Okay folks, so I keep being an idiot.
Here is a history of the issues of my new-to-me M56x:
1) Purchased some LED bulbs for the interior of the car. Converted 99% of the car without issue.
2) Got to the front footwell lights (under the dash) and when I went to remove the stock 194 bulbs, they were basically seized inside the socket.
3) To get the bulbs out, I had to use needle nose pliers. I ended up shattering the passenger side bulb and having to clean that mess up. Once I installed the LED bulb in the passenger side, it was working great.
4) On the drive side, I couldn't get it out no matter what I did for like 20 minutes. Finally, I got it out, but in the process I must have shorted something as soon as I installed the LED bulb because both footwell lights went out as did the front and rear dome lights.
5) The door lights still work. The dome lights still work if I enable them manually. They will NOT work when the door is open. I checked every fuse I could thing of. If I remove the 'room lamp' one, they no longer turn on manually, so I know that's the fuse. It works.
6) So, convinced that I had somehow messed up my BCM (body control module), I bought a used one on EBay.
7) I realize that, per the FSM, you have to get the BCM programmed...but I figured because the dome lights work manually, that if the issue was the BCM, swapping it as a test should enable them to work just like the door ones (which didn't require a BCM program to work with the second BCM)...I would just need to program the BCM for all of the other stuff like starting the car, etc. to work (key isn't detected when the second BCM is installed).
8) NOPE. The new BCM is completely useless. Same issue.
9) Fine. Car 1, Ilya 0. I put the stock BCM back in but now I have ANOTHER issue...if my AC temp is set to 60, I get cold air. Anything set to 61 or above blows HOT air. WTF?
So...to sum it up, cliff notes:
Tried installing LED bulbs in the front footwells. While doing so, I somehow shorted the circuit to my front and rear automatic dome light control (on door open). I replaced BCM as a test, same result. I put stock BCM in, and now I'm back to the same light issue...along with another issue. My temperature controls seem to be screwed up. If I set it to 60, I get cold air. If I set it 61+, I get hot air. No in between.
I figured the stock BCM would still be programmed and thus everything would work as it did before the swap, even if the new BCM didn't help me.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dealer is packed tomorrow so I can't even go over there and pay them $100 to scan the car with CONSULT to see WTF is going on with both issues.