A Redneck Family

[telcoman]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. Iain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got noidea’r what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a oldlady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed abutton. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a smallroom. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the smallcircular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continuedto watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly tohis Son, “Boy, go git yo Momma…”

Telcoman

[370Z/28]

One of my favorite redneck jokes is,

What does a redneck Darth Vadar say?

Luke....I am your Father....and your Uncle.

[AZhitman]

Joke #1: WIN.

Joke #2: Eh.

But bonus points for the Depp quote... Solid.

[370Z/28]

[Poyzinous]

Reminds me of my redneck friend from work. He was telling me about his high school prom experience. See he had no date, so he took his sister with him. He said it was an otherwise normal date for him. They danced, had food and drink, and then he told her they should go out on a joyride. After the joyride they stopped for a milkshake at a drive thru somewhere and parked around the corner from home. He told his sister they should make out. She was a little surprised, but thought he deserved it since they had a nice night out. After a few minutes he said he told her that he made a bet with his friends that he would 'get lucky' that night and since he was already making out with her, if she would accept what was to come. She figured they came this far, so why not. Anyway, they hopped in the backseat and as they began the unthinkable, he noticed she was having difficulty breathing. He asked her what was wrong and she told him he was heavy. He asks "how am I heavy?" She says "well I mean you're heavier than Dad is..." he says "WOW! You know what? Mom said the same thing to ME last night!"

[Tampa G35 Sedan 6MT]

Nice one T...

[RichiePoor]

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit!!

[zozoka1212]

Bahahahah

Nice I loved both of them.

[telcoman]

Reminds me of my redneck friend from work. He was telling me about his high school prom experience. See he had no date, so he took his sister with him. He said it was an otherwise normal date for him. They danced, had food and drink, and then he told her they should go out on a joyride. After the joyride they stopped for a milkshake at a drive thru somewhere and parked around the corner from home. He told his sister they should make out. She was a little surprised, but thought he deserved it since they had a nice night out. After a few minutes he said he told her that he made a bet with his friends that he would 'get lucky' that night and since he was already making out with her, if she would accept what was to come. She figured they came this far, so why not. Anyway, they hopped in the backseat and as they began the unthinkable, he noticed she was having difficulty breathing. He asked her what was wrong and she told him he was heavy. He asks "how am I heavy?" She says "well I mean you're heavier than Dad is..." he says "WOW! You know what? Mom said the same thing to ME last night!"

+1

[BrandAidDesignG35]

These are comical, I think we need more trailer park jokes too... I'm so happy I got my GF out of there.

I swear some of the things I've seen are real joke material... just last week, they were camping on the basketball court in the trailer park. These ghetto kids with no parents camping in the middle of the trailer park wtf.

Last week, it was some young punks in some kind of ghetto war, running around getting chased by police. Older guys always hanging around without any shirts on drunk, and a runaway german sheppard with a huge arse chain hanging off his neck running around rabidly.

When I actually visited there with my GF to see her moms, it was always entertaining.

[biggie]

This thread hurts my Appalchian-American heritage.

[370Z/28]

[telcoman]

This thread hurts my Appalchian-American heritage.

First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded..

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bleepard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied...

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Telcoman