SUV satire, check it out!

[MarkEmark]

Well, I'm quite bored today, our school had a snowday (and on my bday too, w00t!), and I've been up since 530 doing homework because I didn't realize we even had snow until 7, after i was all done with my homework, and one of the things I was working on was an assignment for my grade 11 honors english class. The assignment was to compose a satire (paper that mocks/attacks human folly/vice), on any topic of our choosing, so naturally my brother and I, who both equally abhor SUV's chose to do SUV's. I couldn't attach the paper because its not a php file, so I'm just copying and pasting., I dont know if any of you will find it funny, but I'm wicked bored and theres like 9" of snow out here!

*Disclaimer* The paper is not intended to criticize anyone who actually uses SUV's for their intended purpose***Enjoy, and let me know what you all think!

Just got a raise? Have money burning a hole in your pocket? Do you have low self-esteem and materialistic notions of happiness? Do you lack confidence or adequacy in your life’s endeavors? Do you want people to finally start noticing you as the strong and independent character you really are (or perceive yourself to be)? Do you wish to attain the much needed reverence you’ve toiled so hard for? Are you insecure to the point where you need inanimate objects to control your emotions and display your disgust for, and domination of, the world around you? Are you ready to irrevocably ruin surrounding wild-life in the name of “extreme” and practical utility? Fear you will not anymore, rather, fear you will instill in millions of motorists who cower at the very glimpse of your raging, accident-inducing death trap of a trendy, steroid-enhanced soccer-mom mobile. No longer will you be put to shame by rear wheel drive sports cars, no longer will you be the victim of a taut, German-designed sports sedan, no longer will you be overlooked and beaten into submission by thousands of superior vehicles, rather, you will own the road. You’re only $40,000 away from complete motoring and lifestyle bliss. We all know fossil fuels endure with a spunky impermanence, and will remain on our earth for the rest of your lifetime anyway, so why not exploit their fruitful goodness to their maximum potential, for your own deranged, megalomanical-driven needs? After all, why let a filthy quarry of decayed brontosaurus fossil go to waste? The most uninteresting and mundane organisms of the earth sacrificed themselves to satisfy your family’s vehicular needs, and expedite a grossly counter-economical pursuit of diminutive gas mileage. Let’s live in the present, with a day-by-day philosophy, and not worry about the disadvantaged posterity who will one day inherit a most abused and neglected environment. By then, those tireless, crazy little scientists will have harnessed a more efficient, limitless source of energy, namely, the thousands of tons of noxious hydrocarbons perpetually emitting from your ungodly, behemoth of a vehicle. So sit back and let the good times roll: your blunders being rectified by the more intelligent, selfless beings of the world is indeed no foreign notion. Brandish that veil of self-deceit with pride: you earned the $40,000 justly, and your SUV-creator has married marvelous innovation and unfailing technology into a singular piece of land-conquering, environment-annihilating machinery. For, your new automobile will possess that beguiling, “drive me to the ground, (but not on unsuitable terrain)” attributes. That linear power-band provides a relentlessly robust climb to sixty, seventy, eighty miles per hour, propelling you ever further on your fiendish scourge of those hapless automobiles who happen to fall en route to your destination. Fear not those annoying potholes intruding upon your cruise of total luxury, for its leaf-spring suspension, perfected on year 1759 horse-buggies, and colossal, inimitable weight will doubtlessly provide both a façade of cheery ruggedness with an enticing array, of indestructible characteristics. Side panels abound with a contorted, unsightly mess of fisher-price plastic that a seven-year old child would be proud to display in her playhouse, roofs are capped with an imbroglio of roof racks and Thule escargots. Don’t forget your tubular-steel safari-style bumpers to protect against various road debris, unexpected jumping twigs, and the occasional monster-insect; such hood ornaments double as a convenient grocery cart pusher when such an object dare impedes your unstoppable fury. So fill your wanton, disdainful heart until it is content: those pesky little sedans, sports car, station wagons, vans and pedestrians amount to only a fraction of your sheer mass and displacement. After all, the understood tactics of quotidian driving is not to project your seemingly established driving prowess, but rather to scare the other inhabitants of the thoroughfare into a cowering submission. No one and nothing will stop you; you will win the war of the roads.Sure you could get groceries in a mini-van, but why deprive yourself the satisfaction of observing the shocked glance of narrowly-missed passer-bys upon hearing the snarl of that potent, push-rod V8 lurking underneath the hood and seeing the menacing, wide-set stance of such a formidable creature ready to despotically rule? For these land-yachts are not merely devices of transportation, rather, they are devices of societal domination, in which you, the driver, firmly control the vast expanses of roads through erratic driving and scare-tactics. No longer will you become the victim of domineering driving habits, rather you will perpetuate your own through bullying other drivers for your own benefits. Your self-confidence will soar through your vehicles performance attributes: 20 inch wheels, tiny disk brakes, antiquated suspension designs and physics-defying high centers of gravity. You will experience a surge of false power as you usurp the throne of the world’s roads. Nothing will belittle your empowered feelings of complete control, there is no road that you can not negotiate. If you are deathly afraid of the night hours or abhor driving in them, the evenings will no longer be a menace to you so long as you conform to the present trend and purchase an appropriately-equipped SUV. With most base-model SUV’s coming adorned with sixteen 1000-watt xenon high intensity discharge bulbs with enough power to light up Fenway park, darkness will forever be eliminated, never to trespass your utopian world. Even in broad daylight such super-beams add enhanced visibility and double as devices to provoke other drivers to pull over and accept their role of subordination to you and your SUV. You’re only a flick of the wrist away from complete road authority. Fellow motorists will be left in a hazy stupor as you pass by, contemplating the origins of such celestial DRHB (Daytime Running High Beams). Their retinas will be permanently damaged, with an image etched into their subconscious brain of the most coffee-crazed and whimsical of all beings: SUV drivers. Rest assured: the standard SUV has been subjected to the most arduous of trails in their road tests, and has passed with a commanding manliness. These mechanical mammoths can conquer the notorious Rubicon Trail and traverse its obstacles with a cool tone of “bring it on’edness.” Obviously, with such an impressive track-record, trips to the malls, soccer practice, school, essentially, all the destinations of daily driving, can be achieved with relative ease and will seem positively pedestrian by comparison to the rigorous taming of the Rubicon. This must be sporty, then. But utility? What does that word even mean? It must entail the indefatigable attributes of the driver, for, surely this vehicle was not engineered for mounting rocks, unpaved roads, or even steep grades? The Rubicon Trail, the testing ground of these grandiose SUVs, was merely to fashion and refine the interior amenities: those befitting of a lavish, aristocratic domain decorate its deceptively capacious cabin. Supple, Italian leather, a GPS system, and cruise-control features so sophisticated that even a mildly-retarded primate could man the land-craft on its brief treks to the market and back. Only in a nation so corrupted by rampant wealth and image-driven sin would these gas-guzzling, money-burning, unnecessary instruments flourish in times of inflated fuel prices. Kiss common sense good-bye and say hello to sportiness: you can pick the kids up, run down to Starbucks, watch a movie, traverse a gentle gravel path and crawl through mild inclement weather in four-wheel drive mode, all from the comfort of your climate-controlled, DVD player-adorned prodigal cabin. You will inevitably conquer those seemingly insurmountable obstacles: school buses, speed-bumps, telephone poles, 5% grades, sand-sprinkled roads, and the occasional emergence of a land-altering puddle. After all, four wheel drive surely plants the SUV tenaciously to any dry pavement while you remain seated contentedly in the leather-abounding, swank, and yet impregnable cabin of your small space-craft. Sedans would find considerable difficulty during optimal driving conditions with only two wheel drive, a lower center of gravity, more sophisticated suspension system, and comparatively nonexistent body roll. Buying an SUV conveys your erudite clutch of the automobile world, and shows your clarity in perception of the most practical vehicle to execute its designated, less-than-grueling tasks. Forty thousand dollars and the need for a vehicle leaves you with no other feasible alternative than a craft so unsightly as the SUV. I mean, look at the options: a more sporty, quicker, and safer all-wheel drive wagon or sedan would merely exhibit a shaky entrance into the automobile realm. Do you really want to exhibit the traits of a week underdog with a more practical car? A full-fledged, gas-guzzling monster must be purchased to display your convicted stance as a proponent of bullying, gas-guzzling antics. Take a Volvo all-wheel-drive wagon, for example. It’s lighter, sportier, quicker, more streamline, can entertain weather inclemency with a renowned efficiency, and remains the pinnacle of European sports- car engineering while still upholding practicality and unmatched safety. But, does this said Volvo possess that aura of “untouchability,” that eternal post as sole dominator of the Untied States highways system? The answer is: obviously not! Americans, and indeed mankind, have always functioned under that faulty superiority complex: your material possessions and profuse expenditures pose a direct correlation with your true character. An SUV as the mode of transportation goes hand-in-hand with your supremacy as a human being. If every other shortsighted American has grasped the SUV market as the vehicle-of choice, why not follow close suit? History has taught us that conformity dictates a cool, judicious society, in which no one questions, merely adheres doctrine as lemmings in thought and reasoning, and thus, why challenge what has been indelibly wrought as the “way life works?” Wherefore then, lies the reason to not purchase an SUV? The answer lies deeply hidden in the chasms of the Rubicon Trail, just as the SUV’s seemingly “utility function” is masked by its sumptuous interior and its aggressive outward appearance. Copyright 2003 Marc and Eric Formeister

[Repo Man]

This subject has been beaten to death and will not be revived in 240 General. Don't take it personally MarkEmark.