Have you tried resetting the ECU's learned behavior?
howto-perform-an-ecu-reset-learned-beha ... 03469.html
When I first got my M, I feared transmission problems from the hard shifts at modest throttle (which did help me negotiate a lower price from the used car dealer
), but noticed that in 'snow' mode, the hard shifts went away. This led me to reading about the learned behavior of the ECU and how to reset the computer ("pedal dance"). I do this twice a year now, mostly just for kicks as I don't drive in traffic very often anymore (country livin' at it's finest), but I still often notice a difference in shifts after the reset. My M has always had a hard 3-4 shift under partial pedal, but I've put 50k on over 5 years and it hasn't changed.
Good luck!