Anthony Bourdain's take on Food Network stars

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HashiriyaS14
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I read this on Michael Ruhlman's food blog today (it's an older entry) and thought it was hysterical.

He let Anthony Bourdain (from Travel channel, hilarious guy) post his thoughts on various Food Network personalities. It's about time someone tore into Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee.

I'm waiting for him to do this for "Top Chef", but he might like Tom Colicchio too much for that, as well he should, I suppose.

I couldn't agree more that Mario Batali is horrendously under-utilized. He's the best chef on the network.
Bourdain wrote:I actually WATCH Food Network now and again, more often than not drawn in by the progressive horrors on screen. I find myself riveted by its awfulness, like watching a multi-car accident in slow motion. Mesmerized at the ascent of the Ready-Made bobblehead personalities, and the not-so-subtle shunting aside of the Old School chefs, I find myself de-constructing the not-terrible shows, imagining behind the scenes struggles and frustrations, and obsessing unhealthily on the Truly Awful ones. Screaming out loud at Sandra Lee in disbelief as she massacres another dish, then sits grinning, her face stretched into a terrifying rictus of faux cheer for the final triumphant presentation. I mourn for Mario..and Alton...Bobby and yes--even Emeril, nobly holding the fort while the TV empire he helped build crumbles like undercooked Bundt cake into a goo of Cheez Wiz around him.

Some thoughts on the Newer, Younger, More Male-Oriented, More Dumb-*** Food Network:

ALTON BROWN: How did Alton slip inside the wire--and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He’s smart. You actually learn something from his commentary. And I’ll admit it: I watch and enjoy Iron Chef America-in all its cheesy glory. Absolutely SHOCKED and thrilled when guys like Homaru Cantu show up as contestants--and delighted when Mario wins--again and again, forestalling his secretly long-planned execution. His commentary is mostly good. And that collar-bone snapping fall off the motorcycle on Feasting On Asphalt? Good television!

EMERIL: I’m actually grateful when I channel surf across his show. He’s STILL there--the original Behemoth. And I STILL find him unwatchable. As much mileage as I’ve gotten over the years, making fun of Emeril; he deserves a lot more respect than I’ve given him. He does run a very successful and very decent restaurant group. He is--in fact--a really nice guy. And-as much as I hate the show-- compared to the current crop of culinary non-entities, he looks like Escoffier. He will probably be the last of the Real Chefs. I’m sure they’re growing future replacement options in petrie dishes somewhere, conducting Top Secret focus groups at suburban malls with their latest Bright Young Hopeful. I’m just glad he’s still there--a rebuke to the geniuses who brought us such Great Ideas as Dweezil and Lisa.

BOBBY FLAY: They seem to have noticed Bobby’s strong “negatives” among some viewer responses during focus groups--and decided to respond by subjecting poor Bobby to THROWDOWN; the object of which is to allow every web-fingered geek with a backyard grill--or half-mad muffin maker to proclaim, “I beat Bobby Flay at makin’ barbeque!” at the heart-warming end of show--before returning to tend their meth labs.. I watched poor Bobby battle to a draw recently in some bogus Southwestern “Chili Face-Off.” Now…does ANYONE actually believe that Bobby Flay can’t make a better chili than a supermarket ground beef bearing amateur? I don’t. It’s a cruel exercise in humiliation. A variation on “Dunk Bozo” or “Shoot The Geek,” at the carnival. And whatever I might have thought of Flay’s previous TV efforts, I find the network’s misuse of one of their founding chefs to be nauseatingly cynical. The conspiratorial-minded might be tempted to suspect this as yet another part of the Secret Plan to rid themselves of the annoyingly big ticket chefs--by driving Bobby to quit--or insane with misery. He may not be Mr. Cuddlesworth, but he’s a successful businessman and a good chef--and he doesn’t, after all, need this ****.

MARIO!Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario--only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television? Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where--like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on--and on--a major draw (and often the only reason to watch the show). How I would like to see him unchained, free to make the television shows he’s capable of, the Real Mario--in all his Rabelasian brilliance. How I would love to hear the snapping bones of his cruel FN ringmasters, crunching between his mighty jaws! Let us see the cloven hooves beneath those cheery clogs! Let Mario be Mario!

THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey…He’s got talent! And..he seems to be a trained chef! And he’s really making food--and selling it in a real business! I think…I like it! If I have one reservation, it’s that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky--and I’m interested but…I mean...it’s like construction going on over there from what we’re told and shown. One suspects that the producers don’t want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food--on “Food” Network. I mean...what’s in those cakes, beneath the icing and marzipan and fondant? That said, it’s the only “kicky, new, cutting edge, in-your-face” hopeful they’ve managed to trot out of any quality in memory. Hope it lasts. Wait till they try and put the poor bastard on a pony--or do a “Tailgate Special” with the usual suspects. Or a “Thanksgiving Special” where he has to sit down with the bobbleheads and pretend to like it. On balance, it’s still probably the best new project they’ve come up with in a long, long time.

GIADA: What’s going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on ICA. ROBBED! And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she’s likeable, knows what she’s doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you’d actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-*** “Best Of” and “40 Dollar a Day” formula. Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She’s good at it.

RACHAEL: Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can’t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She’s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that “Even your dumb, lazy *** can cook this!” Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could--if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?” Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better--teach us--and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. “You’re doing just fine. You don’t even have to chop an onion--you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep….”

PAULA DEEN: I’m reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes--and her food a True Buffet of Horrors. A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film. And the food on a par with the last scene of Pink Flamingos. But I’d like to see her mad. Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, “Female Trouble.“ Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock--and it’s all over.

SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.


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Urabus GodofTraction
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When Alton Brown did "Feasting on Asphalt," I was endeared to him forever. It's exactly the kind of thing I'd love to do.

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jallen
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bourdain was on top chef a couple weeks ago as a guest judge, he tore into the chefs pretty good. Bourdain is kinda cheesy sometimes but i love his shows. I wish i could travel around the world and eat weird/awesome/funky *** food on someone else's dime.

omg top chef is on in 5 minutes!

and giada rocks, big tits and all.
Modified by jallen at 8:00 PM 8/8/2007

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Cold_Zero
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I am a fan of good eats with Alton Brown. I like the science behind cooking. I love watching No Reservation, its fun to see Bourdain get suckered into doing things he hates. I just wish he would leave Giada and Rachel Ray alone.

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thekage
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It is so ironic, Bourdain has become the celebrity chef that he hates!

That aside, I love him. He the NYC punk assed kid that has a smart mouth. He is awesome. Let him tear into Rachel Ray.. its hilarious.

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I love Alton brown, I have been watching Good Eats and Feasting on Asphault religiously up until a month ago when I moved and no longer have cable, I have been peeking around ebay and Amazon waiting to find cheap copys of both shows on DVD

ps, Rachel Ray is the Devil and she is only famous because of Oprah.

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Feasting on Asphalt is coming back for a 2nd season really soon.

I thought Bourdain liked Giada, or at least didn't dislike her, per se.

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AZhitman
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Giada... Mmmmmmm.....

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NSR_s30
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AZhitman wrote:Giada... Mmmmmmm.....

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fayceoff
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AZhitman wrote:Giada... Mmmmmmm.....
I've been telling my wife for like two years that Giada looks like a bobblehead doll with big tits. She's not ugly, but... Her proportions are just not right.

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Jesda
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Bourdain doesnt get how the average american household kitchen operates. There's screaming kids and no time for sleep, much less top-notch cooking.

He's talented but does nothing for the public.

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HashiriyaS14
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Jesda wrote:Bourdain doesnt get how the average american household kitchen operates. There's screaming kids and no time for sleep, much less top-notch cooking.
That's very true, although I do agree with him on how some of the more senior, more talented Food Network personalities are being mishandled.

It's too bad he didn't mention Tyler Florence. I'd like to see Tyler Florence as an INGREDIENT on Iron Chef America........I am so tired of that guy and his Applebee's commercials.

And God help us all if Rocco DiWhatever gets his own show. Bleh.

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EW
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HashiriyaS14 wrote:Feasting on Asphalt is coming back for a 2nd season really soon.
You're no fan of AB if you don't know Feasting on Asphalt 2 started last week.

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AZhitman
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[QUOTE=fayceoff]

I've been telling my wife for like two years that Giada looks like a bobblehead doll with big tits. QUOTE]

You say that like it's a bad ting.

She is kinda "off", but she's so damn cute....

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dickie
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Hmmm... to quote a famous musician, "Man I hates that Racael Ray, I wish her tits would rot off. I really hates her."

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HashiriyaS14
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EW wrote:You're no fan of AB if you don't know Feasting on Asphalt 2 started last week.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I'll find it on rerun and TIVO though, but ack! I was traveling on biz last week.

Rachel Ray sucks, I'm getting really sick of her. I don't mind Giada, and I actually like Paula Deen, even though some of her recipes are a little weird. She makes some genuinely authentic Southern Food about 1/4 of the time, the rest is convenience stuff that is unoriginal but is authentic to her upbringing and still by and large tastes good.

I don't mind Ray's cooking per se, she isn't Thomas Keller and she doesn't pretend to be, I realize who her target audience is for the recipes, but that doesn't mean she has to be so goddamned annoying. I'm getting really tired of the "Yummos" and the "EVOO", et cetera.

Lose the acronyms and the creepy enthusiasm just cook your shxt on TV like a normal person......

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dickie
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http://community.livejournal.com/rachael_ray_sux

I really like Alton Brown, although I think it would be cooler if he really went into some of the subjects he touches on in depth instead of being forced to dumb it down for Rachael Ray viewers.

And that's not to say i am a food snob, I can just appreciate someone who can actually create something worth eating and knows what they are doing is all. Some of his recipes are really basic and yield great results as opposed to the overly-complicated Frankenstein dishes coming from 30mm...

I regularly use Alton's biscuit and waffle recipes and he also teaches some rudimentary techniques that even beginners can seriously benefit by. Ray just kinda throws a bunch of weird food combinations together in a pan or casserole dish and makes a huge mess in doing it.

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jallen
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HashiriyaS14 wrote:I thought Bourdain liked Giada, or at least didn't dislike her, per se.
he's saying he likes giada, he just doesn't like her stupid new shows, cause they really are pretty worthless. Go to restaurant>order food>eat food and give that "mmmm" face, and say it's good.

how can anyone not like giada? i would marry that woman. I need to start picking up girls at the culinary school.

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I loved bourdains book made me laugh so damn hard. His show is great on travel channel or whatever its on.

Also totally love good eats go AB!

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HashiriyaS14 wrote:It's too bad he didn't mention Tyler Florence. I'd like to see Tyler Florence as an INGREDIENT on Iron Chef America........I am so tired of that guy and his Applebee's commercials.
I hate that guy. Applebee's trying to come off as a 'cutting edge' and 'gourmet' they're just like every other franchise restaurant... they use a microwave.

I agree w/ what Bourdain says... and who is this Sandra Lee person? I watch the FN and I never saw her before. Sounds like pure evil.

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Bourdain is my hero... (seriously, whenever i am asked "who is your hero?" he is my answer every time)

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Cold_Zero wrote:I am a fan of good eats with Alton Brown. I like the science behind cooking. I love watching No Reservation, its fun to see Bourdain get suckered into doing things he hates.
I wish Alton Brown was my science or math teacher...he'd make things fun.
fayceoff wrote:I've been telling my wife for like two years that Giada looks like a bobblehead doll with big tits. She's not ugly, but... Her proportions are just not right.
again. She has a big head...and a small body. Just doesn't match up.


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