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. Butthe stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he'scompletely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# July 3
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land onsomeone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you couldcover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is,we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit bycars a lot. The third is stripes. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like anice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells anotherscientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in yourhand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then whenhe looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said itshould read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in hersuggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was ajoke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
# July 10
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind".What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab themby the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive themout into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms ofzebra and clown life. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think Icould cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk.After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face orsomething. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would reallymake you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposedto carry it?! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech infavor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.They're just not ready. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two livesconnected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# July 17
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of strikingsurface attached to the end of a long stick. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that thedrinks are free. Ask, and ask often. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thoughtback to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I namedhim Flint. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and thewind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And afteryou're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and askpeople for money, and then lie down and go to sleep. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautifulthings in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish withlong, blond hair. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's roundmetal hat. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# July 24
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I satthere thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking andyelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death byabout ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("Ican," one bee.) -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tellabout it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I'd rather be rich than stupid. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores cameup to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good ideato say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# July 31
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But theyforget the negative side, which is the preening. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, becauseI'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'djust quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking aboutdoing that anyway. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot somefireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look moreimpressive. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It wouldtake about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And youknow what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off tothe side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# August 7
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake iswrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, andhow much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about ahundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throwchicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's allyou give them. Man, wise up. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working togetheron some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full ofholes? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take mylittle nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-outwarehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I startedto drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's acommon mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# August 14
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe byshoving them down his throat)? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut itopen, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, andin him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person,because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like aJohnny Combat little toy guy---something like that. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, andjust keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" isbehind this. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, andthe dancers hit each other. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the firstthing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# August 21
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting onyour armor because you were "just going down to the corner." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then,when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said`inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life,because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a littletorture. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was verypleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's reallyembarrassing if someone tries to kill you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# August 28
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonoussnake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOUgot bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. Alot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tellthem it was just a joke. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. ToddBlankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you getyour first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope iswearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen aradarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? Wemight, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I metthe family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow,but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times.I think they got the point. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# September 4
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okayto laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering whothis person was, and why he had deer horns. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!,I'd have all my money back. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pieheaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# September 11
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the wateringhole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and boneseverywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved forskeletons." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets rightback on you, I think you should buck him off right away. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how muchglow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it intheir yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for awhale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And youknow why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you,the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick andit tastes like Kool-Aid. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tigeror even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on anelephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# September 18
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was themeanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn'tknow how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy wholived in the big white house. "THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, mymistake. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stopand start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that'sprobably the first sign of jungle madness. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That'scalled Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn'tbe laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up intown. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individualpush buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you justpush the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at thefront of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lightednumber against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking thequestion. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the leasteffective on me is a kind of clicking noise. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# September 25
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh ata man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of thoseplastic dry-cleaner bags? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal,trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money forabout twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west andstart digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'dsay, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold." And I'dsay, "well, that was easy." Good joke, huh? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at thempersonally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? MaybeBob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of spacewarp or something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!"said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," hesaid. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?"thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steeringwheel sticking out of the meteor. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'mtelling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# October 2
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stickpotatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikingsand lady Vikings. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when Ithought, "What am I doing?!" -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. Howcould anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, andI'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poisonfeather? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyonelistening to me?! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him UncleCave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us.Later on we found out he was a bear. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minuteyou're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# October 9
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're anastronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned intoDracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slamthe door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he'snot Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but onboth sides. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be ifyou were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn'tget it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybeit was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away fromthe first fight. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heartsink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with hisSuperman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamedGrandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof andstuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened afterthat. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# October 16
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like peopleto do what I say. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, andthey never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they werecreating. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me onthis planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and theymake fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really ourcivilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to comeback in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start acrash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that,or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet youcan really see it in those genitals. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# October 23
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in theday, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leaveearly. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of theEmpire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? Theyprobably break down into their various gases before they even hit. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, becauseI bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has thatear monster and that big-dress monster. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw backmy head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me,because I am beautiful. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a goodcostume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# October 30
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossboneson it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could putit on and really scare you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with awooden stake. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and howthe children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that Iwould get revenge. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding,you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is thestrength of that pudding skin. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because,man, they're gone. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# November 6
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says somethinglike "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or"Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, wecould all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slowdown, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head outwhen you're coming home, his face might burn up. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold ayard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use acheap ice pick. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw oneof those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of howcrazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# November 13
A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.) -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he'sthrowing up, is not what I call hospitality. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making themovie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling andrunning around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guywould say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. Thatway, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to theside and pretend I was window-shopping or something. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on thesame day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. Firstof all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looksthat much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# November 20
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve:something that stings you, then laughs at you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he s*** on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want tostudy the brain. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always bitingyou on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going to go aheadand keep you in the "happy" category. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or thecranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, butinstead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then,later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fakecough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are goodcigars!" -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice atall, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there asaying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it ashard as you can? I thought I heard that somewhere. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
# November 27
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walkaround on two feet with a lot of other guys like me. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once,because the faster you go, the later you think you are. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw,who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad." But I will say this:At least the bird is less nude. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you define cowardice as running away at
A years worth of deep thoughts.(AKA. Longest post ever)
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StrangeLove
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getnrowdy23
- Posts: 1224
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 11:58 am
- Car: '95 sr20det 240sx se/2004 suzuki sv650s
